Definitely, Maybe, Sometimes. | ✔️ COMPLETED

Chapter Twenty-Seven

It's a like a physical illness. How much I love Jordan.

I love it when he gives me that small amused look. I love it when he raises his eyebrows at something I say. I love it when I make him laugh a full-bellied laugh. I love listening to him when he talks.

I love hearing him say my name. I love that when a book is getting intense he'll lift three fingers to his temple and rest his head there. I love how his face gets softer when he sees me.

I really love that.

I love that when someone says something a bit outlandish his eyes seek mine. I love that whenever we're on the same wavelength it's like I've transcended. I love his hair and shining eyes, the way his clothes are always a little bit wrinkled.

I really love when I come back from work with Nate and he's waiting up for me, reading a book, as if he has to see me too.

But I don't love that he's the kind of boy who sleeps with his best friends girlfriend. I feel like there is a dark side to him I'll never know. That he's never going to let me all the way in.

"Cuppa?" Jordan asks, eyes fixed on Nate and I as we walk through the door. We're back later than usual.

"No." I say. "I'm too tired."

"Me too." Nate says. He gives my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Jordan's eyes narrow at the contact. Nate must notice too because he drops his hand. "I'm going to bed."

"Me too." I nod.

"I guess that makes the three of us." Jordan says.

He stares at Nate as if he's kicking him out. Away from me. Nate says goodnight and leaves. Jordan looks at me expectantly.

"Let's go." I say. He follows to my room.

I don't know how I'm meant to do this. It's like I'm in love with James Bond. Someone who has a double life. Only I'm fully aware of his second life and I have no idea how I'm meant to tell him that I know about it.

I have to keep reminding myself that Jordan hasn't actually done anything to me; and if Nate had gone to another Uni, I might never have known about his ex-girlfriend.

But I do know. I also know Jordan doesn't tell me anything. I feel like in many ways I don't know him at all.

Worryingly, I don't seem to know how to think about anything else anymore. All my energy is focused on Jordan and what he might be doing, how he might be feeling, if he's thinking about me too.

It's scary.

It's like when I'm away from him I'm just counting down the moments until I'm with him again. Almost like I can only breathe when he's near.

I have to talk to him about our relationship. I can't keep silent. But I don't know what to say. I'll die if he ever finds out how besotted I truly am. We seem to be able to talk about anything and everything, except for our relationship. He seems to go stiff, all cold if the subject even remotely gets brought up.

After mum came I tried, sort of, and his mood went all dark and aggressive. I thought I'd never do that again. I could take him as he is.

It has been working so far - if we ignore all the anxiety it's giving me.

Even when he's in those moods, that thing between us still builds, and even when I want to run away from him, I don't. He doesn't run away from me either. I sometimes think even if we tried the universe would slam us back together.

I've got to talk to him about our relationship. It's eating me alive. I'm obsessed. I'm drowning. But I also feel like that if I look into his eyes too long, or listen to him laugh too much.