A Place Of My Own

Trauma

*WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER: Mention if sexual assault and physical assault. I have put a warning before it starts and after. Please please skip if this is too much of a trigger for you and always reach out if you need someone to talk to*

Trauma 

Once again I'm awaken with nightmares. However, as much as I wish they were just nightmares and none of what I dreamt about actually happened, the truth is, it did. And for the longest time, I wasn't believed, wasn't believed by my mom, my dad, my brothers, my half siblings, therapists, police officers (that weren't my dad), teachers… nobody. The people who were supposed to protect me? Told me I couldn't make up lies to get people in trouble. 

*TRAUMA WARNING*

When my mom and dad got divorced. My mom remarried a real asshole. My step brother started getting in bed with me. At first I thought it was a little weird since I didn't know him as well as my older brothers but as he had pointed out I sometimes slept with Matt or Dave, especially if I was sick or something. After awhile, he started getting more… hands on and I told him to stop as I smacked his hands away. I felt uncomfortable. I guess he didn't like that because he went and told my step dad that I hit him and my step dad came down with a belt in hand. 

When dad picked me up I told him what happened and he told me I couldn't make up lies just to not get in trouble. Trouble with mom equaled trouble at dad's. The next weekend, I just allowed my step brother to do what he wanted. I didn't want the trouble. When dad picked me up I told him what happened and again, even though I wasn't in trouble this time he said I couldn't make up lies like that. I went to school and told my guidance counselor, he said the same thing, went and told my Dad's partner. He told me I could get arrested for false reporting. I told my therapist, she said what everyone else had said. So finally I just stopped. It didn't stop my step brother though and until my dad finally for some reason made me stop going to my mom's, he did things to me.

My mom's husband was cruel too. His "spankings" weren't spankings. In attempt to "teach me a lesson" he threw me down the stairs. I would go home from moms looking like I was in a boxing match. I think dad finally caught on or something because one day he told me I would no longer be seeing my mother. I have to admit, the only downside to that it meant I couldn't keep an eye on and protect my half sister….

When my half sister turned 18, and I was 22, she disclosed the fact that our step brother did the same to her. And I'm not joking, I had the school counselor, my ex therapist, my dad, and my dad's ex partner all saying "oh my God, Britt was telling the truth all of those years ago!" They not once questioned my half sisters proclamation. They just accepted it as fact. When they questioned my step brother, he said me and him were "experimenting" and that nothing happened with our sister. Why admit what you did to me but not what you did to the other victim? Then it dawned on me. He admitted what he did to me because the statue of limitations was up for me but not for what he did to our sister yet. He was saving his own ass. If they believed me back when I told then what he was doing to me, things would probably not have happened to my half sister. 

*TRAUMA WARNING OVER*

As I'm regaining my surroundings, and get my breathing back under control, I pick up the phone and realize it's only 1:30 in the morning. As much as I try I can't fall back to sleep. The negative thoughts make their unwelcomed presence in my mind and I lay awake crying, wondering what I did to deserve all the shit that has happened to me.