By Sin We Fall

Chapter Sixteen

"I talked to my teacher," Margaret said after finishing her first serving of twelve. Valerio had begrudgingly left us after clearing out the appetizers that had arrived. "The scary one you're always talking about?" "They're all scary except Antina and that's only because she's nearing a hundred years old, oh but do you know! I saw her one time at lunch catch a fly in mid air! She's crazy reflexive and I wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley but anyway Polina wanted me to audition for a permanent position at the company." "Hasn't that always been your goal?" "Yes, but it's far more complicated than that!" I looked up unimpressed by her excuses. "I just honestly never thought it would happen. They always tell you about the percentage that don't get in and why am I the exception, you know? I didn't think I'd make it this far, I always had such an image of those dancers and I was never part of that image. Even now it's near impossible to see myself standing next to so many people that I look up to. I feel like it's going too fast, I want more time..." "It's never going to be the right time, you're ready now, just go for it." "Easy for you to say, volatile is your second nature! I'm so used to living on the sidelines that it gets hard to breathe when I think of making such a leap. Ballet has always been this secret life that I escape to that nobody took seriously. And to consider it a full time job is just so bizarre." "Why doesn't your family watch your performances?" She seemed surprised I remembered. I was surprised how hostile I was to that thought. Who did her family think they were to ignore her ambitions? She didn't seem like the person who could handle being abandoned and not cared for emotionally. I thought it was unjust for someone like Margaret to experience that kind of relationship to a family. The question seemed to put her in a somber mood. "It's complicated but I'm grateful that they stopped coming. The more I can detach from the crowd the better," she was quiet for a moment then continued. "And well one time, it was one of my first real performances that I actually had to audition for and not just get the part because I was in the class. I was so happy I made it into the group and practiced everyday for it. And there was this one girl in the group, her name was Beatrice and she was the queen bee, and I wanted to impress her so that I too could be in their group. Well, we were on stage and my whole family was there. It was a small thing but I made a big deal about the whole production. I was going to show them how cool ballet was. So I was on stage and our teacher was playing the piano and she was going "five-six-seven" and I was in my zone and she said five-six which is sauter to tourner, so I followed and I bumped right in to Beatrice when she was turning my way and I mean it was comical how us three girls just fell on top of each other like dominos. Beatrice screamed bloody murder as I fell on top of her. All I could do was run off stage. That was the last show my whole family came to see. They looked at me with pity afterwards. I never wanted them to see me perform again. I considered quitting but for a while ballet was the only thing that really brought me joy. So I just kept going not knowing where it would lead but as long as I was having a good time I continued... and well now I'm here. They don't come to my performances anymore not because I made such a fool of myself, but for... other reasons." She looked off in the distance. The regret of the things she couldn't control anymore weighed down on her. The light she was radiating a moment before vanished, I acknowledged that I was the one to bring up that change. "I once jumped off my pool house roof with only an umbrella because Valerio said it would catch me." I'd never told anybody that story. "I thought I could never go back on a stage," she looked at me with the same fright she must have worn that day. "I thought I could never walk again and my brother never let me forget it." She smiled sadly at my own misfortunes. I faltered to the fact of why I was telling her this. Why did I want to ease her suffering by telling her something that made me look weak? Whatever the answer was to that question, it became inconsequential as Margaret seemed to relax again. So much so, I'd never seen her so comfortable around me. Her hair was still damp in a tight bun from being at practice that was described as hellish from the broken air conditioner. Her cheeks were always tinged red from the earlier exertion. A homeless man at the counter was cussing out the hostess. So far from my life that I kept, yet faltering to why it felt so much like home.