The Hermitcraft Plays

18: How not to learn lines

'Bells, that's terrible!' Ren frowned. Another pause.

Joe sighed. 'Where are they being kept?'

'Oh, yeah... Where are they being kept?'

'That way.' He pointed roughly off stage right.

'Rendolf, we're not doing an extra quest! We're pressed for time in rescuing the Christmas God anyway.'

'The Christmas God?'

'He's been taken captive by the Christmas Vexes... they're trying to end Christmas!'

'What?!'

'Rendolf here thinks it's a good idea to fight them...'

'Then I swear on my life that, if you help me rescue the other toys, I will help you rescue the Christmas God.' Wels drew his sword, giving a small bow. 

'Then lead us to where they were.'

Wels led offstage, followed by Ren and Pearl,

'And, next scene, meeting the 3 Dumb Men?'

'Yeah, sure.' Ren nodded, following Pearl and Wels onstage again.

'Are you sure it was this way?' Pearlie asked.

'I believe it was... but I might be mistaken... it could've really been any direction.'

'We have a map... if we knew where we are now, we could figure out where it is.' Ren held out the  prop map. 'But we're in the middle of nowhere and...' Team ZIT ran onstage.

'Hey! Where are we?'

'Nowhere, and everywhere. If the universe is so large, does it even matter...?' Inprovised back Caspar the Friendly Ghost

'What is universe?'

'By the powers of skidoodle... you are exactly where you want to be...'

'Who are you?' Ren also improvised.

'We're the three dumb men!' Replied Tango

'Caspar the Friendly Ghost!'

'Bazza!'

'And General Melchett (from Blackadder)!' Finished Tango, stepping forwards. All three jazz-handed for a moment while the others struggled to remember lines.

'We're looking for a lot of lost toys... do you know where they are?' Bellsknight replied, and after a moment the 3 dumb men all pointed in random directions,

'What is looking?' Added Zedaph for good measure

'Location is meaningless.' Agreed Impulse

'We're trying to find the Christmas Vexes too?'

'What is vexes?' Bazza replied

'Evil.'

'Ah yes, the mystic powers of the universe say that they're... that way.' Impulse pointed at the ground

'What is evil?'

'The powers of skidoodle agree with Caspar.' Tango added

'We need to find them as soon as possible, we're all lost.'

'What is lost?'

'Maybe we're all lost...'

'As lost as we may be, we will always be guided by the powers of Skidoodle.' Declared Tango.

'Rendolf, Bells, these 3 are useless. Let's just keep looking elsewhere.' Pearl sighed.

'Come on, Pearlie, it won't be too bad... I know there's another bit but I always forget it...'

'They did say they were dumb...'

'They did say they were dumb.'

'I know, but... they're really unhelpful...'

'Noble gods of idiocy, we respect your deep wisdom and wish for directions. My friends are trapped, and we need to find them... they'll be scared, alone, forced to the commands of the terrifying Christmas Vexes, who wish to destroy Christmas forever and end all the fun and purpose in this world... If you help us on our quest, then the Christmas God, trapped as my friends also are, will grant you whatever you want in reward, and Christmas will be saved!' Wels recited, before giving a delighted 'yes!' that he'd remembered it all. Beef and Keralis gave a polite applause from the audience. The three dumb men got into a circle to discuss, before looking over at the protagonists again.

'We will help you.' Tango replied. 'We have wandered this valley for thousands of years, and know the location of everything on it. By the powers of skidoodle, we will lead you to your destination.' 

'Then let's go and save some toys!' Ren burst out, running offstage, followed by the others. Joe looked over from where he'd been going over scene 9 where no one had learnt lines except Cub.

'We need to get lines learnt! And properly! Everyone needs to have all their lines learnt by tomorrow. I'm ending the session now so everyone can go to their bases and practice.