Against Reason

Chapter Thirteen - High Impacts

In the movies everything happens in slow motion, and thats exactly what happened. I don't remember falling to the ground, I don't remember having a panic attack and the two kind officers doing everything to help me calm down. 

I calmed down, but it's as if I was frozen in time, my emotions stuck in a neutral of numbness. I'm not sure if that was just how I was coping, or if in the back of my mind I was just to terrified to face the reality, the heavy emotions of losing my wife.

She was only going out to get bread, thats it. Just a loaf of bread because Hallie was in a toast phase and dealing with a hungry toddler at 7 am in the morning is not fun. 

So she hopped in the car, and drove down the road. 

I didn't know the short peck on her cheek and haste 'I love you, be safe' would be the last words I ever said to her, as I carried Hallie upstairs to bed. 

Sitting up, the still darkness of my plain bedroom once filled with love, now filled with loneliness and yearning for something, someone. 

Checking the alarm clock next to my bed, the time reading 4:01am. Everyone is fast asleep, hopefully having better dreams than the terror I just had to endure all over again. 

I walk through the dimly moonlit hallway, stopping in front of Daphne's bedroom door. I picture her snuggled between the bed covers, fast asleep. 

I don't know what is brewing between the two of us. Since the day I walked out of my office and saw her dressed in a pair of casual denim shorts and an old New York Yankee's t-shirt, I instantly felt a spark. Just a short flick of flame in my heart, one that I hadn't felt in years. 

I hung onto that spark, the feeling was almost something new since it'd been that long since I'd felt something towards another woman. Then the flame grew as we got to know each other, each day she'd come downstairs into the kitchen or already be there cooking breakfast and I'd feel a sense of home. 

My heart felt complete, because it just felt nice to wake up and see someone so grounded and genuine. Someone so full of complete beauty to waltz around the kitchen barefoot and entirely filled with joy. 

It reminded me of the mornings I'd wake up and Jennifer would be getting ready in the bathroom, putting her makeup on or applying her skincare. I loved watching her, her entire being filled me with joy and I could've watched her for hours. 

Then when she died, the joy vanished. Except with my girls, they were my saving grace, my pure angels that kept me from completely vanishing into a hollow shell of myself. 

Then Daphne came along and that same joy, that same awe I had for Jennifer, now felt for Daphne. 

Of course the two are completely different, and I wouldn't compare the two. I've grown since her death and healed in a way where the thought of her memory brings a smile to my face and not a an aching twist to my heart. 

My heart is ready. Ready for someone new, new love, someone to spend alone time with, kiss, laugh with and walk through the rest of life with so I'm not entirely alone. 

Making my way downstairs and through the quiet house, I walk into the kitchen and towards the fridge. I pour myself a chilled glass of water and gulp it down in one go, without breathing a single breath. 

My throat is still dry and I feel my throat tickle as I let out a dry cough. Fuck, am I sick? 

God no, I can't get sick, not the fucking time. I'm sure I'm fine and my throat is a little dry, thats all it is, because I can not get sick, not right now when work is incredibly busy. As usual.