Bad Euphoria

REFLECT

I sat in the backseat as we took a 4 hour drive to my parents lake house. They knew Nathan would come looking for me so they picked a place he didn't know about. Having that time to think, I realized Yannis or Victor must have found Jacqueline to prove just how wrong I was about Nathan. It hurt like hell, but they were right.

Once we arrived at the lake house, I smiled at how beautiful everything still looked.

My parent's really took care of this place. They even made some changes.

There were new upgrades done throughout the house with modern appliances and decor. All I had to do was turn one of the rooms into a nursery and it was perfect. A grin formed on my face thinking about the fun my siblings and I had here. Cookouts, swimming, scary stories around the bonfire...I looked forward to doing things like that with Ethan.

My mom and sister took over with the baby and I was able to get some much needed sleep and do some self care. We also had lots of laughs, girl talks and dancing. My sister and mother absolutely adored Ethan and my Dad and brother's were excited to have another "man" in the family...they are so funny.

After staying in the lake house for three weeks, I decided this was going to be me and my son's home for a while longer. Once my mother and sister left, I stayed and worked from home, took care of my son and enjoyed my time away from everyone, meaning Nathan, Yannis, Victor and Hasani.

I was tired of the emotional rollercoaster I kept allowing myself to be put on dealing with them. My engagement ring sparkled on my finger and I laughed to myself.

"How were Nathan and I going to get married if he already has a wife? At least Hasani was honest about making me his second wife," I said out loud.

As I listened to myself...my situation began to sink in. Then Ethan's baby sounds grabbed my attention.

"Looks like it's just you and me sweetums...I'm sorry we had to leave daddy behind, but you'll see him again. Mommy just needs some time to myself."

Ethan gave me a little smile.

How could I let things go this far?

I hated that I missed Nathan so much. These last few days the anxiety and aches for him seemed to grow.

Who am I kidding, I don't even care about his wife...I still want him.

That wasn't the moral thing to feel or want but I was so confused. I love Nathan with everything in me but I still wasn't ready to give in. My heart was still hurting and my body rejected the idea of Nathan touching it again.

Internally, I battled with my love for him and my respect for myself. Being alone right now was the best thing for me and it felt good taking control of my life.

***

It was raining really hard tonight and I loved it. I always looked at rain as the earth's way of cleansing itself. Ethan was sleeping next to me on the bed, milk drunk from me breastfeeding him. The sounds of the rain soothed my mind and I began to think about the different experiences in sex and love that I've had during these few years.

Yannis...My First Love.

He was my first experience with love, sex and lust. Yanni changed my fear about intimacy, awakened my passion and want for the opposite sex. He made sex feel so amazing, primal and animalistic, causing my cravings for it to begin. Love with Yanni was so natural and easy, everything made sense and I wasn't worried about anything but being with him.

Victor...My Prince Charming.

The one that made me blush at his words and touch. How beautiful I felt with just one look from him. His love was verbal and physical...he showed me the difference between having sex and making love. Both acts are intense and pleasurable but making love is way more beautiful and romantic, like a work of art. Victor also gave me my first heartbreak, which made me long to have real love even more.

Hasani...My Soul Healer.

I'm so thankful for him. My lowest emotional state was but a memory once his words touched my ears. He reminded me of who I was and the power I truly held within me. There was no pity, just lessons learned. Hasani showed me how magical my femininity and body really is and that there's no limit to the pleasure I can receive when I just....let go.

Nathan...My Dark Angel.

My calm and my storm....my fear and my peace....my pain and my pleasure. The thought of being controlled and possessed has never turned me on until I met Nathan Spear. This man has made me tremble in fear while trembling in ecstasy all in one night. In his eyes I can see the lust, darkness, love and adoration. Nathan is complex but he loves and protects me which is the reason why I love him.

Depending on the woman...I'm sure picking between the four of them would be an easy choice. But for me...they all fulfill things in me that I want and crave.

Imani?......Imani?

My heart raced and I looked around at the sound of Nathan's voice. He wasn't here but the clarity in his tone made it feel like he was standing right next to me.

"Nathan?" I said out loud.

So you can hear me...

I remained quiet, still looking around. When I looked down at Ethan he was cooing and smiling at me.

"Can you hear Daddy too?"

He's the one that's allowing me to communicate with you.

"What?" I picked Ethan up as he continued his baby sounds.

He knows you miss me, Kitty.....I miss you too.

Ethan cooed again and stretched his little arms.

I smiled and kissed his soft little cheek.

"Traitor."