𝐂𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐌𝐀, i-land

013.

「 CINEMA ‧₊˚ * 🎞 」
╰► 013. fire

'SHE'. THE VERY WORD SHE WASN'T EXPECTING TO COME OUT OF SOMEONE'S MOUTH. Hell, she didn't even notice how Sungdeuk referred to her as a 'she' until someone muttered the word by itself. It was funny how such a common word could send chills down her spine. Her eyes widened slightly as her eyes darted at the source of the utterance, only to be met by the stares of 12 boys sent her way. It dawned on her just then that she couldn't shrug it off and go back to how they were before. If she lied again it would only backfire once they would inevitably find out so the only option she had was to accept it, no matter how much she wanted to run.

"Why are you all surprised..." Sungdeuk muttered, confused. He looked at their puzzled faces before coming back to Haru's anxious one. "Did you all not know?"

"Hyung's a girl?" Sunoo blinked.

"Oh...You didn't tell them yet?" Sungdeuk asked, his tone awkward, "Sorry..."

Haru mustered up the will to speak, tense under everyone's stares. "It's fine... I was going to tell them eventually."

Zico awkwardly hummed, "I suppose we'll leave you guys to... figure this out... Do think about everything we said." The younger man gestured for Sungdeuk and pdogg to follow him as they awkwardly took their leave.

Haru kept her gaze fixated on the ground, "Well then... Let's sit down."

TO DESCRIBE THE WAY HARU FELT AS NERVOUS, WAS A GRAVE UNDERSTATEMENT. Her body was on fire, her chest threatening to jump out of her chest. The hairs on her skins were standing on end as she kept her gaze glued to the ground in front of her, avoiding the stares of the boys that stood ahead. She felt too sick to look up at their expressions. Haru hated confrontation — at both the giving and receiving ends.

"So... are you really a girl?"

She hesitated for a moment before slowly nodding. She looked up to see the boys exchange glances. They were baffled.

"That... That actually explains a lot..." Heeseung let out a small, awkward laugh, "Why I'd never heard of you while we were training. You're too good not to rank high."

If Haru was honest, she wasn't expecting that. She was anticipating more anger or hurt from being deceived.

"I thought bighit didn't have any female trainees though," Youngbin tilted his head.

"They have female trainees," Haru confirmed, her anxiety subsiding slightly. "Not as many as there are boys though. They're typically scouted since they haven't had open auditions yet. They thought I was a guy when they scouted me but they kept me around despite the fact that I wasn't one."

"But why are you here then?" Sunghoon asked, genuine confusion in his voice. Haru put on a small smile.

"BangPD-nim asked me to participate in the show," Haru explained, "Due to... certain circumstances I was starting to consider giving up training and going back to focusing purely on acting. I guess he didn't want to let go of me just yet."

"I can see why," Seon shrugged humorously.

Haru suppressed a smile. "He said going on the show would be good for me no matter the outcome. Plus I'd fit in with everyone visually, right? Viewers shouldn't have too much of a problem with me," She pointed at herself.

"When were you planning on telling us, Haru?" K asked, "If that even is your real name..." His tone was much more serious than the others. She gulped. It was going too well.

"I'm not sure..." Haru sighed, "Believe me, I wanted to tell you all but if I had any intentions of staying on this show, revealing my gender would make things harder and more unpredictable. And if I'm being honest... I was scared. I was scared to think about how things would change if you all found out. And for the record, Haru's a nickname. A stage name if you will. Like how your birth name probably isn't the letter K..." She probably came off as hostile judging by the way K's face twisted.

"What is your real name?" Jaebom sheepishly asked.

"Koharu. Feminine, right?" She chuckled lightly, "Everyone always said the name didn't suit me so they just called me Haru instead. Gender-neutral name for an androgynous girl."

Haru's smile weakened a bit, "But really... I'm really sorry for keeping this from you all for this long. I would've told you all from the beginning but it never seemed like the right thing to do. At the start, I just wanted to survive but now I don't want you guys to feel distant from me. It really doesn't need to be that big of a deal though, I'm just a person. Forget guy or girl, I'm Haru. I'm the same person you knew before all this."

Everyone went silent, not having much to say. No, they had a lot to say, but Haru could tell they were keeping it in. She stood up from her place and bowed apologetically, "Again, I'm really sorry. If it helps, you guys can keep calling me Hyung and pretending I'm a guy. I don't want this to get in the way of practice."

With that, she left the room.