westside

♯ 𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘁 𝗱𝗲𝘂𝘅.

She rubbed her palms onto her jeans and fiddled with her hair.

To the boy across the room that was silently observing her, he felt a tiny sting in his heart. He knew from those small gestures that she was battling with her thoughts. There was something she couldn't get over.

"Kenma?" she asked. Her voice was soft, angelic almost.  If he wasn't already looking at her, he would've missed what she said. But it wasn't a question, he wasn't supposed to answer. So he just looked at her, and with that, she continued.

"Do you hate me?" she asked. And although she spoke softly in a hushed voice, the question was loud. But she didn't stop there, "You're treating me like a stranger...and I know I deserve it," she paused and let out a chokey laugh. She was about to cry.

"But from you...it hurts. And I know I may be overthinking it and it may seem like nothing. But I-" she began to ramble with isolated tears falling from her face. Crying was the default when it came to her expressing her feelings.

But she tried to control her tears as much as possible. It wasn't the time to be crying, especially now when she was actually getting her words out.

"Come here?" Kenma said but it came out as more of a question given the situation. He didn't want her to feel forced. But as she sat over there on his bed beginning to cry, he couldn't help but want to hold her and provide endless comfort.

She knew he wasn't going to push his feelings on her or try to silence her, so she went over. Kenma was sitting on a bean bag on the other side of the room. So she wiped her tears and walked over there. He adjusted himself appropriately and ushered her to sit on his lap - as it was the only available seat close to him.

So she sat on his lap and immediately he began to rub her back and asked for her to continue.

So she continued, "I just don't like this feeling. We feel miles apart in the same room and you don't talk to me like you used to..." she nestled her head into his neck to hide her face.

"I don't want to start over with you if this is how it's going to be," she stated before leaning back and wiping her tears to look at him. "We're going further apart this way."

His hands still roamed across her back, occasionally playing with her hair. When he took in everything she said, his heart hurt in the slightest. He didn't know his actions hurt her. He could say he was trying, but he knew that he wasn't going it his all. But it wasn't because he hated her. It was because deep down, even though he said he let it go and he was over it, a part of him was waiting for her to leave again - and he would be a fool to give his all, to only end up hurt in the end. 

On top of that, he didn't know what to say.

She frowned at his lack of response but realized that he was probably beating himself up over what she said. Even though he didn't mean to, he probably thought he intentionally hurt her. That if he retraced his steps somewhere - it was his fault.

"I don't hate you." he finally spoke, "even though I should've, I could never bring myself to hate you." he continued rubbing her back, but this time, he rested his head in the crook her neck.

"I don't have plans to hate you now either, so don't think that." he finished but his mind still wondered. What could he do to make her feel wanted by him? He wasn't an expert in that area, so it was a bit hard to think of it on his own. But he had to start small. Small gestures like the ones he did when they were together along with small bits of reassurance would surely help, but he felt like he had to do more. 

The things he did before didn't help their relationship, couldn't save them - couldn't make her stay. So in the end, he felt like he needed to do more even if he didn't know what exactly to do. Too much might scare her away so he needed to find the right amount to give.

But in the end, he wanted to give it his all.

"I'll do better, I promise." he stated and paused for a bit before continuing on, "But if you don't want to start over, then what will we do?"

To them, after that question slipped past his lips, the world seemed to slow down. It wasn't a difficult question to answer, but between the two of them, neither of them felt to answer it. It wasn't to say that they were ending the relationship, because they weren't.

"Labels seem to make everything difficult." she started, "how about we just go with the flow?"

To her, when placing a title on something both people in the relationship had to live up to the directed standard. And how would that work if they didn't know what they were doing? To put claims and ties on themselves so early wouldn't turn out well. So maybe it was better to leave off a title for now, and do what they were doing, this time with no restrictions. 

Kenma nodded in understanding. He didn't object to the idea either. If one thing wasn't working, it made sense to try something else. 

They were going to make it work.

But for now, he would focus on making her feel wanted and she would do the same.

Because in the end, if they both had each other. It would last longer..wouldn't it? It wouldn't be something to disappear or something they'd eventually get tired of - it would, and it should last forever.