The Soldier and The Spy: Jay Halstead- Episode 5

Chapter 6

Present Day

He was pissed.

He was pissed, Voight was pissed, everyone else was uncomfortable and all he wanted was to run after Tess and join her for whatever ass-kicking she had planned next but even as he imagined himself doing it he knew he wouldn't. Jay had had his chance to run after her, a few and even though sometimes he wished he could go back and take them he also knew this wasn't one of those times.

This time he needed to clean up his mess himself.

"My commander gave his life in an operation against the Taliban."

That was all it took for the anger on Voight's face to start to soften but while he let out a heavy breath he didn't say anything, like him understanding that this was another conversation that needed to be had. And that they had to stop pushing them off. Everyone else seemed to get it too because they all took a second to shift towards him, backs straight but faces impassive, giving him the space to tell his story but as he started he realized he wasn't doing this for them, or Tess or even himself.

He was doing it for the four brave men who deserved to be remembered.

Five.

"The same one Tess helped us with; the first. We raided the compound successfully, with several targets in custody, most of which we sent back with the guys on the ground but their leader..."

He could still see that fuckers face.

Still see his smile, hear his fucking laugh. Did Tess? Or had the new terrors she'd experienced overshadowed that early one?

More likely she remembered it all.

"We took him in the chopper with us. We checked him first, but not good enough. I still don't know how Mouse caught it but he'd hidden a small explosive on his-... We had less than thirty seconds by the time we found it and Chester, he was the first one out of his seat and he grabbed it and he just... Dove. And I- I'd been reckless enough and lucky enough that they chose me to take his place. I ran that platoon for the rest of my tour and when I went back for my third-"

"You said you only did two tours." Hailey said quietly and for the first time he hated something when he looked at her. He hated the understanding that filled her eyes when he explained.

He hated how much he loved it.

"I only completed two. A few months before my third tour was supposed to end we got word of an attack on a nearby village."

Jay gave himself a minute to remember the mania of that day, three other squads injured from a different op, tension with the Afghani officials over some bureaucratic bullshit and then that, not just another attack but one that was being spearheaded by the Taliban commander they'd spent the last year tracking. The need for urgency had been real and he accepted now that he'd done the best he could with the information he'd had.

Most of it.

"Mouse and I spent an hour arguing over which route to take until I finally called it. But I was wrong. Our truck was the first to hit the IE-"

Fuck.

He'd thought he was doing okay, everything was coming out clear and in the right order but his throat had been slowly getting thicker until finally he choked. Or maybe that was the phantom smell of copper and oil and the accompanying nausea that had his stomach rolling, just like the truck had rolled, nothing but sky and trees and rocks and a warm hand on his back.

She didn't even need to be here and Tess could still calm him.

Part of him wished she was, it was a lot more comfortable being vulnerable with her than it was any of his teammates, never mind all of them but there was something kind of... nice about it too. Camaraderie behind the line was one thing but he knew how deep those bonds could get, which was probably why he'd been so scared to open up.