By Sin We Fall

Chapter Seventeen

The extent I knew about the political workings of the Camorra's relationship with the Famiglia was this: Las Vegas good, New York bad. But even I knew who Luca Vitiello was. The big bad wolf of any childhood story I was graced to hear. He had a son... Amo. What the hell was I doing? I had single handedly found myself in the home of the enemy. It all clicked into place, the things I always had an inkling about but never took seriously. I don't know how long I sat there behind the wall, my heart pounding, it felt like one of those nightmares where you wanted to run but your legs didn't work. Finally I calmed down enough to come to my common sense. I walked quietly down the corridor, I continued walking around the corner even when I heard my name being called. Someone caught my arm, I jerked back. Seeing it was Amo, for the first time I stepped away from him. For the first time I wanted to hide from him, my face morphed to grief of what had become. "What is wrong? Did something happen?" "I-no." Amo clearly caught the high pitch of my lie. His eyes thinning. God he looked so evil right now. Why was I so blind to what was right in front of me? "Everyone if I could have your attention!" I looked back at the party as someone was standing on a table, clinking a wine glass with an announcement. Nothing made sense while everything I ever knew was falling into place but I couldn't sort through the wreckage of it right now, I needed to get out. Now. Looking around myself, I frantically realized that everyone in this room was somehow connected to the Famiglia. That everyone for this reason had an intention to hurt me, to see me dead. No wonder my family didn't trust me! I had single handedly put myself in the worst possible situation! My breath was erratic and I couldn't handle it. I should have never left my room, I should have never snuck out that- "Margaret." Amo squeezed my arm, the sensation taking me out of my thoughts. "What?" "Are you ok?'' The music came back to my ears, the chatter of the guests returned. "-So if you would follow me outside for the show!" The lady on the table finished saying. Ok, I could figure this out. Breath. Look for an exit. I'll walk back to the hotel and never talk to Amo again. Easy. "I need to leave." I said as casually as I could muster. "You're flushed, there is obviously something wrong. You can talk to me Margaret.'' His sincerity took me off guard. Amo, sweet forlorn Amo. I looked with reverence and grief into his eyes. Enemy. I flinched from the thought. Unwelcome but true. Everything I thought I knew was falling apart, falling to dust. "I... I can't do this I'm-" sorry. I turned sharply, slipping out of his grasp. Walking as fast as I could through the throng of people. The only thing I saw was the door, inconveniently it was also in the path of Allison. She had a look in her eye, but I had half a thought to care. A choked gasp escaped me when the feeling of cold liquid dripped down the front of my dress, the feeling mingled with my emotional state of a broken heart sent a shock wave through me. It felt like there wasn't a single cell of my body that was warm. "Oops, looks like you should watch out where you're going. Don't worry though, mistakes happen, just have to remember to stay away from where you aren't meant to be," her eyes squinted but she smiled condescendingly, yet sweetly for any spectators. A sugary voice of fakeness, a toothache of artificial kindness that was hidden beneath a rotten demeanour. "A mistake?" I laughed sardonically and half psychotic, "just like that nose job was?" Her features contorted into a horrid gasp. I stood there shocked, did I just say that? I had seen her earlier when she thought no one was watching, she was unconsciously touching her nose as someone being self conscious of it would. I knew clearly what it was, a weakness. Dad had always told us to search for others weaknesses, to always keep them on hand so you could deliver the final blow when needed. Of course I never used that advice but I guess I unconsciously saved that information in the back of my mind. My face contorted to fear as I continued to the door. I didn't walk toward the elevator anymore. I couldn't handle being in a closed box right now, I needed fresh air. Unraveled, I felt like a long thread was unwinding and I didn't know what was beneath it. Never had I been the bitchy girl who preyed on insecurities. No matter how much I tried to resist it though, I was part of my family more than I thought, no matter how much I tried to deny it. That meant Amo was as much of his family as I was of mine. We were bound to fight, bound to hate one another on the outskirts of our territory. Drawing lines of rules that were not to be crossed. Ruined. Like a beautiful mirage falling to a marble floor. But it isn't broken yet, it was inches away from the relenting floor but still put together. It wouldn't last, I knew that with complete certainty now. I maneuvered through the crowd as quickly as I could. I pushed open the patio door and didn't stop walking till I was away from the crowd. I grabbed the railing looking straight down to a thousand foot drop. Finally I felt as if I could fill my lungs fully. I closed my eyes, the cool breeze calming me. I opened my eyes again looking straight down, seeing the small specks of people and cars through the fog. Hazy realization came that I was stuck, that I would need to go back inside to get down from this building and I had half a thought to just jump. What was Amo doing to me? As if summoned, I heard his steps coming toward me as I was still trying to calm myself down. Still supporting myself on the railing I spit out, "stay away." I feel like a caged animal, lashing out at anyone who tries to come near. I had become feral in the revelation. "Tell me what is wrong," he says in an annoyingly calm voice, like a parent would use to an overreactive child. I was falling apart, couldn't he see that! "What's wrong?!-" I screamed at him, turning around to him angrily. I had so much to tell him, to scream at him, but when I saw his face the words vanished. Nothing left in its absence to say. Because instead of words the truth came in. There was nothing wrong in this moment. Nothing grotesque, nor horrid. When I really looked at Amo all I felt was warmth and beauty. I turned back to the scenery but I couldn't appreciate any of it. I didn't look on to the city with wide-eyed innocence anymore. A loud boom stopped my heart. I look above me to see a scarlet red explosion. Fireworks. The crowd that was huddled outside in the opposing corner of the wide balcony, awed at the scene. I was still numb to all of it. "What's wrong is... you bring out the worst in me. I don't recognize myself anymore Amo and that scares me more than anything. I don't want to become this person and... I need to leave." I didn't realize I was crying till the last part. I needed to blame someone for this torturous feeling that was constraining my body. I wanted it to stop. "For the both of us, I need to leave, and please, please don't come after me," I said gentler, pleadingly. But he listened. In my state I didn't see that the whole time he was inching closer to me. Without me noticing, so that when he was so close to me that I could feel the heat of his body, I leaned in a fraction without freaking out. He held me close, the feeling of tension in my body was soothed and through watery eyes, looking over his shoulder, I watched the explosions of colors in the night sky. Falling down to the cold city below.

I kept staring into the mirror, my eyes were red but only held sadness now. The beauty counter was a glossy black marble with gold fixtures. Little trinkets adorned the top of it. Little glass perfume bottles in elaborate designs, little bowls with golden necklaces hanging out of them. Pearl earrings resting in velvet boxes. Silk cloth and tiny frames that I couldn't see what they held in the dim light, but looked like family pictures. Signs of a life well lived. The only light was from the mirror's soft glow. It altered my appearance into someone I didn't recognize. I kept staring into my eyes. I came to the realization that I didn't know myself anymore, I kept searching for something that felt familiar. What was wrong with me? The stark reality was that there was no going back. I couldn't fit myself into the person I used to be, I'd grown so much and I couldn't squeeze myself back into my old life. The feeling was like the first frost of fall, a howling wind that shook me to the core... and then it was gone. There was no reason to hold onto the past anymore. I had to come out of denial and accept where I was. "Amo seems happy." It was said almost in a whisper, the space was so ambient that anything else would feel too harsh. We were hiding above the party, the room was dark. She had long blond hair and a calm demeanour, nothing like Amo despite being his mother. I could see the landscape of the city lights in the reflection of the mirror. I wouldn't call Amo happy. He was in a constant pessimistic and disappointed state anytime I saw him. "I wouldn't know, I haven't known Amo long enough to judge his character." "He relates to you. He normally does not show himself to people he doesn't trust with his life, even then he's cautious. Always working within the lines of what he wants." My hair pulled as she put it back. "He has plans. Always has since he was little," she continued. "I suppose that is what happiness is to Amo, being devoted to something he wants. To achieve what he is determined to do." Anything in the way of what he wanted was misery. I couldn't be that person to stop him from getting what he relentlessly worked towards. I couldn't live with myself knowing I was the reason his dreams wouldn't come true. "Hardly anything works out the way we plan it to. He's changed his plans before." She pursed her lips as if hesitating to say something. "He thinks he wants what Luca wants, he's modified his wishes to please his father. I don't think they're all his own." "I don't know how this relates to me," I said softly but sadly. I was an outsider here, an enemy. She shouldn't be telling me these things. These things hurtfully reaffirmed that I had no privilege to be in Amo's life. "I know you have your own plans but no matter how things happen, just be open to how they might change. That's my experience and you don't have to take that advice if you don't want to but if things don't go as planned, just know it's always for the better." "I really hope that's true... nothing seems that way right now." Someone was calling for her downstairs. She swallowed, patting my shoulder, "there, you look beautiful." She said in a formal voice, as if everything else was a secret. She caught my gaze in the mirror before she left. I heard her steps on the stairs. I breathed in a deep sigh. Pulling my gaze away from the reflection in the mirror. Standing up was the first time I saw the dress. Something that looked like you couldn't buy it in any store. It felt like it was stitched to every inch of my body. The fabric was shimmery and long, a distinguished green color. I looked grown up, to say the least. I walked to the stairs recognizing I had unintentionally become more intertwined with the very thing I was trying to run away from. I had her dress. Something of hers I now held and would remind me of all of this. It had been her dress when she was younger, she said her daughter didn't want it so she gave it to me. All of this was too much, too much kindness from someone I wasn't allowed to have kindness from. It left my brain in a whirlwind of contradictions. When I walked down the stairs, Amo took my hand and guided me through the party. I didn't notice the others as we walked through a faceless crowd. The elevator doors closed and I leaned my head on Amo's shoulder as we descended down. My panic was over and all that was left was a calm sea, so still I could see everything so clearly. The storm changed everything in the ways I least expected it. The weirdest part was that I felt safer with Amo, which denied everything I knew. Maybe this whole thing was bound to break into a thousand heartbreaking pieces, but it wasn't ruined yet, hanging by a thread perhaps. But I would try anything to prolong the inevitable,

the crash. 

Song - Would've, Could've, Should've, Taylor Swift