Still Loving You

Part 4

He snatched the bandanna off his head, tossed it across the room, and stormed out. He needed a fucking cigarette like he never had before. His nerves were completely on edge, his heart racing, his stomach turning. Standing outside the club, his hand was shaking so bad, he struggled to light it.

"Son of a bitch!" he yelled, punching the door.

Goddamn it. Now his hand was throbbing too, but it had helped a bit. He wasn't shaking so much. He finally got his cigarette lit and took a deep inhale, willing the nicotine to calm him. His whole body felt like it was vibrating with the thought of her. He knew what the right thing to do was. The last time he saw her, she made it very clear how she felt. Her face, tears streaming down her cheeks, flashed in his mind as he remembered that night.

They were sitting on his couch. Well, he was sitting. Elizabeth was laying back on the couch, her legs draped over his as she talked about heading off to college in a couple weeks. He was lazily drifting his hand up and down her thigh, lost in his own thoughts, apprehensive about what was to come, what had to come. She had no idea how much this subject set him on edge.

"Eddie?" she said, pulling his attention back. "Are you even listening to me?"

"Huh?" he murmured. "Sorry babe."

She laughed, scooching up to snuggle in next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. He turned his face into her hair, inhaling the scent of the lavender shampoo she used. He wanted to memorize every single detail about her because he was dreading what he was about to do. He knew it was for the best, but that didn't make it any easier.

"I was saying, Bryxton is only a little over two hours away," she answered, her fingers playing with the rings on his hand. "That's nothing. We can see each other every single weekend. You can come visit me, and I can come back home. There will be school breaks, and if you start looking for a job there, we could maybe even rent an apartment like we talked about. This isn't going to change anything."

He sighed. "Yeah, it will."

She pulled away, looking up into his face and the hurt he saw there felt like a punch in the gut. He never wanted to be the reason for her to look like that. All he had ever wanted to make her laugh, make her smile, make her whisper his name the way she did that drove him insane.

"What do you mean?" she asked, and then she tried a smile as if she could stop the bad thing from coming but she couldn't. There was no stopping it now. He knew what he had to do. "Are you worried I am going to meet some stupid college guy because there's nothing to worry about." She climbed on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I've already told you, you're it for me, Eddie Munson. There is no one else. This is endgame, baby."

God, how he wished that were true. But he had thought this through more times than he could count, and he didn't see how it could be. It was inevitable. She had so much ahead of her. He had absolutely nothing to offer her. He wasn't going to college to get some fancy degree and make the big bucks. He wasn't going to be able to provide the kind of life she deserved. He wasn't going to amount to anyone who deserved her. He had to let her go so she had a chance at happiness.

He gently lifted her off of him and sat her on the couch, standing up. He moved a few steps away, running his hand through his hair, trying anything to relax enough to say the words he needed to say, to get through this nightmare. His hands were shaking and he began to spin the rings on his fingers to try to calm himself. He knew what he had to say. He just had to find the strength to do it.

"Eddie, you're scaring me," she whispered, staring at his hands, his fingers spinning his rings. She always knew. She knew him too well. She knew him better than he knew himself. He could never hide how he was feeling from her. "What is wrong?"