The Soldier and The Spy: Jay Halstead- Episode 5

Chapter 9

Present Day

Jay was not a patient man.

He could be, had to be for the job but it wasn't in his nature.

When he was a kid he'd bounced off the walls he'd had so much energy but as he'd gotten older he'd learned to bury it, not always that well but enough that his teachers stopped sending him to the principals office every day. Well, most days. He'd always been a bit of a loner, the kind of student who wasn't afraid to talk back to his teachers if he thought they were wrong, or were being a dick, who preferred fighting his classmates to making friends with them, though that was probably because most of the kids at his school had also been dicks. But that was what happened when the poor kid got into the private school on a Church scholarship.

It hadn't been until he'd joined the military that he'd truly learned how to control himself, had it literally hammered into him but that still didn't make it easy. Waiting for an attack was one thing, and even then waiting to mount one was always easier than waiting for one to come but waiting for news? Good or bad he was pretty sure that counted as torture.

But sometimes it was worth it.

And watching Voight walk back into the bullpen, his shoulders straight and his mouth tight, eyes hard with frustration but heavy with remorse, with shame?

That had been worth it.

It wasn't that Jay wanted him to feel bad, he just... he wanted the respect Tess had spoken about. That she'd demanded for him. That he should have demanded for himself. It was one thing for his Sergeant to dismiss his contributions to their unit, which after five and a half years was bad enough but Jay wanted the respect that was due him for all his service. As a cop he may only be a detective but in the army he'd commanded more men than any of them, almost as many as were in their whole district for fucks sake and while the rest of his team hadn't known that Voight had. He'd known and he'd ignored it because this was his unit. And Jay didn't want to change that, regardless of what Voight had said after Kelton he didn't want to take it over, wasn't anywhere near ready for that, might not ever be but...

He wanted to try.

For the first time in a long time, the first time in twelve years he was ready to consider command again.

And maybe Voight could see that or maybe Tess had said something but after they'd caught him up he'd let him, asked him to decide their course of action. He hadn't even made a face when Jay suggested they call it for the night, everyone agreeing that with Ricky lying low there wasn't much they could do until the morning anyway; their best plan, according to him, was to try and catch him cashing in one of those favours, which was why he'd suggested they split up and each take a drop point, with patrol on hand for support. No one had raised any complaints, actually they'd all given him nods of support, even Hailey, though the pride in hers had made his chest tighten, and while he and Voight hadn't shared anything more than a long look he'd left work in a better mood than he had in weeks. Until he'd gotten home and the waiting game had started all over again. Tess had been gone, had been for a few hours now and just because he trusted her didn't mean it wasn't still torture waiting for her to return. At least he knew she was safe, by all reports Triad wasn't planning any retaliation, tonight anyway so she was likely just taking care of those women, though where she was doing that he didn't know.

Because he hadn't asked.

He hadn't asked about any of her other properties, about anything that didn't directly involve him but at least he finally understood why. He'd been scared.

Not of what he'd find, but what she might realize in showing him.

That she didn't actually want him in those parts of her life, or that even if she did she'd decide it was too dangerous and leave again anyway. And Jay didn't think those worries were going away anytime soon, for him or for her but he was done letting his fear dictate his actions.