starlight - jaylor AU

lets work together

«Good afternoon, Taylor. How are things in the big apple?» She asks and I can't help but smile «classes are going well. It's only been a week and a half of classes, but I feel like I'm learning stuff already. And everyone is really excited to be here, which gives a good energy to the whole place»

Everyone at Juilliard genuinely want to be here. This isn't a school you go to halfheartedly, if you come here you want to do well. Its highly competitive to get in, so if you're one of the few that get in each year you don't want to take that for granted. Out of thousands of applicants only 60 music students got in this year. And that's across both instruments and vocal arts. It means that it's only the best that gets in, those that would give anything to be here. Everyone is also really nice, so far there hasn't been that typical bitch and queen B that makes everyone's lives miserable.

«That's good. Have you made friends? I know we talked about your roommate Selena a lot before you left for New York»

«Selena has been amazing, it's good to have a friend from the first moment I came here. Then there are a few guys that have been come part of our group or whatever you want to call it. A guy named tom, a guy named Joe and surprisingly enough harry»

I didn't come here planning to be around harry at all, but there is no avoiding him at this point. He is joe's roommate, so I've had to make the best out of the situation. we are all adults here, and I can't be the petty ex-girlfriend, especially when I was the one that broke up with him. I've lost the right to be petty if anything he should be the petty one.

«How is it begin around harry? Have you two talked?» She was my sounding board when I debated breaking up with him or not. I wanted to break up with him because I knew it was the right thing for me to do for myself, but I didn't want to hurt him. Breaking up with him was essentially taking away part of my support system. He was my best friend for so long and I think that's why I stayed in a relationship with him. I knew that if I broke up with him, I would lose that friendship I needed badly. But in the end, I knew what the right thing was, I needed to break it off. It was painful, but also the right thing to do for myself.

«It's been... I don't know. He pulled me aside and asked for a second chance, but I made it clear all I could offer him is friendship. It's hard to turn him down because I really want my friend back, but I can't get back together with him. It's not fair on either one of us» I've spent many hours with my therapist going over all these things, and made endless pros and cons lists to debate it with myself. But over the years I've been her patient I've learned to break down situations and think about it rationally even if it does come naturally to me. Pros and cons lists help me with that because it makes me see it objectively and side by side. «Denying him is hard though, it stings. I love him, but just as a friend. I've thought a lot about it, and he was my first love, but I can't see myself spending forever with him if I want the kind of love I want. Being with him would be the comfortable thing to do, but I just can't do it»

«That's a mature reflection Taylor, I'm proud of you. Over the years you've come far with making decisions, I'm proud to see your development. I'm not going to tell you what to do about your relationship, I'm only here to guide you make the decision you want to make, but open dialogue with him is a good place to start if you want your friend back. I'm sure he is unsure about where he stands with you, and that is probably confusing» she says, and I tell her almost exactly what I told harry when he pulled me aside in the community room. I did straight up tell him that I just wanted to be friends, and I don't know how much clearer I can be about that.

I meant what I said to harry, I don't want to get his hopes up about something that's not going to happen. I'm not going to change my mind about being with him in that way because I know I made the right decision in the first place. I must admit that when he talks to me about it, I want to dig into old habits and cave to him, but I know it won't help me in the end. It would be unfair for me to pretend that we can have a romantic relationship again, but we can have a platonic friendship. It might take some time, but I hope we can get back to being close friends. I don't regret being with him in that way, but I also realize that it messed up something that meant a lot to me. It was a hard decision to end it, and I need to stand by it.

«It sounds like you made yourself clear. Remember, you can't control other actions, but you can control your own. Setting boundaries are important and then it's in the hand of the other person how they will handle it but making yourself clear is all you can do. I know you like control, but you can't control the people around you»

We talk a little about classes before we get to the dreaded topic of food. «How is it going following your meal plan? You have three meals a day from your school and its plenty of things to pick from. And then you know there is a snack on your plan every day, and another one if you do physical activity» she says, and I know all that.

Truth is that I'm trying hard to follow it, but I'm struggling a lot. It seems like somedays I can do it, but others I fall flat on my ass. And every time I fall its harder to get back up again. It's like I get so tried every time I fall, and my body is too weak to get back up again. I don't know if that's even a good description of how I feel, but that's the only one I can think of anyway.

«I'm trying hard to follow it. In the cafeteria everything is labeled with calories per portion and per 100g, so it makes it hard to not look at it» that's putting it lightly, because I make my decision by looking at those labels. When they are right in front of my face its controlling my every move. It's so engrained in me that it's impossible to look away. I know it's not up to the school to adjust to my triggers, but for me it's like putting drugs in front of a drug addict. If I see it, I can't stop looking at it, and once I get a taste of it, I'm too far gone.

«How are you dealing with having the calories displayed? How does it make you feel?» She asks and I see her taking notes of everything I say as we go alone. She has always been big on taking notes so she can put it in my life.

«I'm not dealing well with it, but I'm trying. I know what's at stake if I fall back into the deep end of my problem»

We talk a little about how I can avoid looking at the labels, and how I can still fulfil my meal plan even if the labels are there. She reminds me that my meal plan is the exchange system that doesn't take calories into account, but it's still hard. «Until next time I want you to write a pros and cons list about why you should follow your meal plan. Because it can be hard to hold onto the healthy habits you have created when there are temptations all around you. having a list to look at when its hard could be beneficial» she says.

Eventually we hang up the call and I take a deep breath before I head back into my dorm room. After a session with her I'm totally wiped so I made sure to grab something for dinner and take it up to my dorm before my session.

When I get to my dorm Selena isn't there, so she is probably already downstairs to eat dinner. We spend most of our free time together, but sometimes we have things that get in the way, like my therapy session today.

For dinner I got a to go tofu teriyaki bowl and a ginger kombucha. I'm supposed to have a desert with dinner too, but I haven't been able to manage that while I've been here. Most of the time I take an iced coffee and call it a dessert, but I know my dietician wouldn't approve of that. But I put my food on my desk so I can eat while I start on this pros and cons list. They have worked In the past to put things into perspective for me, so hopefully it can still work for me. There is a lot at stake if I fall of the wagon again, I can't let that happen.

***

5+ comments and 15+ likes for next chapter 

Instagram: @caffeine_reading_writing

Instagram: Swiftielife__

Twitter: Swiftielife__