Steal the Stars [REWRITING]

Nicole - Nightmares and Gossip

The air was still.

Too still, the kind of sticky, unbreathable air that made me choke. Tear tracks marred my face, hot on my face. I breathed in sharply and rubbed my face, smearing the tears into each other, rubbing at my eyes until they were gone. I laid back down and hugged my pillow to me, covering my face. It was too hot and too cold and too everything, and I wanted to fall back asleep but also didn't–couldn't. The things that lurked in the dark scared me more than I cared to admit; my own mind scared me more than I cared to admit. Wasn't that a stupid, dramatic thought. I needed to get over myself.

It wasn't unusual–the too long nights and haunting nightmares. I woke up from some sort of nightmare almost every night, once the light had faded and I was left alone in my bedroom. It had been almost two years since I'd arrived at the inn, covered in bruises, desperate and afraid. Almost two years since I had joined Annabelle, Leo, and James. Almost two years of being not quite safe, but safer.

And still, the nightmares hadn't stopped.

I shouldn't still have been having them. I was safe. My friends were safe. We'd even made it back from the Count's just fine. But when we'd said goodnight and headed to our separate rooms, as soon as James and Annabelle's bickering had faded, I felt like I was drowning. Like the darkness became sentient and ready to swallow me whole.

I gasped for air, twisting in my blankets and attempting to wipe more tears off my face. I was being stupid. I needed to grow up. I needed to realise I was fine, just like everyone else had. I needed to let go–to move on and push everything back into the past. I needed to stop acting ridiculous. I was not a child. I needed-

"Nicole?" Someone rapped softly on my door. "Are you okay?"

Leo's voice.

I didn't answer. Instead, I practically held my breath and laid as still as I could, as if it would make him leave. As if I thought it hard enough–or pretended like I hadn't just woken up crying–he would go back to his room, unconcerned and under the impression everything was fine. Because it was. Or it would be. Should be.

"I'm not leaving until you tell me you're okay."

I swallowed, nearly choking on fresh tears. "I'm okay."

There was a pause, and I could tell he was debating over whether or not to stay or go. Leo would've stopped to get a bug out of the way of being stepped on. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Okay...you know where to find me." A moment later, I heard his footsteps retreating. It was honestly a relief. I didn't need to burden him–or anyone else I knew–with my problems. This was something I needed to figure out. On my own. And if I couldn't figure it out, that was my problem–and only my problem. Making it someone else's was unfair, and who really cared, anyway? I exhausted and frustrated myself; I couldn't expect other people to have to deal with my problems. How was that fair? I liked the way they knew me, the anonymity I had here. I didn't have to be defined by anything or anyone; it was new. It was fresh.

I just wanted to sleep for once. One night, all the way through.

But, of course, I didn't get what I wanted. Sleep was always one step ahead, like a figure in the distance that I just couldn't quite reach. Right there, and so far away at the same time. It didn't matter much, anyway. Any sleep I did get was usually fitful and filled with dreams that shook me to my core. It might have been better that I didn't sleep.

I slipped out of bed. I wasn't going to be getting any rest tonight. I pulled the curtain back gently, peering out into the night. This was Itari–my view was blocked by buildings. Or, rather, my view was buildings. Even in the middle of the night, business continued as usual. Especially in this part of the city–though, the dealings were significantly shadier. Close to the window, the air was icy cold, which I almost preferred to the stifling heat from deeper inside my room.