A Reason To Go On

Chapter 20

"Where first girls?" Casey says excitedly, its the first time Ive been to the mall since Christmas, so i try to maintain Casey's excitement so i don't spoil our day out. "I'm not bothered as long as we all get something nice to wear" Hope injects, "I'm easy" Leigh says, Casey and i look at each other and burst out giggling, Leigh and Hope are looking confused by our outburst, "Don't let.....my.....brother.....hear....you...say......that.....Leigh" I'm manage to gasp out, when she finally realizes why we are laughing i feel a slap on my arm "That is not what i meant, I'm not a whore" she says offended. I straighten up when i see her upset face, sometimes i forget people don't always understand Casey's and i's humour, and to be honest being around other girls, is still new to me, its always just been me and Casey. "I'm sorry Leigh, we were only joking" i say sincerely, she accepts my apology and we head into the first clothing store we see, trying to find the 'perfect' outfits for tonight. After we've all found dresses Hope decides we need new shoes, we are about to enter the shoe store when Ryder starts fussing. "I'm going to head down to the food court and feed Ryder, ill meet you guys down there" i inform them all. "We'll come with you" Casey says. "No its ok, find the shoes and then meet me there, you've all seen my dress so pick me up some shoes to match my dress too, size 6 please" i inform them. They all look at me unsure on what to do, but i need to learn to go places on my own, even if its just to the food court while i wait for them. "Come on guys ill be fine, you know what Dr Edwards said about coddling me" they reluctantly agree and i head of to the food court.

Im sitting at a table feeding Ryder his bottle waiting for the girls to come back when someone sits in the seat opposite me. I look up and I'm surprised to see Jackson sitting there, Ive not seen him since the News Years Eve Party, although i know he knows about Jayden i now, i just don't know what he wants. "Hello Alexia, i thought i recognized you when you sat down, i just wanted to know how your doing?" his question shocks me a little, Ive never really spoken to him before so why does he care how I'm doing? he must have seen something on my face because he rushes on "I know we don't know each other, but i just want you to know i don't agree with what Jayden did to you, it was wrong and i honestly cant believe he would do that, i just wanted to tell you that" . I sit there quickly thinking about what to say, Jayden told me that Jackson is currently not talking to him because of me and i cant help feeling guilty that Ive caused the rift between them. "Jackson thank you for your concern, Jayden and i have been working together so we can bring up Ryder together, but i want you to know that i have forgiven him, and i think you should too". Wow i sound like Dr Edwards, maybe i should reduce my session so i don't turn in to her? But in all seriousness i just want them to be friends again, Ive got Casey and now Hope and Leigh, i know Jayden doesn't see many of his friends anymore, because he doesn't have enough time with looking after Ryder. "How did you forgive him? I thought out of everyone you would hate him the most because of what he did to you?" he questions. "I did hate him Jackson, i hated him more than you will ever know" i tell him honestly "but they came a point when i had to let go of that hate, it was making me sick and stopped me from seeing whats the most important thing" i tell him. "And what would that be?" i look down at my son "I'm holding him Jackson, Ryder is the most important thing in the world to me, as much as Jayden did wrong to me, without any of that happening Ryder would never have been born". He looks complex with my answer and i notice him slumping slightly in his chair thinking of a reply. We sit in silence for a few minutes until i can no longer take it "Jayden has been a fantastic dad to Ryder, he might have been a terrible mate but hes been taking care of Ryder when i cant. What he really needs right now is a friend, his life has changed dramatically too". After finally getting him to agree to speak to Jayden i allow him to hold Ryder, apparently at the pack meeting to introduce Ryder he never got the chance to hold him, and as hes not seen Jayden since hes only seen Ryder the one time briefly. Watching Jackson holding Ryder actually made me smile, he looked so uncomfortable at first and kept thinking he was going to drop him. I'm feeling hopeful that Jackson and Jayden will work it out, and then Ryder will gain another amazing uncle.

After getting home from the mall i put Ryder down for him nap and started getting ready for the party with the girls, Jayden has called several times today to make sure Ryder is alright, at first i was feeling offended that he would not trust me with our son, and after the fourth call i told him just that. He quickly told me that its not that he doestn trust me, he just misses Ryder, as hes used to seeing him most the day, and hes trying to adjust. He even had me put the phone to Ryders ear on one of his calls so he could talk to him. I found it really sweet, although Ryder just looked at me as if to say 'what the hell?'. I not sure what Jayden needed to 'speak' to Ryder about, i mean hes only 10 weeks old its not like he can talk back yet, but Jayden seemed appeased by this so i didn't question it. I finish getting Ryder dressed, i bought him a cute top earlier that says 'mummy and daddy love me', i just couldn't resist. Hes also got on some cute jeans and some baby converse. Looking down at him i still cant believe how much he looks like his daddy, i mean couldn't he have got something from me? If Jayden and i were proper mates i might think that the next baby might take after me, but i stop that thought quickly knowing the best we can hope for is being friends.

"There he is" my mum squeals, followed by a lot of awwwwww noises, i look up and notice most of the girls and ladies from the pack squeezed into my lounge. "I saved you a seat" Casey quickly informs me patting the spot next to her. Sitting down I'm immediately swamped by different people trying to give me gifts and asking to hold the baby. I'm not going to lie it was really overwhelming, if i would have been the girl i was before i would have shrunk back and tried to disappear under all the attention, but i made a promise to myself and Ryder that i would never be that girl again. In my therapy sessions we've been working on my shyness and confidence issues, I'm no longer hiding behind my hair and even though I'm still not comfortable in my own body yet, i cant help but think that i will be happier eventually. So far Ive been given everything from clothing, to blankets and toys. Ive received that much I'm worried he wont get a chance to use half of it, between my family and Jayden's hes already spoilt, but i gracefully thank everyone anyway not wanting to be ungrateful and hurt any ones feelings.

I leave Ryder with mum and the other people that are still here so i can go grab a drink from the kitchen. I'm just finishing my glass water when i hear the door open, i turn around to see Harmony stood across the kitchen staring at me. I never realized she had come to the party and with the outfit shes wearing or lack of one I'm sure i would have noticed her presence. "Harmony what are" she quickly cuts me off "WHORE, how dare you trap Jayden so he has to be with you? he should have been MINE!" she shouts. I'm taken back by her outburst, is this what people think of me? that i trapped Jayden? 'no' my wolf informs me 'shes just jealous'. "I see your not even going to deny it, you've ruined my life and you just stand there" shes states and i can hear the anger and bitterness in her voice. "Harmony i never knew i was pregnant so how could i plan to trap him?" i ask her. Shes looking at me with repulsion and hate but i continue "hes not even your mate so how did i ruin your life? Jayden and i aren't even together, and we both agreed if he falls in love with someone i wouldn't stand in his way if he wants to mark her, just like he wont stand in my way if the same happens to me" is state. I'm not even sure why I'm explaining all this to her, i know Jayden said he didn't have any feelings for her, and as far as he was aware they were both using each other for sex. Harmony continues to glare at me from across the kitchen "I should have been the one to give him a baby, when he finally works out what you did he will kick you and your bastard son to the curb". Hearing her speaking about Ryder like hes a piece of trash needing disposing off makes my blood boil and i snap, before Ive even comprehended what I'm doing I'm at the other side of the room grabbing her by the hair and leading her to the door. She tries to remove my hand, but with my iron grip i wont let go, i throw the front door open with my other hand and throw her as hard as i can. She stumbles, and because shes wearing ridiculous size heels she falls to the floor in a heap "STAY AWAY FROM ME AND MY SON, IF I SEE YOU AGAIN I WONT BE SO NICE" i roar at her, slamming the door i return calmly to my party and my son, refusing to let one stupid whore ruin it!