Algo Novo

Withdraw

I can't count how many times I wanted — almost craved, really — to text you, even though it's only been a few days. Maybe I do can count how many times I've actually considered doing so (because those were the times when it felt just unbearable not talking with you), what includes right now: I've just asked my sister if it was crazy, or maybe just desperate, of me, getting back in touch with you one last time, because of the undeniable risks of this getting in the way of my healing. Healing from you, baby. It hasn't been easy. And maybe talking with you again would just do of this... pretty much impossible. Cause it's basically the only thing I truly want. And the excuse I gave myself for possibly, maybe, trying justify the imprudent act of texting you on that damn app, was that I intended to question you about your real intentions. Cause I've come to realize that you might have misled me, D. Not like a psychopath or anything on that line, but your actions were at least a little bit questionable. You did gave me hope of having something serious with you, at some point in the future, before you slept with me, but then at the exact moment later, you revealed that if you were ever to have a relationship again, it wouldn't be with someone like me, didn't you? And then a couple of days later you did confirmed your thoughts on "losing your freedom" and "getting sick of people with time", right? Yeah. I found that funny too. Because remembering how things things happened, and how my mind worked its way on the idea of having sex with you, I innocently thought: "well, I guess I wouldn't have done it if knew where his mind really was about a relationship". But if I realize that now, there might be a slight chance that you did too, only that sooner. And if you knew you had to keep your intentions a secret, and even lead me to the opposite perception (with several cues) in order to get you wanted, that kinda makes of you a jerk, doesn't it? So I wanted to confirm that. But, god, as much as the last bit is actually true, it was still only an excuse. What I truly wanted was the chance of you changing your mind. Of you realizing that you wouldn't get sick of me, even after a while. The chance of you feeling as willing as I am about the possibility of dating you, besides all the differences and fears; I wanted that tiny little odd of making things work. Cause I fucking miss you, okay? Every single day. Like I'm in withdrawn. But deep down, I know that this is unreal. I know that if a meant what I wanted to mean for you, you would have said something, and you wouldn't have let me go. I know that the strongest feeling you had for me was that in which you don't want to hurt someone you think is really nice. And that's why I'm not doing it.

I'm not texting you, D.

For the first time in days, I can say that I'm not that helpless (although writing all of this still makes me cry and hurt like hell). I am finally starting to accept the idea of letting you go, and I couldn't feel more relieved.