He is right here. Just opposite her. It's Sunday and they're sitting at the same cafe. The one he brought her to. They had cream puffs. And he told her all about his family. His life and just how depressed he felt. He told her he wasn't a nice person. That he saw in himself something that was gradually molding into someone. Someone like her sister's boyfriend. Someone who lacks life. And someone who lacks a personality in himself. A person incapable of loving. A person incapable of being loved. He told her that he hated himself. And he now tells her that for those who hate themselves, there is no kind of passion or no form of love that could ever change them. They're so stuck feeling the same thing, living the same situations on and on a loop, it becomes a nightmare. Which follows them through their entire lives. Haunting them at night and following them in daylight. Then everything becomes the same. Lifeless. Meaningless. Worthless. These kinds of people don't want to live anymore. And that was exactly what he was becoming.
Arisha begged him to stay and she begged him to let her try and make it better. He didn't listen. He didn't react. He didn't let her. He told her one last time about his nightmare. His sister's death. His parents blamed him for not informing them on time. He accused himself of her death. He hated himself. He could only feel pain and only live the same night on a loop. He felt lifeless, just after which he woke up.
He sheds a tear and so does Arisha. She cries longer than he does. And then he walks her home. Riya isn't here again. In this bit, she doesn't need to ask him if he wants to come along upstairs. He himself takes the lead and drops her by the door. They stand together, aloof towards the door. Arisha doesn't open it. He does it for her too. He then leads her in. She takes tight hold of his hand, seating him alongside her on the bed. Tushant does. He doesn't retort. How could he when these are the final and the only moments he gets with her?
They savor each second of it. Kissing and never breaking apart. None of them actually want to. His hands take gentle hold of her face, traveling up to feel the silk of her golden brown strands of hair. His fingers ring them around, calming in their warmth. Arisha gives in to him. She lets him give her whatever he's ready to. Their lips move along, not involving their tongue. His hands find their way down to her neck, followed by a swift move down to her waist. He pulls her close, the kiss transforming into a hug, foreheads touching. He could feel her warm breath fall over his neck. Tushant gave a little kiss on her nose. She darted him a smile and he leaned in. Looking right into her eyes, he could feel her closely. Her scent getting denser. Their gazes were still locked.
He leaned her on the headboard. The moment she looked perfect. Glorious. A slight silver of her stomach exposing. His index traced her shirt's hem, pushing it further up. He felt her soft skin, the faintest of it. Then he traced another line of slight touches with his thumb. Her hands fell to his shoulders, and they kissed again, never breaking eye contact.
"You are so beautiful" This made her giggle. He sensed her hands traveling down to his chest. One of them settled right across his beating heart and the other continued downwards. Tushant took in her right hand and placed a benevolent tender kiss. She reached up, holding onto him, and placed a trail of kisses across his jawline, up to his earlobe.
The moment was beautiful. And he could tell it was dragging him deeper into love. Deep down into her. There may not be any way out of it. Nothing could ever replace the tenderness of her lips or the soothing of her words or the pain of her tears. Nothing could ever replace her.
His body falls down to the bed, almost onto her. His neck leveled with her mouth. She shoots a shy smile at him. The sweetest smile he's ever witnessed, but soon it turns into despair. And his love deepens. Her shift of expression reminded him of her leaving. Reminding him that he's destined to forget about her. Suddenly, he doesn't seek peace anymore. He wants to touch her and feel her to the very inch of her beauty. He doesn't want to let her go before she gets into his memory properly enough to not forget for a lifetime.
His gentle touches take pace. Slipping his hand under her shirt, sliding it over her stomach. Pace doesn't affect the tenderness of his touch. But suddenly everything feels too rushed. He knows he might regret it later and there was no way he was taking another chance with her. He waits for her to lead. But suddenly, everything seems to shatter. She breaks into a sob. And Tushant considers himself accused. He hates himself again. Just like a nightmare. Did he hurt her? But the pain isn't really there in her eyes, instead, it belongs to his own chest. The underside of his eyes feels wet. He closes them once, snaps them tight and they open up to utter darkness. On a bed, wrapped in a sheet. He feels cold, losing the warmth of her in a trice. Arisha isn't here, she wasn't here at all.
Tushant knows it now. He has been crying and dreaming. He clutches his own chest tightly. Maybe to stop feeling at all. His face dips down into the bed, and he folds up his legs, bringing them closer to his torso, hugging himself. He inhales short breaths. Rubbing his eyes and sniffing. His fingers dampened with the moisture under his eyes. It hurts enough to make him want to not feel for her.
He is in love and this is the reality. He is in love and it's no dream. In love with a girl who is destined to never be his. It's unfair, unimaginable how much he's hurting. He breaks into a sob. Though short-lived, it was drenched in agony and pain. The worst nightmare he's ever had. A nightmare in a nightmare that shall follow him for a lifetime now. Tushant takes a huge breath between his short-lived tears and whispers to himself, "I love you way too much Arisha. I don't even know why? Or if I should, but I do" He then tells her, not using words, how he loves everything she brings along. Mostly the pain. It confirms that his heart still beats. And is scared to lose something he already lost other than himself.
He surely is afraid to lose his sister, but still, it's not completely because he loves her. It is because once she's lost, he would never be able to accept himself. Self-acceptance is half the part played by fear. But for Arisha, it's just for her. Yet, no matter what, she'll never know. Not in this life. Maybe he wouldn't even get to see her for the last time. This is pain. And it might be the most painful amount of it he has ever endured. To know something so necessary could've been done. But it was not. To know it is worse than not doing it.
YOU ARE READING
Unspoken feelings are unforgettable
Teen Fiction"Common it's not a big deal" He said with gritted teeth. "Remember last time you said that?" Arisha said, her nervousness clearly visible by her expression. "It will be okay, you will grow comfortable soon" "ya, I guess you are right" Arisha is a sh...
