OPAL
It's only Tuesday. I feel like I've been doing everything for a whole other week, like it should be the weekend again by now. I've lived through enough days, haven't I? But it's only Tuesday. Everything is too heavy and it's only fucking Tuesday.
I consider ditching school, a thought weaved entirely at two in the morning, but I know I can't. I know I can't disappoint my parents because they already hate me enough as it is, and the last thing I need is that added weight upon my chest.
I get next to no sleep, and I forgo breakfast too. I honestly feel like any food would come right back up, reminding me just how sick sick sick I am.
My earbuds in my ears again as I ride to school, I think of where I will disappear to at lunch so as to not have to interact with anyone. I can't interact today; I just can't do it.
Life, unfortunately, has other plans. I barely make it three steps into the school when my plan is spoiled.
"Hey!" There's a cheerful voice, cutting into all my pain. I wish that could make me feel better.
Liv rushes up to me, an awkward smile balanced on her lips. It almost looks like a precise motion that she practiced in the mirror, and I think about teasing her about it, but all words vacate my brain within seconds.
"Sorry, I gotta get to class." I jut my thumb in the opposite direction.
"Oh. Okay. See you later?"
I shrug, a rather noncommittal response on my part, and then rush off. I feel a little bad about ditching her, Liv's eyes burning holes into my back as I go, but mostly I just hope she doesn't choose this moment to be able to glimpse into my mind.
She wouldn't want to see that part of me right now, the turmoil but yet the emptiness. A juxtaposition; the eye of the storm.
The hallway is bustling with students, laughter and conversations rolling off lips, and the only thing I want to do is disappear into the ground. At some point, a kid bumps into me and I resist the urge to yell, flip him some obscene gesture. I resist the urge to nearly burst into tears right on the spot.
My teachers let me keep my earbuds in, knowing it helps me concentrate. Today it's actually just helping me escape, but they don't need to know that part. That can just be my little secret.
Finally, the lunch bell rings. Finally, I can find a few minutes of solitude.
I run out of the classroom and end up in the library within what feels like seconds, sitting in between two of the rows closest to the back. I hold a book open on my lap but honestly, I don't think I'll be able to read it right now, hands shaking and lump forming in my throat.
Goddamnit, don't cry at school, Opal.
Don't cry at school, Opal. Don't cry; but the pack of cigarettes Liv gave me sits unopened in my backpack; homework assignments sit untouched, littered with eraser marks and mistakes; the music on my playlist has switched away from rock and towards indie, each song subdued. The first tear rolls down my face and I hastily wipe it away.
Luckily, no more follow. But I feel them there still, lurking behind my eyes. Waiting.
"Oh shit," a kid walks around the shelves, jumping at the sight of me. Quickly, he regains himself. "Sorry."
"It's my bad. Am I in your way?" The words sound so far away I think they must not even be coming from my mouth at all. That's not my voice, it can't be.
"No, no. You're all good." The boy clears his throat. "Um, are you okay?"
"Yeah. All good!" This voice sounds fake, even to me.
"You sure?" This interaction isn't bothering me as much as I suspected it would. I don't feel like I'm being rubbed against a cheese grater, being torn to shreds. No, I just feel rather indifferent. Which might not sound good, but it is.
"Not really. But it's okay."
He nods like he understands that more than anyone else in the world. Hell, maybe he does.
"Well, do you want some company?" He gestures to the spot on the floor next to me. For a brief second, I allow myself to think there's good left in the world. I think of Liv. I think that not every person will be like my parents. And then I fade back into the anger.
"No, thank you. I'd prefer the solitary right now, the silence."
"Fair. I'll leave you to it, then." Just as soon as he appeared, he has disappeared.
I'm alone, again. And that's all my fault, no matter how much I try to deny it. People offer to be there, buy cigarettes they don't want and say hey to me in the hallways, and I'm always in the middle of something else, barely able to stay upright let alone open my mouth and let the words out.
The lump returns to my throat.
It's only fucking Tuesday.
••••
"Hey. Hey, hey, hey!" There's a tap on my shoulder. I jerk away from the action and look to catch a glimpse of the perpetrator. "You okay?"
Liv. It's just Liv. You know Liv, so everything is okay. But everything doesn't feel okay.
My breathing is getting caught in my throat now, jagged, torn at the edges.
The last time this happened, my parents had yelled at me about my grades and then took away my skateboard until I worked to improve them. Except I never got that board back because my dad broke it clean in two— he insisted it was an accident, they both did, but boards don't break like that on accident.
Now, Liv is staring into my eyes, concern painted in the shades of blue within her own ocean eyes.
"Opal? Are you okay?"
Words, words, words. There's too many of them. Within my brain, there's a tornado, and I can't pick out the cohesive words. So I don't.
I'm descending into the negative far too fast, so I focus all my energy into figuring out how to slam on the brakes. Like a train going off the rails, the brakes must be broken or missing because the darkness looms closer and closer. My internal sirens blare.
"Opal?" Liv grabs my hands, steadying me.
The world quiets when I look into Liv's eyes again, and that's when the dam breaks, practically shatters into a million pieces, and so the tears are just about immediate. My shoulders shake as I unravel into the abyss. Somewhere in the back of my brain I remember that I'm in the school parking lot, that everyone must be staring, that my air of mystery is being replaced with the mental image of me crying. Even then, I don't care.
A pair of arms wrap around my shoulders, and she's talking but all the words blur.
Soon, I find I'm sitting in the passenger seat of a car, and I think I hear Nirvana playing low on the radio. I'm blinking through tears and Liv is staring at me out of the corner of her eye, asking if I want to go home or if I want to go to her house.
"Please don't take me home," I breathe out. Please don't take me home because I can't handle being near my parents when I feel like this, I mean.
"Okay."
Liv turns the music up. What a way to finish a Tuesday.
YOU ARE READING
memento mori
Teen Fiction"remember you'll die," she whispered before taking a drag of her cigarette. at least, i thought, in the end i'll die by your side. •••• after bumping into each other at a party or two, opal and liv - despite al...
