By Sin We Fall

Chapter Twelve

I was hungover. More from the experience of last night than my intrusive introduction to alcohol. A slight pain was flaring up in my right temple from the lack of sleep last night. My throat was itchy, making it hard to swallow. I needed water. My robe tangled and my hair knotted, I threw open the double doors of my room, walking straight to the kitchenette. Simone gawked at me from the ottoman. He was probably in shock of seeing me like this. Every morning I would walk through the doors with my gym bag in hand, my hair in a neat bun and an optimistic attitude, ready to leave for the day. "I'll be ready to leave in twenty minutes," I tried to console Simone but it came out barely louder than a whisper. I coughed realizing I had lost a decibel of my voice from last night. Not even last night, more like four hours ago. Unlike the first time I snuck out this time I had no worries about my bodyguards finding out. My adventures seemed to affirm to me what I knew all along, my family was overreactive about the world. My guards didn't particularly care about me, they cared about their jobs which entailed keeping me alive. Not so much happy, but alive. So I had found people in New York who did care about me and my happiness. It seemed like a win-win situation. Mauro and Simone reported back a well behaved daughter. Their boss was happy, and so they were happy. My family was happy thinking I was safe in my strictly defined margins and finally I was happy being able to dance and explore the city. Everything was working great! Except my head. I scuffled back to my room with a large glass of water, holding my head because it seemed like it was moving too much. I had to leave soon but nothing was in place. I tried to recount what was on my calendar today, then I had to muster up the energy to actually care about these things. First I had a fitting at the school's costume department then I had to meet with the group of students about our team choreographed recital. Thank goodness I didn't have to dance today. My feet were swollen and my head was somewhere else. After that I would finish packing and board the plane to go home. My usual fear that drove me to be early and prepared wasn't there and I spent too long looking out the window to the city below.

The cold air of the morning and the briskness of paste that this city operated on quickly sobered me up. Despite having to be stuffed into a tight bodice and then being poked and prodded at, my costume looked whimsical for next weeks performance. At the student meeting I added in a few ideas to be incorporated with our recital and it seemed to go over well. I felt more daring in my everyday life, as you do after you've overcome an obstacle and everything looks small in perspective of what I once worried over. After everything was done I distractedly walked the corridors to head to the car. Mom had sent me a message that she was packing for our girls' getaway we were going on. Something that we did every summer. I had so much to celebrate it was scary how well everything was going. I heard Stephen's laugh before I saw him turn the corner. He looked good today. His face was shining like he had gotten a mid vacation tan. His smile somehow looked even more brilliant. Tom was beside him, brightly talking to him about something. Everyone around Stephen seemed to be affected by his good virtues. I met Stephen's eyes and he all of a sudden turned serious, excusing himself from Tom and walking over to me. My heart rate picked up, did I do something wrong? His face took on an easy attitude again and I relaxed as the seriousness slipped off his face. "You're not in the performance this weekend?" he asked. "No, not this time. I'm going home to my family for the long weekend." His mind seemed preoccupied, he didn't seem to listen to my reply as if he already knew that. "I was wondering when you come back... well I've found the best restaurant in New York and I don't say that lightly after being in the city for ten years. We could go try it if you wanted to? And don't worry, I already checked, they have vegan options." I looked up at Stephen caught off guard, the way he said it was so casual and far off that it took me a second to understand what his words meant and when I did the deja vu hit me. This was one of my dreams, how long ago? How had so much changed in such a short time? The feelings I now held toward Stephen were so fragile, almost lost, like a light bulb in the background of the sun. When it was dark it was comforting but now I had the whole world at my fingertips. Not to set him aside from that fact but I always did know deep down we weren't to be together. I saw him as an escape from my world. Everything had changed without me realizing it, without my permission. Not to mention I didn't even talk to guys outside of my family before this and now it seemed men were falling from the sky. I saw Mauro's figure appear on the other side of the glass door, frowning at the scene in place. "I can't, I'm sorry-" I said quickly. Sadness seeping in over the mourning of my old dreams. He looked taken aback and I felt bad for being the one responsible for notching down Stephen's joy. He still pulled off a beautiful smile though, "Maybe next time then? By the way, I wanted to tell you, the thing you did at the restaurant. That was really courageous of you, standing up to those thugs," he said the word with disgust, "I felt insulted but lost for words, you just spoke your mind and it was impressive to see you like that." Yeah... about those thugs. "Well, I see you have to go but I hope you're in the next performance." "I will," I returned hopefully, still trying to find words of consultation to my rejection, still trying to find a reason that wasn't there. Mauro came up to me just as Stephen was walking away. "What did he want?" he asked ruffly. "Oh, he was just asking about... homework. I'm ready now though, we can leave," I said, still off in though. Mauro escorted me out to the car and I obliged in his gentle but impatient nudges. Yes, some time at home would be good for me.