Every Memory Repeats

Chapter 19

"I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was!"

"It can't...I can't," she said softly, wiping at her face again. "I've been through too much. I fell in love with John—"

"—fucking John Black!" Roman roared, standing up quickly, and causing his chair to fall back. "I hate him!"

"Roman, sit down," Marlena said. "Why don't you explain to me, why you seem to hate John so much?"

"He stole everything from me!"

"Did he steal it...or did I give it to him?"

Roman turned to face her, "What the fuck, Doc!"

"John and I...we were afraid that he might be Stefano. I had been helping him with his amnesia, and we'd left Salem, because Victor was after him. We were hoping to find the doctor who had done his facial reconstruction, and we did. He agreed to meet us...we—we were in West Virginia, and then I saw the tattoo on John's back, the phoenix. It scared me, and I tried to run, but John wouldn't let me. I hated him, because I thought he was Stefano...but I also loved him, because he was John," she said quietly.

Roman picked his chair up off of the floor, and sat down at the table, "That makes no sense, Doc."

"Maybe to you, it makes no sense," she said. "I was already in love with John...thinking he might be Stefano, it complicated things...a lot, but it didn't make me stop loving who he was."

"You thought he was Stefano? The man who'd killed me, took me from my children...and you still...Doc, that's sick!"

"I couldn't stop loving him. He didn't even know who he was—"

"—but Stefano?"

"I loved him. I knew, I couldn't give him up. It didn't matter who he was, so when I found the doctor's notes scattered over the hillside, with your photo as the patient...I remember feeling this overwhelming sense of relief, because if John was Roman, then he wasn't Stefano, and I could love him," she said. "I'm not asking you to understand, Roman. I'm just asking you to listen."

"Doc, that's so fucked up. You loved John because you thought he was me—"

"—Roman! Listen to me! I loved John, because he was John!" she said, desperate for him to understand. "I've tried so many times to explain this to you. Thinking he was you...made the transition easier, but, I already loved him. Please understand that."

Roman was quiet for a moment, and then he said, "I ran into Bo on the pier a few weeks ago. He—he said something...similar, said I should talk to you about it."

"But you didn't."

"I didn't. When I was locked up, in the cell in San Cristobal, the guards would...they would bring in video tapes of you, John, and the twins. Sami and Eric were calling another man Daddy. You were calling him, Roman. I wasn't given any context, and the anger...the rage I felt, it consumed me," Roman told her. "Do you know what that does to a man?"

"How could I? You never spoke to me about any of it, and you didn't want me to speak of it either."

"John is not who you think he is," Roman said firmly. "He's a pawn in Stefano's game."

Marlena said softly, "More than you realize."

"What, exactly, does that mean?" he asked her.

"When John first arrived in Salem, he had no idea who he was...but Victor, and everyone else who was involved, called him The Pawn. Imagine that, Roman. Having no name, and being thought of as nothing more than collateral damage," Marlena replied. "John didn't know who he was, but he's finding his answers."

"Doc, listen. When you came home, after being gone all of those years, you came home to me—"

"—I came home to John—"

"—who you thought was me!" Roman said loudly.

"I thought he was you, Roman, but I came home to him. His arms, his face...his love. I can't get past that. I don't want to get past that. It's not fair to you. It's not fair to me—"

"—so, what are you saying, Doc? You want a divorce? You're just going to give up on us?"

"Is that how you see it?" she asked him quietly.

"Isn't that what you're doing?" he demanded.

"No," she replied. "I'm sorry you feel that way. I am."

"So, that's it? We're over. Doc, I'm begging you for another chance," Roman said fiercely. "I'm sorry I hit you. I won't do it again. I swear."

"Roman, before you hit me, you had already grabbed me twice, and left bruises on my arms. You had—you had done that to me before...when we were married. Anytime I disagreed with you. Anytime you felt you needed emphasis, you grabbed me. You would shake me. You would raise your voice, and I would give in. To keep the peace, to make you happy. The night you left me to go after Stefano, the twins were barely a month old, you grabbed me then, and shook me," she told him with silent defiance. "This time was more of the same. The escalation, and then you hit me. There is no other chance. I want a divorce."

Roman stared at her seething, "You think I don't know?"

"Know what?"

"That John was with you at the Horton cabin. Do you think I don't know about that?" Roman asked her.

"That has nothing to do with this discussion," Marlena said.

"The hell it doesn't, Doc! He finds out Isabella's baby isn't his, and he went straight to you! Now you want a fucking divorce?"

"I'd already decided on a divorce before he arrived."

Roman stood up again, leaning over the table towards her, "You don't think Tom Horton, and the hospital board is going to have something to say about a doctor sleeping with a patient?"

Marlena stared at him for a moment, and realized, Roman had already gone to Tom about this. Marlena nearly laughed with the irony, "You're asking for another chance after you've already gone to Tom, and tried to sabotage my career?"

Roman paused momentarily, and then yelled, "You left here, without giving me a chance, and you went, and fucked John Black! You did, didn't you? I mean, he was at the cabin with you, the ferries weren't running. Of course you were fucking him!"

Marlena stood up, "This conversation has digressed. You need to leave, Roman."

Roman rounded the table, stepping closer, "I'm not leaving until you answer the question. Were you fucking John at the Horton cabin?"

"Roman, I need you to leave," she said shakily, taking a step back. She saw the slant of his shoulders, and his fists balled in rage, and she said softly, "Roman. I told you, if you hit me again...I will report it. Charges will be filed, and I don't want to do that. I want you to get help."

"Maybe I'll get myself a head shrink that'll fuck me on the side too," he said crassly.

"Get out, Roman. This conversation is over," Marlena told him.

Roman wanted to hit her. He could imagine shutting her up with a fist in her face, and he found himself shocked at the violent image. Shaking and trembling with rage, he turned on his heel and slammed the door violently on the way out of the house. Marlena sank to the floor, and cried.