✅ My Sister's Problem

89. Pretty Colours

It took me a few minutes to notice that the spiral on the screen in front of me wasn't just pink and purple. There were bits of teal in there as well, and gold highlights. And although it first looked like a spiral of smoke, I came to realise that there were all kinds of different effects in there as well. As I watched it going around and around, there was a voice talking to me, calmly and patiently like a kid's first teacher. Not demanding, but encouraging me to listen and to be a good girl. It talked about how a small child might only have space in her head for one thought at a time, and didn't need to bother about so many complex decisions. And how a kid could focus on a swirling spiral, like coloured pieces on a mobile spinning above their crib, and not think about anything else. Just like it asked, I tried to imagine that.

I'd probably been listening for ten minutes before I realised that there was a second voice as well. A chorus of whispers, just on the edge of hearing. I noticed the words 'good baby', and only then started paying attention to what the other voice was saying. I had to really concentrate to try and make it out, behind a rich tapestry of sounds that included a child's laughter, breathing noises, and the gentle plink-plonk of a music box lullaby. And, of course, the main voice which was still asking me to imagine being a good baby lying back in her crib, watching the mobile as the little details spiralled around and around.

Before too long I was focused on the whispers, and had gotten used to the sounds enough that I could just about understand what it was saying. It was like a parade of questions; asking me if I was feeling good, and if I wanted to impress Mommy. I found myself nodding after each question, because they were all so easy to answer correctly. It felt like the kind of directions that should have been hard, like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time, especially when the whispers were asking me to nod at the same time I was slowly breathing in and out for the other voice. But it was so easy that I didn't even need to think about it. And at some point, I realised that I hadn't actually paid attention, and I didn't know what the last question had been. But the answer must have been yes, because I was nodding automatically. Just agreeing with Mommy like a good girl, and I could feel proud of myself for that.

At some point one of the voices was asking me to play Simon Says, but in this case it was Mommy Says. I breathed in and held it, and breathed out and held it. I raised my hands one by one, and then together. And the more I played, the easier it was to imagine myself as a little toddler standing in the middle of the nursery, following all of those instructions. The rules were very simple, and I could easily follow it, even if I got distracted by one of the voices and wasn't fully paying attention to the other. We just had to do whatever the voices said, every time they asked us to do something for Mommy. But maybe that was a little hard for a baby as young as me; because I found myself playing along and doing what they said whether the special words were there or not. But that was okay; babies didn't need to understand complex things, and I could see out of the corner of my eye that the other baby I imagined in my nursery was doing just the same thing.

After the nursery, we went to so many different places. To a fairground, to ride the carousel; and as that daydream filled my mind, shifting horse shapes might have appeared in the smoky spiral on the screen. And there was a party as well, trying fancy food, and dancing and then relaxing on the beach. And then back to the nursery to get my diaper changed, because of course a baby didn't know how to stay dry. I giggled at that, imagining the warmth spreading around my bum just as easily as any of the other things that Mommy's voice was telling me to see. And then the voice was counting up, encouraging me to remember my numbers like a big girl. At first it was hard, because there are a lot of numbers to remember. But by the time we reached six, I'd gotten into the swing of things, and called out each number with glee, so proud of being able to remember. And it felt like the more numbers I said, the more grown-up I felt, until I could imagine that I was almost a big girl just as easily as I had imagined the food at the party, or the swirly dizziness of dancing in a pretty dress.

I counted "Eight!" and felt so proud of myself. This time I didn't even need the hint of another voice starting to say the word first. I knew it, and I was a big girl who could count. I even knew the next number too, and I rushed to prove I knew it before Mommy or Lindy said it.

"Nine!" I said, and turned to look at my sister. She was still sitting beside me, watching me as I played. And she seemed so proud of me this once, with a big smile on her face. It was nice to see that we were both happy again, and I wondered if we could play together now.

"Ten!" we said together, and then the chaotic colours on the TV screen started to fade to black. That made me a little sad; they'd been so pretty and cheerful, and I didn't think I'd even seen all the little cute pictures hiding in the details of the smoke. But I knew I would have a chance to watch it again later, and I knew that I would enjoy it even more next time.

"Good girl," Lindy said, and reached over to brush a stray piece of hair away from my eyes so that she could see me properly. I just laughed, my head too foggy to remember right now that this was supposed to be a punishment. But then everything started to come back, and I realised that the haze in my head had just come from words and pictures; it was amazing how different it could make me feel. It was still easy to imagine myself like a little kid, and I realised that my mental picture of the scene had me looking up at Lindy, like I was three years old or something. I knew that I was a little taller than her in reality, but I still felt like I was looking up.

"Good kitty!" I said, as I glanced at my reflection in the now-dark TV screen, and saw a pair of pink headphones with plastic ears on top, making me look something like the cat girls I'd seen in so many cartoons. As I took them off, I realised that the ears on these ones were little speakers, which must have been how Lindy was able to hear well enough to help me count at the end of the video. I thought that was pretty convenient, and wondered why they didn't do that with all headphones. It would make them cuter, too, which had to be a plus. It took me a couple of minutes thinking before I realised what was wrong with the idea, and then I laughed a bit more at how childish I was suddenly being. If I kept on feeling like this, I was sure that my family would have no difficulty talking down to me and humiliating me.

As I thought about that, I moved forward on my seat and started to get up. I slowly edged forward, preparing to jump down to the ground as if my legs weren't quite long enough to reach; and that reinforced the feeling that I was just a little kid, trusting everyone around me and eager to play. The movement focused my attention on my diaper again; swollen more than I'd ever felt it before, and pressing hard against me between my legs. I rocked forward slightly to increase the pressure, exploring the feelings as I moved against it. It was hot as well, so I knew I must have wet while I was watching the spirals. But somehow that didn't embarrass me. I was just a little baby, and that was what the diaper was there for. But I knew I would have to tell Mommy sooner or later, so that she would change me before the diaper began to leak.

"How do you feel, baby?" Lindy asked, and I tried to think how to answer her.

"Goo' girl!" I said, amazed by how hard it was to come up with even the simplest words. It felt like my head was filled with pink fog. Everything around me was funny, and everything was fun. I had all my grown-up thoughts back now, or it felt like it as far as I could tell, but my emotional reactions were just like a little kid, overjoyed about everything. And when I was deciding what to do, the childish impulses were my first response. Talking like a big girl or getting mad at Lindy would take a real effort, if I even wanted to. But after a little pause, I remembered there was something important I needed to say: "I did a wee! Soggy bum!"

"Aww, you did, didn't you?" Lindy smirked. "Good to see you admit what a baby you are. I didn't pee at all, not even a little bit. And you know why? That's because I'm a big girl. I'm bigger than you, and smarter, and better. And now I'm the big sister, you gotta do everything I say. Anything at all! How do you like that?"

"Yaaay!" I cheered. "Big sissy. I gotta changies?" I didn't even realise how childish the words sounded until they were already out of my mouth, but they only served to remind me what a baby I was.

"Maybe," she said. "I think we need a grown-up to change you. And she's going to be so proud of what a good baby you are!"

Author's note: Sorry if there are any errors in this part; I finished it while the house around me was full of an unprecedented number of people making sure that Mum's wedding would go smoothly.
It did, we had a great day, and everybody is happy. I hope you're all happy with my words too.