Until We Meet Again

28. let's discuss

I can't take the guilt anymore.

It's been a week since I came back to school and I've gotten used to my new schedule, but that lost memory keeps coming back to me when it shouldn't be. It comes up in early class tests, evenings at the diner with Nina, and phone calls with my parents. It's focused on making me confront it, so I finally do.

I just give in like always.

I send Augustine a message telling her that she needs to tell her girlfriend about what happened or else I will. I don't have her girlfriend's contact information, but I'll find it. Just so I can try to be honest. Augustine responds immediately, which is surprising considering the fact that it's probably an insanely different time right now where she's at. She tells me, "I broke up with her. Happy?"

"Did you tell her that you cheated on her?"

"Oh, that this girl named Priscilla was flirting with me and made a move even though I was in a relationship?"

She thinks she's so smart. Of course she would place all the blame on me. As if I could have known.

It was just a mistake. A dumb mistake. A terrible mistake.

I should have just listened to that lesson of never sleeping with an ex. It's the best and most obvious advice one can receive.

"Did you tell her?"

"I broke up with her. I'm not as bad of a person as you think I am."

And I know that with that, the conversation has been ended. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. It seems like the guilt ate away at her, but I don't think it was too overwhelming. She didn't specify that she told her that she cheated on her before she broke up with her.

I don't know if that would be a blessing or a curse if I were in her ex-girlfriend's position. I know someone else is in that ignorant place because of me, but I just hope I'm never in it myself.

I can now think about something else though. Like right now, I'm finally able to concentrate on Rowan's words about our higher-level sociology class. They're going on and on about different concepts and points in time that we're bound to be tested on in our exam in two days.

I nod when it seems like I should, and I add in short comments that will let them know I'm paying attention. Still, I'm the one that invited them to study so I should be helping more.

Then, I make my first meaningful contribution to this already one-sided discussion and they seem to appreciate it. I'm just thankful that they haven't gotten tired of me yet. They run their hands through their new pixie cut, something they decided on over the winter break, and give me an understanding smile as if they can tell that something is bothering me.

I hate psychology majors.

I decide to carry the conversation on for a while, and they get to work on additional study cards that we'll test each other on. I would say the study session is a success because by the time we're done, we're scoring above a 75% on our practice exams, which is good enough for us. Besides, I find that the pressure of the actual testing day always makes me do better so my true score will probably be higher.

Hopefully.

Rowan simply tells me, "see you soon, Pri-scil-la."

The way they say my name is full of sweetness in the letters, it almost throws me off. They seem so cheerful. I wish them good luck on the test, and wave as they walk out of my room.

I almost wonder if they like me, just because of that. I'll admit I have a big ego in that way because I like it when people like me. I like that attention, it gives me satisfaction.

It's even better when I don't reciprocate the feelings, because it just means I don't have to give anything from my own energy. I'll just take that one drop of feelings from another person to fuel my own positive mind.

I don't think it's true though.

They can do better than me. I wonder if they've noticed how chaotic my pacing has been. I think that after Delilah and Augustine, my own self-confidence has gone down.

And, I can't afford for it to be possible.

I've found that the inevitable heartbreak leaves me wanting alcohol, and it's not sustainable. For my wallet mainly, but I guess for my mind too.

There should be more awareness on college campuses about how fucked up drinking can be. I haven't had one cup in a while, and it's like I'm enlightened on all the sins and actions taken when one finds peace in that magical liquid.

It leaves me with headaches, sometimes other symptoms if I have too much, and it isn't always an even trade-off. The drinking makes it all go away for a while and then the aftermath always leaves a harsher reminder of everything I try to forget anyways.

I hear a quiet 'ping' from my phone that I assume is a notification from Nina about her day, but it isn't. It's like I've suddenly summoned the person I've been trying to forget all my life.

Delilah tells me, "Meet me at the diner? Now?"

Alright, maybe I do need a drink.