By Sin We Fall

Chapter Eighteen

Amo

Life was always crazy and vindictive to a point that it passed off as normal by now. But this felt horrid. I've done things I couldn't wash my hands of, I'd seen things that made me believe hell was in front of me. It was all perfect and yet everything was wrong. Like acid churning my stomach. Eating me from the inside. Why now had this voice made itself heard? Where had this clarity been three months ago? Yes, it was always an inconvenience before but there was no glaring evidence that it was wrong. Now it felt sacrilegious to marry this woman. I shook her hand afterwards as we were done with dinner at another expensive restaurant. She looked with hopeful eyes up to me. Asking me to give her confirmation, a smile, a kiss on the hand. My hand slowly slipped away from hers, my face turning serious and forlorn. Her own face fell to my failure to give her validation she so clearly craved. To praise her performance as well done. Which it was. She said all the right lines and laughed at the right time, born and bred to the right people in the right circles. Groomed to be a wife to someone imposing. But I couldn't give her what she wanted. I walked out as the seriousness of the situation I found myself in befell on me. It would be an uphill battle letting go of tightly woven plans that were connected to a thousand agreements. For now I sat in satisfaction that I had without a doubt done the right thing. No matter what the future brought, I would hold true to this. I was even smiling, for no reason at all. This was madness but so different than I ever imagined. When I got back to New York I would drive straight to the office which I knew my father would be at. I was excited to deliver him some news.

Greta

The phone Amo gave me kept ringing, I had it on silent but it kept distracting me while we were eating dinner on the sofa as I had the The Royal Concertgebouw Orchestra playing on the TV. I finally answered the phone when I was back in my room. "Come meet me, the usual place." "I can't Amo, I'm leaving soon." "Come, I need to tell you something." "Why can't you just tell me now?" "I'll be waiting for you there." He hung up. I let out a frustrated noise that was directed entirely toward myself because I knew I was the only one responsible for falling for this stupidity. "Mauro!" I called out, holding my body behind the door so it seemed like I didn't have any clothes on. "I'm going to jump in the shower quickly before we leave." He looked over at me for a split second then averted his gaze, it totally freaked them out that I might be naked. Not the best for my self confidence. He nodded and I locked the door. Hopefully this would buy me half an hour and they would stay clear of my room. Still, this was outrageously stupid trying sneak out at this time. The worst part was that it no longer ceased to trouble me. I was doing something bad and the part of me that cared about that fact was gone. Lost somewhere in this big city. The darkness didn't cloak my descent as it usually did. The sun still burned on the horizon creating long shadows in the courtyard. By the time I got to the street, the sun was gone.

I meet Amo at our usual place, this time he was hidden by the corner though, darkness playing on his face. Dread came to me. I hadn't thought it was bad news, but what if something was wrong? What if he found out and this was a trap? I walked up carefully as his eyes turned to me. There was no hostility in them. I walked up closer till I was standing right in front of him. "I'm not getting married," he said finally. Emotions welled up that I didn't know I was holding onto. "I told my family." "Amo... I don't know what to say." Wonderment was clear in my voice. Never had I imagined this. "You should say congratulations, for helping me see something I was so blind to." Me? I helped him do this? Amo seemed like a granite stone in the ways he could be moved, far greater power than I was capable of. I smiled as his kiss fell on my lips. A smile coming to his own, making me feel everything so much more. I wondered if he knew how much he made me feel. Made me feel the anger, the loneliness and other pestering emotions. I kissed him softly back, letting myself relax into his hold for the first time. Letting the magic of this moment sink in. But then I was jolted with fear, trying to step back in his grip. "I don't want to hurt you," I whispered. He looked perplexed, "I feel the same about you, you always seem so fragile." I'd never looked at someone's eyes like this. I never realized how beautiful Amo's eyes were. I guess you could look past them in the rush of everyday life, but when you really looked at them.... I smiled sadly. "Remember what I told you, I'm good at hiding things. Promise me I won't hurt you." "I promise you can't hurt me Margaret." God, that name, I never wanted to hear it again. "My friends call me Greta," I said tentatively. "Greta..." who knew I could get so much joy just from hearing my name. I kissed him again knowing our time was running out, that it was never meant to be but a sacred memory. Reality was catching up, slipping every time we were together. "Come back to my place," his voice was husky, the absence of the sun brought a cool breeze through the city. "I have to go." Leaving his embrace felt like stepping into a frigid night. Like leaving the warmest home I ever had. I wanted to come. Wanted to feel everything the night had to offer. But more importantly I had a flight to catch home to my loving family who had no compensation for how far I had fallen. How far I traveled into the night till I was lost finding my way back home. Wayward to my truth I held onto so tightly. This could very well be the last time we saw each other and I hated that some force had the power to do that. I hated the panic that rose in me from that fact. 

Walking back my familiar path, I couldn't help the reminiscing that came to me, I would miss this city. For the time I was gone. Everyday I was here I somehow felt more at home. I walked up the hotel's back stairwell and out to the courtyard. I was momentarily lost to my surroundings. The corner with my tree was taped off by fluorescent yellow caution tape. Two men with the hotel insignia on their uniforms stood discussing something inside the hotel. I walked back inside and up to them, slightly exasperated. "Excuse me, could I ask what you are doing in the courtyard?" "Yes, well, we are preparing the removal of the Windsor tree." Out of anything he could say that was the worst case scenario. "But the hotel's founder himself planted that tree, you cannot just remove it!" They must've thought I was a crazy environmentalist with my heated response. Granted I was a crazy environmentalist that also flew on private jets every now and then but this wasn't about that. "I'm afraid the roots are in danger of ruining the foundation of the courtyard, possibly seeping into the structure of this very hotel. It's gotten too big to hold. If there were any way we could keep it and preserve the safety of the hotel we would. I'm afraid we've thought of everything but it must be taken down." But they couldn't! That tree was my freedom. They couldn't just take it away! "When is it scheduled for removal?" "Early August if everything goes as planned." I nodded, thanking the men as they walked back to the lobby. August... that was when I was leaving. Leaving and never returning. How silly of me to lose myself again into the whimsy of my fairytales. I couldn't have Amo and my family in one life, they were strictly divided and I had to let go of one because they couldn't co exist together. This thing with Amo was getting too big and for the integrity of my life to go on I needed to remove it. I always knew that, why was it so hard to believe that then?