Earn it

Twists and Turns

"I'll see you on a more personal basis now as I am in charge of the weekly choreographies that you girls have to learn and perform for the shareholders and producers".

We felt relieved that we at least have Miss Momo there.

"I do have one thing to ask you, and it's why I requested this meeting to be closed door".

We waited patiently, hearts beating out of our chest. I fought the urge to hold Ryujin's hand for comfort and I could see that she was also doing the same.

"I need you to be honest with me on this one, alright?"

"Are you two in a relationship? Or is there something romantic going on here?"

Our stomachs dropped. We looked at each other and arrived at an understanding.

"Yes, Miss Momo. We're girlfriends", Ryujin finally reached out to hold my hand, as if offering comfort.

"I see", Miss Momo nodded.

"I thought I was wrong when I saw you guys walking around dorm hallways that night. You know what this means, right?"

We are aware that there are unwritten rules about dating in the Kpop industry. And same sex dating is pretty much a blasphemy.

While it wasn't a big deal in the university, it wasn't celebrated either. We didn't think that we'd reach this far, this fast. And we haven't covered the part where we agree on what to do once we finally get the chance to train and debut.

We nodded in unison.

"It can get brutal. And I don't want you girls to be torn apart before you could even show your talent to the world."

Ryujin let go of my hand and looked down.

"So you know what to do. Alright?"

Once we stepped out the door after being dismissed, both of us could feel the heaviness in the air.

We were just starting to enjoy dating, being comfortable around each other and everyone else in the house but there's always something in the way.

We walked back to the dorm in silence. When we got inside, I held Ryujin's hand but it was so limp that I pulled back after a few seconds.

"I guess I'll see you at dinner tonight? We're still doing that, right?" She wouldn't look at me. And it broke my heart a little.

"I'll message you", she gave me a forced smile and went inside her room without another word.

I walked to mine and buried my head in my pillow.

I just need to give her time.

At 8PM that night, there still wasn't any message from her so I assumed that the dinner's off and decided to sleep early, instead.

I think I've spent too much time overthinking that my brain shut itself off when I cozied up in bed.

When I jolted awake at 6AM, I bumped into another person lying next to me. I sighed in relief. She looked so serene sleeping, with her arm around me. I didn't hear her come in but with the looks of it, she has been here all night.

I spent the next hour just watching her sleep. We both knew that this is coming - that this relationship is not something that the world might celebrate with us. Especially in this industry where you're expected to act right all the time.

But looking at Ryujin, the only thought that's repeating in my head was: how could I ever let this woman go?

I leaned it to kiss her cheek and that woke her up.

"Jagiya", she said softly when she saw me awake beside her. She reached out and touched my cheek.

I smiled and held her gaze.

"I miss you", she continued.

"I'm right here."

"I know, and I still do".

She moved closer and cuddled up to my chest.

"When I look at you, I always feel a little scared", I said honestly. She looked up at me.

"I look at you and my heart's instantly filled with adoration... and love. Everything spills. And I'm very foreign to this feeling, Ryujin. It scares the heck out of me".

She looked at me dearly and I could not help my tears. I cried out of fear but moreso, I cried out of love. This big, uncontrollable wave of emotions that takes over me when I experience anything related to Ryujin.

Like when she giggles whenever she sees photos of cats, or how her head tilts when thinking about something, when she perks up in conversations involving her favorite band. When she throws her soft smiles when it's me she's walking towards. The tight embrace when I had a bad day or when we missed each other too much in a day full of classes and club activities. How she talks about her Mom and little sister makes my heart full everytime.

"Hey..." she said softly as she caressed my cheek. "You're okay. I'm scared, too. But when I think about how you're always here when I get home, I get a little less anxious. Your smile... and the way your eyes disappear with it... it gets me going for days."

I cried even more with her response.

"I know we're only starting but I'm on this ride with you and I just want you to know that I plan to stay here for a long time. I just know that I'll..." she paused "...that I'll love you for a long time."

We haven't said the L word officially but we carefully threw the word here and there in our conversations.

I figured why not say it when we basically feel it flowing through everything that we do for each other, and with each other.

"I love you, too", I said casually and the look on her face made me chuckle.

"Do you mean that?" she asked, eyes still wide.

"I do." I answered immediately. "Are you gonna say it back?"

"Of course!" She almost jumped from the bed. She held my face in her hands and repeatedly kissed me "I love you. I love you. I love you, Hwang Yeji".

This made us laugh even more.

"No one will ever make me leave you. You're stuck with me now", she kissed me a bit longer this time.

She lied.

Or at least it feels like she did.

I jolted awake, sweating and anxious, for the nth time this week. I reached over my phone and saw that it's 2AM.

Now that we're 6 months in, I haven't felt a distance so wide that every night, I get dreams that she's leaving me.

How did we get here again?

Sighing, I covered myself with my blanket and closed my eyes. Even though I know sleep wouldn't come.