Lay It All On Me [H.S]

10.

"Thank you, sweetheart." she murmured, "So please listen to me when I say, go and see about freezing your eggs... because one day, you'll never know, you may want something that you may not be able to have... and there's nothing worse than that."

I swallowed, nodding in response to her as the incision in my arm had been completed and the chemo had started.

"I promise, I'll get it sorted after we're done."

"Good girl." she whispered soundly, as Rachel suddenly looked at me with an unnerving gaze.

"What?"

"I'm sorry honey, I couldn't help but overhear obviously... but you should have been asked if you'd like your eggs to have been frozen before your chemotherapy started."

"Why?" I frowned confusingly at her, "What's the big deal?"

"Because they won't perform the procedure now as you've already started your chemo..." she whispered, and I stared at her.

"So, I can't freeze my eggs?"

"I'm afraid not." she whispered, the guilt riding across her face as I stared at her; "They really should have offered that to you..."

"Well, what does it matter hey... it's not as if I wanted children anyway, right?"

"Isabelle..."

"It's fine." I smiled, trying to convince myself and her.

"I mean, all women are different. The chemo may damage your ovaries, so of course that means that none are left after treatment.... If this happens, you can no longer get pregnant and you may have symptoms of the menopause."

Menopause?

At fucking 21 years of age?

Seriously?

"And for some women, although their periods stop during chemotherapy, they may still be producing eggs and you could still get pregnant. So, it is best to continue using reliable contraception even if your periods do stop. If you do get pregnant now, the chemotherapy drugs could harm the baby."

My head was still spinning at the fact she said I could go through the menopause at 21.

How was that even fair?

Why did this have to happen to me?

I didn't want children now, of course I didn't, but why was my future being robbed of me?

Why was I being potentially robbed of something that many women were made and built for?

Why couldn't I provide my future husband a child of our own?

"You alright, my love?"

"I'm fine." I snapped horribly, feeling her hand stroke my own; "Sorry, Rach. Just so much information to take in, you know?"

"It's okay. It's what I'm here for, honey."

"You're not here to be snapped at, at least of all by me." I whispered, "I'm just... gutted I guess."

"Of course... But you may be one of the lucky ones. Don't lose hope yet, yeah?" she smiled helpfully, "Listen, I'm going to go on my lunch now, but I'll be back in a bit, okay?"

I nodded, picking at the thread on my jeans as her hand gently palmed my shoulder as she walked past me.

"Why don't you forget about reality for a second, and lose yourself in fantasy?" Rachel cackled playfully, throwing a few magazines onto my lap; "He's rather pretty, isn't he?" she grinned.