Algo Novo

Three Levels

The first one is about a guy that I couldn't even dream of dating. He is (and always was, since school) the normal type of guy; but I had the impression that we could get along over some basic online scanning, cause according to the content he posted, he didn't seen that much of a asshole - like the other guys like him are. So, I kept this dumb, distant, naive hope that he might notice me if I liked posts enough. And then, at one of those times I would unpretentiously visit his profile, wondering if some day I would get crazy enough to start a conversation, I found out that he's now dating: a normal (althoug weidly religious) girl like him. And I was not surprised. That's the end of level one.

Now, the second one is slightly better when it comes to virtual human interaction: cause I actually got to chat with him for a while. Several months, actually. And I had the most huge, major crush on him -, because he was so kind and simply one of the most handsome men I have ever seen -, and there was a time I actually thought that if I ever got to date him, I was gonna be the happiest girl in the world. Maybe that's why it hurts so much, more than level one or three, when I think of him: cause I confessed, and I tried (so hard) to give it at least a try, but the feeling wasn't mutual. He was a sweetheart to the end, though, and understood completely when I had to unfollow him in every possible social media so I could keep my distance. We never talked again. But I thought of him countless times ever since - and of course I couldn't just think, could I? I had to keep checking on his profile once in a while. And the last time I did, I saw something that indicated a relationship (possibly with the girl that he said he liked when we were still friends). I was not surprised, but I was still sad. That's the end of level two.

And the third one, for last but not least, it's a story about that one unique situation where the guy says "I'm not ready for a serious relationship", but then shows up dating less than a month later. It happened to me, too (and I guess it does happen to us all, at some point) - but although we were never physically involved or neither did we met face to face, boy, wasn't I frustrated when I found out about that? Because it was the first time in a while that someone I was interested in actually liked me back. But then I said 'no', for what I believed it was a fair, reasonable reason, and then that same reason didn't even turn out to be true. Like, come on now: why did I have to be the fool? Why did I have to lose again, when things could've just been... So much easier, this time around? I could have said yes to him, for an instance. I could have gone out with him, and then, eventually, dated him myself, so I wouldn't be here venting like a revolted little kid. I was pissed that I didn't do what I could have, and frustrated with not only him, but with myself, too, for being that afraid of things. And I sure was surprised. Besides mad, of course, that he was dating someone. That's the end of level three.

And now, you ask: "what's the reason behind all of that unclair ranking, anyway? It was good narrative, but, why put all of these stories here, orderly, babbling about how they've affect you? Is it bitterness? Is it anger? Who are you angry at?"; and those are all fair questions. I, myself, have thought a lot about them, and the truth is I haven't yet came to an agreement about it in my mind. It really was so much that made me want to write this, not only the sorrow, or the in-fact anger that I felt, but just the willing to put the connection I somehow found between those situations somewhere, onto something. But if you were to point a gun at me, I guess the answer to all of that would go around something like "levels of chance": the chances I had to make it happen with those people, and how close I got to that goal. Because it [chance] is almost the only thing that composes my stories, and definetly is what rules it. So it's fair for me to rank it, and maybe controll it a little, even though it's just for some paragraphs.

And that's the end of it.