Perfectly broken

Part 15

Hot tears spilled down his cheeks as he shakily stood up and washed off his hands and face. He didn't look up in the mirror, knowing how much the sight would pain him. Instead he flushed out the toilet and sat back down on the floor. He angrily threw off his sweater, feeling the chill on his body, now exposed to the air. He let his fingers stroke over the cuts on his upper arms and sides. They were ugly and shameful and yet he craved more. They were the reason he couldn't take of his sweater when sleeping with his boyfriend and tensed up when his hands wandered on his body, and yet he kept doing it.

He scrambled to find the razorblade he had hid behind spare soaps and held on to it with shaking fingers. He placed it with practised grip on the pale skin just above his hip. First the line turned a white even paler than the skin, then the scarlet red began to appear in tiny drops, slowly connecting and turning into tears of blood.

Felix had to grasp his mouth with one hand to not scream out in frustration. It didn't help. The pain inside of him still stronger than the one he had inflicted on his body.

He cut deeper the third time, making blood dripple instantly. It wasn't enough!

Felix threw the blade away and stood up. He pulled his hair, stomping the ground like a child having a tantrum. He wanted to get punished for his weakness. He wanted to ruin himself for not being good enough and he wanted pain. He wanted someone to hurt him and destroy him.

His hands fell down at his sides as he realized that he had someone to do that. He had someone who not only would do it, but found pleasure in it as well.

Felix quickly looked into the mirror to make sure he didn't look as broken as he felt. He tried combing back his blond hair and put water in his face to get rid of the tears and puffy eyes before hastily brushing his teeth. He had to concentrate so not new ones came as he dried away the blood that coloured his sides and upper thigs. Lastly he put his sweater back on and made sure that the bathroom looked like it had done before entering.

Felix opened the door and almost ran directly into Chan who quickly took a hold in him to make sure he didn't fall.

"I was just looking for you" he said surprised, patting him softly before releasing him. "-do you wanna watch a movie?"

"No" Felix answered directly already walking past him. "I need to find Hyunjin."

"Oh okay" Chan answered confused. "-he's half asleep on the couch. Is it something I can help with?"

Felix looked over his shoulder, not caring about anything but what he needed. Perhaps Hyunjin had been right when he called him selfish.

"Not unless you want to fuck me" he said.

Chan's face instantly turned red and he chuckled nervously. "No, not really..."

Felix didn't answer. He felt so bad and he just needed Hyunjin to break him, now. He needed him, or else he was sure he would just combust from the sadness that tore at his insides.

He left Chan in the hallway and continued into the living room where Han and Changbin was acting out something in very loud voices meanwhile I.N. and Seungmin was discussing which movie to watch. Hyunjin lay on the couch with a pillow over his head, clearly trying to block out the noise.

Felix sat down on the floor besides his head and kissed his arm softly. Hyunjin lifted the pillow and meet his gaze with tired eyes. A soft smile curled his lips and he reached down to pull Felix closer, but the younger shook his head.

"I need you" he whispered, instantly making Hyunjin's brows furrow in worry.

He sat up and rubbed the sleepiness from his eyes. "You wanna come up here and cuddle?" he asked, padding the couch.