Still Crazy

Chapter 15

Because of my separation anxiety, it took me three agonizing days to drive from New York to Rhode Island. I felt horrible the entire way. I drove on back roads, knowing that I would have to make numerous stops. I was glad I rented an SUV. The first thing I had done was to put the second and third row seats down. I just wished I had thought to bring a blanket. Every time I got sick, my body shivered uncontrollably. Several times, I had no time or place safe enough to pull over to the side of the road. I vomited into a bag, right there in the car.

At the first motel I stopped at, I vomited in their lobby, all over their tan and brown carpet. I was so sick, I couldn't fall asleep. I sat on the floor in the bathroom the entire night.

I tried to think about anything other than Dan. I thought about the three houses I had seen online. Unlike the home in Georgia or the one in Maine, the house I was going to see had a lot of acreage. Two-hundred and thirty acres of vacant land. I had mixed feelings. I wanted to start a new life, one with no worries. But, I also wanted my husband by my side. We had done everything together since I was a teenager. I couldn't believe how much I missed him.

I thanked the Lord for not allowing hatred to enter my heart. "Thank You for Jesse. Please, Lord, I pray You were with Jesse when he went to see Dan."

That was my prayer because on my way to the corner deli, I had stopped by Jesse's house – I wanted him to find his letter before Dan found his. I knew Dan would immediately call the cops and I could not let that happen. I was going to leave Jesse's letter in his mailbox. When I saw his truck was still in the driveway, I set his letter on his seat.

Dear Jesse,

Thank you for being a true friend to both Dan and me. Jesse, I need you to be strong. Not for me, but for Dan. I have decided to leave Dan. In my heart, I know Dan is not happy with me. I know he sees other women.

I'm not asking you to take sides. I know you are Dan's best friend. Please, Jesse, I'm begging you to make sure Dan does not call the police. I'm going to be just fine.

Jesse, please take care of Dan and Lady. And take care of yourself.

Love you, big guy! Julie.

Lynnae's letter was not as easy to write. It took me many tries before I could sign hers. At five a.m. I got up, showered and left the motel. In addition to a generous tip for housekeeping, I left a note apologizing for the odor left behind.

Two hours and twelve minutes later, I crossed into Rhode Island. The moment I saw the sign, I started to cry. I was elated and nervous at the same time. It was a huge milestone for me. An awakening. Entering Rhode Island was step one for me. I didn't have to stop the vehicle, I was able to continue driving. When I reached Shelter Harbor, I stopped at a little store for a box of saltines and some ginger ale. An hour later, I stopped at the first Vacancy sign I saw. A small bed and breakfast. When I entered the front room and read the check-in sign – 3 p.m. – my heart sank. I hit the bell on the desk anyway.

"Morning, can I help you?" a man asked me as he set a stack of newspapers and magazines down on the corner table.

"Good morning. Your sign says you have a vacancy. By any chance do you have a room ready?"

"I have two rooms available. Would you like a view of the ocean or of the neighborhood?"

"The ocean. Please. Can I check in early and pay cash? I'm exhausted."

"Not a problem." He held a pen out to me and I signed the registration form using my maiden name.

"Thank you so much."