Balancing Act

9

"I think I'm just having an identity crisis of some sort," Celeste admitted. She had in fact tried writing, having tried to google self-help tips on her issues herself and read whatever she could find. Apparently this was not too uncommon for young mothers, but in her case the roots were much deeper. There was the absence of her family, however horrible, it was still an absence, her somewhat limited friendships, absent career and clear prospects - she had it all, and the idea of having it all but still not quite being able to enjoy it was making her even more frustrated and guilty, making her almost hate herself of ever telling Jess - seeing him worry pained her. He had enough to deal with, without worrying about her.

"Being a mother is a part of it - I wanted this for so long and now I have it, and I really do love it, but it feels like a filler you know. I keep myself occupied with her - buy her things, take her to playgroup, the park, sing to her, cook for her, it's like I do it not for her, but just to occupy my time so I wouldn't have time to think," Celeste explained. She still had plenty of time to think, as conversations with Evie were still rather limited, she lacked that intellectual distraction - and books and podcasts only helped so long.

"So what do you think would happen if you stopped to think?" Rory explored carefully.

"That I'd notice that without being a mother I'm really nothing anymore - I don't have a career, I don't even have any serious aspirations or thoughts of what I'd do workwise anymore, I don't really have any real hobbies that make me want to do more, and excersising doens't really count - that's just like brushing my teeth, it doesn't bring me the joy it used to. I don't really have that many people around me - they're all your's or Jess' or Logan's. Without you guys I'm just nothing - no family, no ties, no culture - nothing, nothing other than being a mother to identify me," she blurted, looking up, trying to keep her tears abay. She had of course known that cutting off her family would be hard, even if she didn't like them, but she really hadn't expected to hit her this late and in this form. She had no graspable history.

"You have culture - you're a hybrid," Rory added smilingly, trying to cheer her up a little, walking over her to give her a hug over her shoulder.

"And you know what they say about hybrids...," she joked through tears.

"Hey, I'm sorry that you feel like this, and if you want you can borrow my therapist, even take my time slot if you want," Rory suggested, knowing how Dr. Thompson was quite busy.

"Thank you for the offer, but that's the thing - that would mean I'd have to tell her all about my family crap and I really don't want to do that. I have trouble trusting people with these things as it is. I'll tell you if I need it but for now I think I'd just prefer to try to beat this without a professional," Celeste replied, sounding actually quite determined.

"And you have our support on whatever you need to do to get there. And I'm sorry I've been so busy myself, even if I'm not here, you know you can always text me right?" Rory suggested.

"Thanks," she replied, wiping her tears away with her sleeve.

"So, how about we go upstairs, get a laptop and try to put together of one of my famous lists?" Rory suggested.

"A list? A list of what?" Celeste inquired somewhat confusedly.

"Of all the things you can do. To try out, to see if any of them help. I'm your 'think outside the box' aid for the day," Rory said, having actually learned this technique in class to get students over a rough patch. Surely it couldn't hurt to try?

They trailed upstairs, the way upstairs having turned into an obstacle course of safety gates at either end of the stairs on all floors. Celeste stopped briefly at Evie's doorway, glancing over her peacefully sleeping form.