By Sin We Fall

Chapter Six

That night I woke with a strangled cry caught in my throat, my eyes shot open and I looked around my room in alarm. Breathing heavily I turned on my bedside table light. It was just a dream, I told myself. The same dream that had plagued me for so many years. This time though, it was different, it had been more vivid. I could never recall what it was about exactly but I always remembered the birds in the end, the black ones that were circling above me. I shook it off and reached for my glass of water, drinking whatever was left and still feeling thirsty. I tried to calm myself down a fraction then got out of bed and put on a big sweater and padded downstairs in my long socks on the cold floor. When I reached the kitchen and opened the door I was surprised to be greeted by all the lights on. Nevio stood in the middle of the kitchen leaning against the counter in his boxers. "You couldn't sleep either?" I asked. "I never went to sleep. You?" He asked. He was eating something from a large Tupperware container, probably something Kiara would be mad about tomorrow. "I just had a bad dream, thats all." As the days were nearing me leaving I was anything but excited. My worries had been keeping me up restless. "I guess I've been spending all this time trying to convince others about going to this school. Now that it's actually here...I feel I have to convince myself. The fear I didn't know was there, now that it's final, it's overwhelming. But I can't tell anybody that because I'm the only one who wants this." Now it just seemed stupid to leave everybody to do something I had no idea would even be worth it. All the doubts had come in at once. What if I didn't like it and returned home on the second day? Everyone probably expected that, especially my dad but for me that would be devastating and not to mention embarrassing. I always had a direction when it came to ballet and this has been the next step for so long now. I don't know what I would do if I let that go. I would feel lost. Maybe a small part of me thought this day would never come and a part of me was comfortable in that rejection. "I don't know what to say, I've never experienced that," Nevio said. "That's fine, just having someone to talk to is nice." "Just think of it like a new chapter for you, of someone who doesn't need others permission, do whatever the hell you want to do, Greta, and be proud of whatever that is." We scavenged for some more snacks in the restaurant sized fridge then brought our treasure back to my bedroom. We were now sitting on my bed digging into the almond cookies. "Don't you wish we had a grandmother?" I asked Nevio, "you know someone that would hug us, take our side in arguments and make cookies, that kind of stuff?" I smiled shyly at the juvenile image. "There's already too many people in this house. I can't keep up with another birthday," Nevio said. I frowned at that since Nevio just regifts everyone's presents to the point that I've now seen the same present three times. "I mean, do you feel like something's missing? Knowing we have a whole other family alive and healthy and we're just going about our day with our heads down about it." "It doesn't feel like anything is missing and we're not keeping our heads down," he said haughty. "You already have so many people who love you, Greta. Keep those people close to you, you don't need anybody else to feel complete." It was inevitable that I'd find out about the kidnapping, it ruined my whole fairytale image I had of my parents. The magical idea of how love transcends borders. It shattered my whole belief knowing the intentions behind the meeting was revenge and hate. The whole situation just struck my opinion lower about this world and my family's contributions to it. I wouldn't talk to my parents for two weeks afterwards. Just walking around the house heartbroken by the truth, what else was new in my life? Nevio was mostly confused about it but since I was mad about it he took my side in the matter. I finally spoke that one dinner after my parents were trying to bribe me with promises of new ballet dresses, Disneyland, ice cream. "I want to meet them,'' I finally said. It was my demand, firmly stating the words with confidence. That would be the condition to which I forgave my dad. "That will never happen, Greta." He replied firmly. "Well, I will never forgive you then." This was a time when I was trying to put my foot down to be strong. It resulted in a broken glass shattering on the table. Later that night Nevio came into my bed and told me if I wanted to go meet Mom's family he would take me. We could sneak out in the night together and drive away. That's what helped me in the end, I realized I wasn't ready for that meeting and I had to accept that fact to forgive my parents. "My offer still stands, whenever you want to go, I'll go with you and protect you," Nevio reassured me. Knowing I had this offer, that I could use it at any time, it helped me return to my life. I would be ok for now, knowing whenever I was ready Nevio would take me. When Dad and Nevio were gone on business travel I'd sometimes sneak into Mom's room at night, she'd usually be in there watching an old movie with popcorn. I cuddled up to join her. "What was-" I was going to say grandma but perhaps that was too intimate of a name for a person you didn't know, "your mother like?" I resorted to instead. She looked at me a little bewildered, like that was the last thing she expected me to say. "Um, well... She was strong and yet so caring and soft to those she cared about. But she was a warrior in her own way, a strong woman to look up to." "Do you think she'd like me?" I asked vulnerably. ''Of course Greta, she would have loved you so dearly." "And Nevio?" She returned a sad smile, "yes, I would like to think she would have loved him dearly as well." I wouldn't bring up her family again because I saw the sadness mom tried to hide behind her smile. It left her a bit off the next few days whenever I brought them up. I came back to the present and leaned my head on Nevio. "I love you Nevio, I really do. I don't know where I would be in this world without you." "Phh, probably in a ditch somewhere." I giggled, sleepiness seeping in. Later when I was right on the cusp of sleep, I heard Nevio's soft words, "I love you too, Greta." And then he was gone, leaving me with a sleepy grin on my face. The greatest gift Nevio could give you was being vulnerable and in those moments he never ceased to amaze me.