A Place Of My Own

Negative Thoughts in My Mind

I wake up each and every morning, and each and every morning is almost the same.

My head is full of the negative things

"You're too fat."
"You don't deserve happiness."
"There is no way you could find someone that could love you."

I lay in bed as these thoughts flood my brain and let tears fall one by one. I then feel arms wrap around me

"What's making you cry sweetheart?" Tyler asks me.

I wipe my eyes and shake my head. "Nothing, just sad I have to wake up." I put on a smile as I climb out of our bed and go to the bathroom.

"We have therapy this morning." Tyler reminds me and then leaves to go help his kids ready for school.

I have helped raise the kids since the youngest was 2 months so when they are really upset they call me momma Britt and that warms my heart. I continue challenging the negative thoughts in my brain saying Tyler loves me and I am a good person, I'm intelligent, I'm a good friend. But to every positive my brain has a negative to combat it. It's a losing battle.

Tyler and I get the kids off to school and we go to our therapy session.

"How was your communication this week?" The therapist asks.

We have to on a scale from 0-10 rate how well we feel we communicated with the other and how we felt the other communicated with us. 0 being none and 10 being greatest, talked about everything.

"I think I communicated 7/10 and I think he communicated 7/10. I replied. I thought it was an okay week. I thought we communicated well.

Tyler hesitated before replying. I think Britt communicated 8/10 and I communicated 3/10. I was shocked. Why so low?

"I'm so sorry Britt" Tyler looks at me with tears.

"What's wrong Ty?" I asked.

He didn't respond just put his head down.

"Are you breaking up with me?" I asked panicking.

"I don't want to break up with you."

"Okay, so what's wrong?" I ask again.

"I'm so sorry." He says.

"Did you cheat on me?" I suddenly felt the room spinning.

"What?! NO! I would never do that. I love you."

"Then tell me what's going on!" I demanded.

"I was looking at engagement rings in my office when Maxine walked in. I have told you since the first day how she has been sexually harassing me. Well, it she sat on my lap. I immediately stood up making her stumble. She then got mad and said that I shouldn't be looking at rings while I was working. When I told her I was on lunch break she smiled and said that she was too and we should go to lunch, I told her no and I went out for a walk."

His boss had been sexually harassing him for 6 months but this is the first time that I'm hearing that she had actually touched him in anyway. I was pissed, sad, I didn't know how to feel. I decided to just go to my brother's place for the night instead of going home with Tyler.

My brain kept sharing those negative thoughts with me, uninvitedly.

I lay awake wondering if there was a place out in the world that I could go and leave all my shit behind and no one could come unless I invited them to and would have to leave if I told them they had to go. I wonder if there was a place I could go that the pain in my heart could for a moment be healed. A place that would shut off all negative thoughts. I closed my eyes and fell asleep. Having nightmares of trauma and waking up sweating. And in that moment I knew, the hope of ever finding such a place, Was impossible.