A Place Of My Own

When Thoughts Keep Me Awake

I lay awake knowing everyone else is asleep and happily dreaming of unicorns and rainbows. Okay, granted maybe Tyler isn't dreaming of unicorns and rainbows but at least he is softly snoring beside me as I lay awake unable to close my eyes to fall asleep.

Some may say that if I stopped using electronics before bed that would help, or if I take a nice hot shower and get into comfy clothes, everyone has different suggestions on how I could possibly get to sleep and get the sleep my body needs. However, they don't understand I have tried all those things and yet here we are. I'm still awake and I don't know if I'll be sleeping tonight.

As I finally drift off, at 1:30 knowing the kids will be awake by 6:00/6:30 at the latest, I almost will myself to stay awake. What will 4.5 hours actually do?

Before I know it, I'm in that state of being asleep but being awake, you know that state? You know you're awake but you can't get your body to register it? I start to fade more and more into unconsciousness and the next thing I know I'm being woken up with a finger in my face and little giggles. It's only 5:30! Ugh! I tell the child, my obnoxious 5 year old to go back to her room. Or get in bed between daddy and I and sleep for a little while longer.

That's night one...

The next night, I'm not sleeping next to Tyler and he isn't sleeping because he is on shift. I have all 5 kids and Christopher has a nightmare. Nightmares for Christopher happen often. Unfortunately, on this night he woke all 4 other kids. Johnathan decides to continue sleeping in the guest room but 4 kids come sleep with me in Tyler and my bed. As much as I want to decline them and make them go back to their own beds, I remember being their age and having to go back to my bed after nightmares or just feeling lonely and know I don't want to inflict that pain onto them. So it is now 2 in the morning and I am awake and just watching the kids sleep. Annabelle trying to do gymnastics in her sleep, Katrina kicking Christopher, Joshua attempting to put his thumb in his mouth as I gently guide it out and put his hand by his side. I just lay here watching them. Yup, it's another night of thinking, wondering why? Why isn't life simpler? I get no sleep this night.

That's night two

The next night I try to go to bed early because Tyler is home and can get the kids to bed tonight. I take my medication bring my service dog out and come up to bed. I put Buddy to work doing a deep pressure therapy task and it relaxes me and before I know what is happening I am dozing. However, I'm only sleeping for about an hour or two before I'm awaken with quickened thoughts of how my social security is getting cut and wondering how we are going to get all the bills paid this month along with putting food on the table for both families. Thoughts consume my mind for the rest of the night.

That's night three.

I'm laying awake when Tyler comes to bed and he wants to talk about his day. It makes me smile that he is now at a job that he feels comfortable being at. He tells me about a call he had to go to and how it reminded him of me when I get into my depressive episodes. He tells me he loves me and cuddles me into his side. As he falls asleep and I lay awake wondering how many times have I burdened him with my depression. How many times have I burdened my family? My friends? Once again, I get no sleep.

Thats night four.

Finally on night five, I get to go to bed early and I do fall asleep but only because I have had low Blood pressure all damn day and I have a migraine. I wake up at 3am and I lay awake. Thoughts coming to my mind of what a failure I was for having to abandoned my family last night because I didn't feel good. I get up and check on the kids, finding them tucked in comfortably in their beds. Once again, probably dreaming on unicorns and rainbows. I make my way back to the bedroom and climb into bed, Tyler shifts and then immediately goes back to sleep. I lay awake thinking the rest of the night.

That's night five.

Tyler is working tonight and once again, I have all 5 kids. Tonight, they decide where they are sleeping and everyone falls asleep. I go into my room and try as I may to fall asleep, I lay awake and before I know it it's 4am. I was thinking of random things the entire time.

That's night six.

I crash this night with knowing that because the hives and my rash is back, I'm going to be on prednisone for the next 18 days starting tomorrow. Prednisone always makes my body do stupid shit. From being snappy, to being awake all night, to crying for no other reason than the mixing bowl is on the top shelve and I can't reach it. I sleep from 8pm until 5am the next morning

That's the seventh night.

The first night on prednisone and I lay down at 11:30 when Tyler comes home. We have Joshua in bed with us because he wouldn't tell me where he wanted to sleep, so I made the decision for him. Tyler maneuvers around Joshua and get in bed and I get in. Thankful that Joshua is in bed, I lower my phone brightness so it looks no more than a night light and I start reading stories on Wattpad. Next thing I know is 3:12am and my phone is about to die.  I have to plug it in, which means it needs to be further away from me to do so.  I fall asleep around 3:30 and wake up at 6am.

That was last night. Tonight, currently it is 10:30, and Tyler is home doing the last perimeter check and I'm in bed waiting. Writing. Wondering. Am I going to sleep tonight?

So many thoughts consume my mind when I try to sleep, when I am asleep I'm awoken by those thoughts, is it an endless battle of thoughts? Does it end? I'm tired, I just want sleep. I want to feel rested, I want to feel safe and not have to worry that something is going to happen if I fall asleep.

I keep wondering about that place... the place I can go to feel safe. To keep out all the unwanted thoughts and feelings and memories and people I don't want there. Maybe it's a dream, maybe it's a daydream that can come true someday?

Authors note:

I really hope I'm not triggering anyone by writing the things I am writing. I need an outlet and here I am writing it on here. Why? Who knows. Is it because of the validation that I get from each and everyone of you that read this? Maybe... but it's also just an outlet for me. I do want to say, if your struggling with mental illness, first it's not your fault and don't make anyone make you feel like it is. Second, just because Noone can physically see mental illness and to them it looks like you may just be slacking, being lazy, being dramatic, it doesn't dismiss what you are going through. They wouldn't dismiss or judge someone having a heart attack, or a silent stroke, they shouldn't ignore of judge you either. And lastly, if you are struggling please reach out to your local mental health agency crisis lines. You don't have to struggle alone.