Definitely, Maybe, Sometimes. | ✔️ COMPLETED

Chapter Thirty-Two

He's so wrong. So stupid. He can't truly believe that this entire time I've been going behind his back with Nate? He surely can't think humans are that bad?

I feel sick to my stomach. I take a few steps towards him, really looking at him. Then I decide, what have I got to lose now?

"Well?" He demands.

"God, this is such a joke!" I scream.

I want to hit him, hit something, anything. I don't even know what to say to him when he's stood there with nothing but hatred on his face. I don't know how to fix this, and I don't care if telling him how I feel will break it. I've got to say it. I've got to say something.

"I didn't know who else to talk to." I say, Jordan blinks at me, waiting. We're stood still. "So, I spoke to Nate. I don't regret it, he's my friend and he gave me what you never have, what you're incapable of giving; a look inside your mind. I was telling him I'm in love with you. I asked him if there is even a realm of possibility that you feel the same, and if you do, will I ever know about it. We literally spoke about you."

I draw in a big breath, both of our chests are rising and falling heavily. We stare at each other. It's out now, I can't take it back. He knows I love him.

"How could you think for a second I'd cheat on you?" I continue. "Let alone with Nate! I'm all wrapped up in you. You're all I think about. My entire world revolves around you. I'm so crazy in love with you and I'm tired of suppressing it!"

I've said it loud and clear now. He can't run and ignore it. I feel terrified but also electric at the same time. This is would it means to feel alive.

"I would never, ever cheat." I go on. "Not on anyone but definitely not on you. You know what we have is so special to me. But you turn so cold sometimes. I didn't know who to go to, who would understand what I mean. Of course Nate would, because he loves you too. Not in the same way, but I suppose it's a love all the same, when you think about it. He's been hurt by you. He just gets it. But that doesn't mean anything is going on with us. It just means we've bonded. Bonded over you."

Silence. He's not looking at me. He can't look at me. I'm willing him to see how honest I'm being, to know that everything I'm saying is true. I feel sick to my stomach, I can't move as I watch him.

"Jordan. I am in love with you. So painfully and deeply. I only want you and I'm so scared. Scared of never feeling like this again. Scared of losing you. Scared of keeping you."

It feels like I'm hurtling off the top of a mountain and I don't know where I'm going to crash.

He glances up at me, and for the first time in forever he looks his age. So young and innocent, a childlike naivety in his eyes. Then he looks away again.

I want to beg him to love me back. I want to say; please tell me you feel the same. Please admit it isn't just me who feels this much. But I don't. I just stare at him as he refuses to look at me.

Then, my eyes are drawn to his bedside cabinet. A girls bracelet and silver ring is atop it. Neither of which are mine, I don't really wear jewellery nor a ring. On the floor is a red dress. A red dress I've never seen before.

Everything becomes very still. Time seems to stop all together. I'm not convinced I'm breathing as I croak out; "What is that? Whose is that?"

"Autumn," Jordan says my name in horror. But I already know the answer, whoever they belong to, it is not me.

Feeling as if I'm underwater, I turn from him, willing my body to walk away. I head out into halls and into the common room. I walk past Reign and Dave, past Kerry and Rory, past Nate. I head to the bathroom. Then I bend over the toilet and vomit.

Jordan comes in a few seconds later, a glass of water in his hand. He sits down next to me.

"Autumn," he says, his voice soft. "Nothing happened. I met her in a bar. She came back, we had a few drinks. I go too drunk and passed out. I wanted to hurt you but I couldn't. I didn't."

"Yes, you did." I mumble. I'm trembling.

He pushes my hair away from my face. "She put on some of my clothes and left in the middle in the night. I let her go, didn't even speak to her."

He hands me the water and I drink it. Then I eye him. "Whilst I was there spilling my guts to Nate about my undying love for you, you were here; doing god-knows-what with another girl."

"Nothing happened! You have to believe me."

"I don't care," I say numbly, getting up. "I don't care anymore."

I make my way out of the bathroom.

"Autumn, please." He begs, reaching out to stop me. I shove his hands away before spinning on him.

"It doesn't matter, Jordan. I shouldn't have to question if you've cheated on me. I shouldn't have to take solace from friends about if you care about me the way I do you. I shouldn't have to sit through a meal where you offer me up like a lamb to be slaughtered without so much of a warning. None of this is right. None of it is okay. You kept me in limbo because it's comfortable for you, but I'm saying no more. This has to end. Right now."

There's a long silence. I feel completely numb.

I know it's a temporary numbness. I'm happy for it, because soon my body and heart are going to catch up with what my mind already knows; we're over.

We're over.

I'm going to need as much strength as I can to deal with the pain when it finally does start. I have to talk now, while I can, whist I can see clearly and before the pain and wanting sets in and makes everything murky.

"Maybe in your own way you care about me. Or maybe you don't. Maybe you're just afraid of being alone. You know how I feel now. I really mean that I love you. I love you with everything that I am, but this" I point towards his room, where there's a discarded red dress and earrings strewn. "I deserve more than this. I love you more than this. I deserve to be loved in the way I love you."

My throat suddenly feels tight, I can't say anymore. It's like he's strangling me. Like our love is strangling me.

We stand there, unable to move, unable to speak and we stay like that, for ages and ages and ages. I keep willing myself to move, to leave, but I know once I do then this will really be over.

It's horrifying. I feel like a part of me is dying. As if my heart is physically breaking. When I finally turn, it's slow, stiff, robotic. I make my way towards the door.

"Don't leave," A broken echo trails behind me, but I can't stop walking now. I have to go.

I somehow make my way out the room. I say nothing to the people sat in the common room, to my friends, though I bet they heard it all. I shakily pull the door open and head down the stairs stepping outside.

The click as the door shuts behind me is like a gunshot piercing my soul.