The Last Handful of Clover - Book 3: The Stone in the Stream

3.25 Nothing at All

"But I didn't leave, Baby Bear," Richard said, trying hard to keep his voice steady. "I guess I couldn't accept it either. Maybe that's why I'm still here. Maybe it was just too wrong for me to go."

As if from a great distance, he heard Pil repeating his words, slowly and carefully. Keith's eyes finally moved away and focused for a moment on the big man, who stood to his side. Only after a long pause did he turn his eyes back to the empty space where his lover sat.

Slowly, Keith's hand pulled away from Richard's face and fell back into his lap. Richard watched as his lover sat up in the chair, a new strength and resolve washing over him. He was still staring into the empty air, trying to focus his eyes on the space where he knew his lover sat.

"Richard," Keith said, slowly and deliberately. "I want you to make me a medium. I want to see you and talk to you. Even if I can never touch you. I want to... feel you. Inside me..."

Richard moaned and dropped his face into his hands. This was exactly what he had been fearing, and why he had been afraid to be with Pil when he explained everything to Keith. He knew Keith would see the Fifth Gift as a blessing he had bestowed on Pil.

And worse, Richard knew it was what he wanted too.

He sat silently for a moment, wrestling with that temptation. In seconds, it all played out in his mind. If he were to possess Keith, and commune with his lover's soul the way he had with Pil, could he ever again leave his body? Would his obsession and longing take him over, the way that Justin's longing for Howard had done? Would he have the strength to pull himself away from that bliss? He wasn't sure, and just the doubt that he might commit such a terrible violation of the man he loved made him feel as if he deserved none of it.

And even if I could... Even if I were to successfully make Keith a medium, what would that life be like for him? He would be tied forever to a ghost. He would be haunted, damaged, and set apart from life. He'd be stuck with someone he could see but never touch. Someone who would stay the same as he aged and died, his life wasted in an obsession that could never be consummated...

Richard believed that Pil could bear the life of a medium, but only because, unless Michelle returned, there would be nothing around his neck tying him to this dark world. That alone might allow the big man to bear what Richard had made him. But Keith would be destroyed by it.

Then another thought crossed his mind.

What would it do to me? Could I bear a world where I could see and talk to Keith, but never touch him? A world where I would never know the joy of holding his warm body? Never have any of the sensual and loving and human things that we had for all our years together? Never have any of that again? Would my mind snap?

And if it did, what monster would Keith be tied to then?

With sudden certainty, he knew that the risk was too great. He could not take that chance with himself, and he especially couldn't take it with Keith. If he stepped away, Keith would eventually heal. He'd love another.

He'll have a life. Mine is over.

He felt Billy put a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up, his reverie broken. The boy was clearly terrified that Richard would succumb to this temptation. He said, quietly, "No Richard, you can't."

He smiled and patted the boy's hand. "I know," Richard croaked, his voice thick with emotion. "Pil, tell him no. Tell him my life is over, but his is just beginning. Tell him... Tell him whatever you need to tell him. I don't care. Just get him out of here. Get him somewhere safe." He looked the big man directly in the eyes. "Just make sure he's... okay. And make sure he knows... that I love him. Oh, God, make sure he knows."