Every Memory Repeats

Chapter 1

"—okay, I'm sorry. I suppose I overreacted," John said.

"It's okay. I understand."

John shook his head in frustration, "This is all so strange to me. It's-it's like I'm the new kid in school, and I've got to start all over. Except, when you're the new kid in school, you've got something to refer to...like, what it was like at your old school, and-and, the kind of kids you hung out with, and whether or not you had good judgement. You know, that kind of stuff."

Marlena smiled to herself as she remembered their conversation. She knew it was different now. It was much more than just helping a friend. Much more. She and John had lived a life together. He had kissed her, and made love to her body. Her helping him as a therapist was much more than helping a friend, and if she spent too much time thinking about it, she would have to face that it was very likely unprofessional for her to treat him. There was a clear conflict of interest, but it wouldn't stop her. Marlena opened the file with a sigh and began reading.

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Isabella stared at John. She was angry, and she was frustrated, that he had decided to start seeing Marlena for therapy. Isabella had already been wary when he'd told her, he was going to get an appointment with Dr. Baker. An appointment with Marlena had Isabella ready to pull at her own hair. "John, I don't understand. How is doing this now going to help you remember? When you haven't remembered anything but Roman's memories for years?"

"I have to try!" he said, running his fingers through his hair roughly. "I can't let this go."

"What makes you think you're going to remember anything new? You have a half-burned satchel full of junk! Stefano is dead! I don't understand how that's going to help you," Isabella said, hoping she could somehow manage to talk him out of this. "How are you going to figure out your past, when all you have is broken bits of jewelry?"

John was beginning to doubt himself. Maybe she was right. He had a burned leather satchel with a smashed and disfigured ring and a locket. How would those things help him find out who he was? He looked at her with tears in his eyes, and said nothing.

Isabella knew what she was doing was wrong. She could feel it, when the pain in his eyes, cut at her soul, but the risk of losing him over this was too high. She was afraid that if he found his past, his true past, he might leave her forever, and things were already perfect the way that they were. She and John had a baby on the way, and if he would give up this search for his past, they could move on with their lives. As it stood, he still refused to move in with her, instead taking his own apartment on the other side of town.

"I already made the appointment, Izzy-B. Marlena's expecting me in her office at nine in the morning," John told her.

"Cancel it. Please, John. For us. For the baby. Please, just let this go," Isabella begged him.

He was so torn. His heart was breaking and he felt like all he had left was Isabella. Sighing deeply, he said, "I'll call her and leave a message when I get back to my apartment."

"Thank you!" Isabella cried, throwing herself into John's arms. "You won't regret this. We can start our lives together, and we can focus on our baby."

John felt dread settle in his belly as he left Isabella's loft. Last summer he'd had everything he wanted when Marlena returned. Now he just felt hopeless. Like there was no way out of this.

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She stood leaning on a large rock near the beach, the cool breeze coming off the ocean blowing though her hair, caressing her cheeks, and cooling the tears on her face. She didn't know how much longer she could go on with this. She wanted Roman so badly, and she loved him as if his soul was the missing part of hers. It was becoming so agonizing, that she walked out of the hotel room they shared before she said or did something that would make them more awkward together. The last thing Roman needed right now was more pressure from her to make a decision that he wasn't ready to make. Staring into the moonlit ocean waves, she heard his footsteps before she saw him. Then he called to her, "Doc!"