The Novelty of Existence

18

𝙰𝙱 ⋆ 𝙰𝚞𝚐𝚞𝚜𝚝 ⋆ 𝙸𝚜𝚕𝚊

Approaching Calgary was like approaching the Rockies themselves. I could see them growing ever larger as we drove. They were stunning. I could feel the altitude change, and Aiden immediately got a nosebleed when we stepped out of the van.

It was Danny driving, and none of us was sure of Wes's plans for Alberta, except that he wanted to go bar hopping. Downtown Calgary was extra hot, the sun reflecting off of the buildings. I watched as Wes took in his surroundings. I could tell how similar we were then. He hadn't actually planned anything.

Danny cleared his throat, drawing our attention. "I know that Wes wants to bar hop," He said, eliciting a fist pump from Wes and an eye roll from Mo. 

"I had a place in mind for us to go," He continued, and his gaze fell on me, "If you are up for it." He cleared his throat again. He was nervous. I loved the way the sun hit his skin, making it glow. I smiled. 

"I got you a gig." My heart dropped into my stomach. How and when had he done this for me? I could feel tears forming in my eyes. 

"How-"

"And it's in a bar, so we're respecting Wes's wishes." He added with a grin, not realizing what he had just done for me. How could he understand? I wiped a tear quickly away from my cheek. I rushed to him, only a few steps ahead of me, and threw my arms around his waist. Burying my head into his chest and feeling his arms hold me, too... I just wished I had felt this way sooner. I guess I was happy, though. Honoured to feel this way now. 

That evening, I watched the Calgary tower light up different colours from the back of the van in a little parking lot. I tuned my guitar, waiting for Danny to come and get me. I needed some time alone to gather my thoughts. This would be my first gig ever. I mean, it could have been my last too for all I knew. When Danny appeared, he cocked his head to the side. Silently asking me if I was ready. I was ready. I was finally ready. 

He smiled and I grabbed his hand quickly to stop him from turning away. "I won't be alive much longer," I said. I felt like I could breathe again, and a sigh left my body. "I'm going to die soon." I watched his face drop, and I felt a twinge of guilt but decided to shake it off. He stepped closer to me, so I grabbed his other hand. 

"I found out a couple of days before my 19th. There's a tumour in my head, and it will get me sooner or later. They can't safely remove it." It was like a stream leaving my mouth. It felt so good, so selfishly good to finally tell someone. "No one else knows," I continued, "Please don't tell the others." 

"But..." He started, lost for words, eyes glassy. 

"I wanted you to know how significant this opportunity is for me," I looked up, blinked the tears back, "Whether I make it another couple weeks, months, maybe years if I'm lucky... I want you to know that to exist at the same time as you is a novelty that I will always cherish." I watched a fresh tear trail down his cheek, so I reached up and wiped it away, holding his face in my hands now. 

He looked into my eyes, a thousand emotions dancing around them. I rubbed his soft cheeks with my thumbs lightly. "Please do one thing for me," I whispered, trying not to convey my own sadness. He nodded, shutting his eyes. "Don't take for granted how incredible it is that you get to exist at the same time as your friends. Never ever forget that." 

Instead of responding, he just wrapped me in a tight hug. I could feel my shirt getting wet on the shoulder he was still silently crying into. I patted his back, comforting him on my own death. I closed my eyes and memorized his essence. He smelled like bar soap and felt soft and warm. I wished I could take that essence everywhere. I wished I could explain to him that I was most scared of not falling in love before I died, but that I wasn't scared of that anymore.

 But that would be too much hurt on him. I loved walking into the bar, hand in hand. I loved the look of the little stage with a microphone, the light was dim and foggy. Wes slapped me on the back and Aiden gave me a thumbs-up. Mo squeezed my arm as I walked past. I felt so very alive.