Ragini - Cupcakes, Football and Maybe Love

Roadtrip (5/?): a flower that can't be bloomed in a dream that can't come true

"But then, Harsh brought Ben into the picture  .......... That boy is getting to your head. Oh it's him right? Are you having an affair with that dude, your friend, what's his name, Benjamin? I knew it! 

And I swear Ragi, I saw red, I wanted to slap him, felt like pulling his hair out and poke his eyeballs, because of course the whole problem would be me, right? For him, I could be having an affair and that's the only reason I could even fathom to leave him. Because, oh he's perfect, 10 on 10 like my grandmom says. 

And then I lost it. I told him off. Told him that if he thinks so low of me, that I would be having an affair while being in a relationship, then I don't want to be with such a disrespectful being. 

And then I think he saw how serious I was and he said Hey, hey listen, you know I didn't mean it right? I mean can you blame me, you are doing this so early in the morning, you are ruining my day. You know what? Let's go to your parent's house. Let's sit down and talk. I'm sure you are just mad at something really small and - 

I told him I am done with him, I am breaking up with you and I don't want to have anything to do with you. And don't try contacting my family over this. 

And then I walked away here."

I placed a hand on her shoulder, Slowly, she leaned into me, pressing her head on my shoulder. I started patting her hair as I said - 

"You know you did the right thing, right?"

She exhaled loudly, "Yes, I know. Mentally, logically, I know. I know. But I don't know what I am feeling right now. Maybe I am just so overwhelmed that I am feeling numb."

"That's a normal reaction of our minds and bodies during overwhelming situations."

"I felt so angry in the park."

"Very valid reason for that anger, that pathetic waste of space of a person just demeaned you, trivialized your feelings and accused you of cheating on him, all in under 15 minutes. What a brainless bastard!"

Aashna chuckled a little as I continued, "Some men in our desi societies think they are be all and end all of all decisions. That the only decisions they make are correct just because the society has put them on a pedestal. Some think that if a woman speaks up against them, or tells them that they are wrong, or that they are unhappy with them, its all the woman's fault. Because how can we not see the chand ka tukda that they are, you know? Our societies enables their egos. 

I am not saying Harsh isn't at fault here and it's just how he's raised. Absolutely not. He is a grown man and even if that's how his upbringing was, like you had told me, he had enough time to look beyond himself, surround himself with people that are not like him and learn from them. For gawd's sake, he goes to University of Manchester. There probably were multiple avenues for him to interact with people who have different mindsets than him, and he could have learnt. 

But he chose not to. And when you pointed out that you are not happy with him, with the relationship, how he treats you isn't right, that went against everything that he believed.

And so he chose to say everything he said. And honestly, I would have slapped him hard at that cheating allegation. But you didn't. You told him your thoughts and put a full stop at your relationship and you walked away. And it was a really hard thing to do for you but the hardest part is now over, Aashi."

I felt Aashna huff a little, and then she got up. Tear tracks on her face, her mouth turned into a frown, "I absolutely wanted to slap him, but I reminded myself that a) Greg is still studying to be a lawyer and he can't take up independent cases presently and b) I really can't afford other lawyers."

I laughed loudly, "Yeah, you are right, we really, really can't afford lawyers, especially not the good ones. Nor Greg level good anyways."

Aashna started laughing with me and it felt like the flowers in the shop crooned hearing her laugh, Debra looked up from the counter she was at and raised an eyebrow, a smile beaming her face as well. 

Aashna laughing made the darkest pits of my stomach lighten up a little, like the first rays of sun coming to the horizon after a dark, cold night. 

"Greg just ruined everything for us!!" Aashna joked. 

"Oh he's the worst. How can he be so understanding and supportive of our shenanigans all the while also keeping a strict eye on us? And how does he win all the moot courts he's in. It's all his fault! We can't find other lawyers as capable as him!"

"And he won't charge us as well!"

"No I'm sure I will have to bake him his apple strudel and chocolate tarts for like 7 years as a payment but, at least he will take his payments in baked goods, you know?"

We kept laughing, thinking back to the time Ben and I pulled some pranks years ago and Greg had to save us both, and since then Ben and I have tried to keep our pranks a bit tamer so while Greg would be exasperated at them, they wouldn't necessitate him having to bring his lawyer skills into the situation to save us. 

Aashna spoke as she finished eating her doughnuts, "Can we go to the hotel, now? I think I want to take a nap till lunch, and then a nap after lunch and then go to my parents place in the evening and then leave this city in the morning. I think I need to be away from here for sometime."

"Absolutely, let's go."

We went up to Debra, thanked her profusely for being so kind and understanding. She in return hugged Aashna like an aunt, and handed us some freshly baked croissants, on the house my girls. Take care of yourself, hm?

We made our way to the hotel and after freshening up, Aashna went to lie down on the bed. I saw down with my laptop, going over some notes I had to for my upcoming trip to Peru, and soon, the room was filled with the silent sounds of soft snores and my laptop fan.

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yes the title is from fake love by bts, it's an absolute 10/10 song and i highly recommend checking out the lyrics. some of my own writing in this chapter have been inspired by this absolute genius of a song. 

lyrics translations and understanding here : https://doolsetbangtan.wordpress.com/?s=fake+love

" Doolset bangtan fake love " on google search will yield same results as well. 

i would absolutely like to show these lines i found on doolset bangtan : 

널 위해서라면 난
If it was for you,

슬퍼도 기쁜 척 할 수가 있었어
I could pretend that I was happy even if I was sad

널 위해서라면 난
If it was for you,

아파도 강한 척 할 수가 있었어
I could pretend that I was strong even if I was hurt

사랑이 사랑만으로 완벽하길
Wishing that love is perfect as itself

내 모든 약점들은 다 숨겨지길
Wishing all my weakness is hidden

이뤄지지 않는 꿈속에서
In a dream that can't come true,

피울 수 없는 꽃을 키웠어
I raised a flower that couldn't bloom

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happy new year. i hope you live and love well. 

take care, see you soon xoxo

all my love, 

inolas