A Place Of My Own

September 11, 2001

Can we just take a moment to remember the day that America changed?

I always have a really hard time on the anniversary of 9/11. I was in my Sophmore year of high school. I was in my current events class where we would usually watch the first 30 minutes of the news and then talked about it and tried to see both sides of what was being reported.

The regular news immediately jumped to BREAKING NEWS and for the rest of class we were watching what was unfolding in front of everyone's eyes.

The bell rung and the we were to report to homeroom. We had extended homeroom, where a guidance counselor came to check in on the students. Some students wanted to discuss what was happening, others didn't.

When homeroom was finally over, my next class so happened to be History. Guess what the history teacher decided to do that day? Watch the news. It was around 11am when President Bush came on to address the nation.

I had shut down my emotions. I couldn't think about one of my best mentors that recently moved to NYC and was working in one of the trade centers and the possibility that I would never talk to her or see her again. I kept my emotions pushed down.

As the bell rang, I gathered my things to go to Español (Spanish), I knew Senorita White would NOT allow a television to be on during her class so I didn't have to worry about watching the repeated videos of the planes hitting the towers and the towers crumbling down. To my disbelief, my history teacher, allowed everyone to go, but then shut the door and blocked me from leaving. My first thought was, what the hell (that wasn't the first word, but keeping it PG for now, I'll just say that was what it was). She blocked me and said, "I heard you didn't take the opportunity to talk with the guidance counselors during homeroom, would you like me to  one for you now?" I wanted to lose my crap on her but considering I already was kinda sporting a sore bottom from the night before, I kept my anger in check and politely declined and asked her to please move out of my way so I could get to my next class.

Ms. Chickenosky was just as stubborn as I was (still am) and refused to allow me to leave the room. Her next question was "how are you feeling about all of this?" I wanted to say some sarcastic comment but I didn't. Simply said "I want to go to my next class. As President Bush stated, we should all continue our daily routine for now. So please move out of my way."

This teacher I swear, she was either just wanting to piss me off or something but didn't budge and asked me again about my feelings.

"I'm going to count to three and if you don't move, I'm going to pick you up and move you myself so I can go to class." She still remained and asked me again about my stupid feelings. The late bell rang and I was now tardy for class and I was pissed. I counted fast "1 2 3" and the. I picked her up, moved her aside and walked out and to my Spanish class. When I got there the class was debating about watching the news and senorita White said for the students that want to watch it, she would give them the last 15 minutes of class, the students who didn't could leave early. We were in the middle of our lesson when the vice principal walks in and comes walking up to me. I know why. I physically moved a teacher. She leans down "Did you physically move Ms. Chickenosky?" She asked. I couldn't tell if she was mad, surprised, or what.

I answered truthfully "yes ma'am, she wouldn't move, I gave her fair warning what I was going to do before I did it and I followed through" I said matter of factly.

The vice principal looked at me and then gave a brief nod of her head and stood back up turned around and told senorita White "Sorry for the interruption, have a good class." I didn't know if I was to follow her or not, so I just stayed seated. She left and class continued. I thought for sure I would have gotten paddled for that but I never did.

The rest of the day, I kept my feeling stuffed down. The only class that the teacher refused to put the news on was Phys/Chem. I hated that teacher and I hated that class but on this particular day, I was thankful.

I volunteered on the special Ed bus. Helping the students get on and off and keeping them in their seats while on the bus so I was dismissed 20 minutes early every day. I walked to the bus and was thankful that since there was autistic students on the bus, the radio couldn't be on, since it would stimulate them too much with so much else going on around them. So for the next hour, I didn't hear about the news.

When I finally got home, my brother's were all crowded in the den watching the stupid news as my dad met me at the door. I was going to lose my shit if he asked me about my feelings.

I don't know what it was though, I saw him. I immediately allowed my emotions to come to the surface and the next thing I know I'm sobbing in his arms. He is rubbing my back and rocking me back and forth. Then I hear someone come behind me and put their arms around me and then it was two more set of arms and as a family we all broke down together.

Dad had grounded me from the phone the night before but I just had to know if anyone had heard from Jill. Did anyone know if she was okay? Dad allowed me to call her husband. He told me that they were still searching and would let me know. I knew once I hadn't heard from him for 3 days, the outcome wasn't good. On the 4th day, he called me and said her body was found covering two children that also died. That was who Jill was. She sacrificed herself for anyone and everyone. For almost a year I shut down my emotions after that. I built a wall and vowed I wouldn't let anyone break it down. To never allow someone to get that close to me again.

We are now 21 years later and I admit, I still have part of that wall. Still part of that wall that I don't think anyone could ever break. I have secrets behind that wall that I built also and although, I may have been able to break the wall and allow people to get closer to me, I still keep the wall up to protect me from everything.

I didn't get in trouble for physically moving my history teacher, the vice principal actually thought it was comical and when dad found out that it happened, he said he couldn't blame me for what I did. She was blocking my only exit.

I don't think I'll ever forget where I was when 9/11 hit. I don't think I will ever forget the immediate feeling of needing to stuff my emotions down until I was safe in my dad's arms.

Authors note: There are other things throughout that day I remember, but the main things I shared here. I once again hope I didn't trigger any of you. Please reach out to someone if you are struggling with anything...
Thank you for reading!