Philophobia (Bucky x Reader)

Chapter 1

The next day you were admitted to a mental hospital. That same day, you found out that the kid you beat up suffered major injuries. You felt an immense guilt wash over you when you heard the news. You never intended to hurt him that bad. Maybe just a punch, but not this.

It made the news of course. Headlines saying 'Psychopath Child Hits Boy With Baseball Bat' or 'Angry Girl Bludgeons Boy During Baseball.' It was nationwide. I mean you didn't blame them, it's not something you hear everyday, but then again, you were anything but normal.

It didn't take long for Hydra to find you and kidnap you. After they found out about your special case regarding your anger issues, they immediately found you to be an asset. They thought if they trained you enough, they could use your anger to their advantage.

So, they kidnapped you from the mental facility you were kept in. You've been with Hydra since you were 10. You suffered 15 years of torture, abuse, psychological manipulation, and just absolute hell. Hydra trained you to be an assassin, and you were the deadliest weapon they had created since the Winter Soldier. Your ability to snap into pure rage in an instant was both your strength and weakness. It was your strength because you were painstakingly strong and efficient. It was your also weakness because you didn't want to kill those innocent people but once your anger takes the wheel, you have no control over your body.

Hydra, through intense manipulation and conditioning, was able to tap into the part of your brain that accesses anger and could turn it on with a single word.

They did this through associating that word with your anger. They'd make you angry, by means of torture, and then they'd say that word making your brain associate your anger with that word. Having been taught this from such a young age, your brain was tricked through the repetition of this cruel process. This gave them the ability to make you angry whenever they wanted, and you hated that. In fact, you hate being angry, because you feel like you have no control over your actions, which in your case, you really don't.

And, for someone to be able to kill as efficiently as you, it made you extremely dangerous.

*Present Day*

You're laying down in a pool of your own blood that was coming from both your mouth and stomach. General Ivanov ordered several soldiers to beat you to comply but it didn't work. You ended up killing the soldiers. However, they did get some punches in you, as well as a stab in the stomach.

You know that General Ivanov is scared of you. That's why he sends his soldiers to "make you comply." You thought that if you got your hands on him, you'd kill him in a heartbeat. There was nothing you wanted to do more.

As you lay there on the ground, the dead bodies of soldiers surrounding you were being lifted and tossed to discard.

As weird as it sounded, you didn't mind being in an immense amount of pain because it meant that you wouldn't hurt anyone. You noticed that sometimes when you're angry, if you hurt yourself, a small amount of relief floods your body, giving you the ability to calm down. It also helps shut off your brain for a moment, which is constantly trying to find a reason to be angry. That's why you'd cut yourself. Anytime you got angry when you didn't want to be, you'd just grab a knife and cut across your arms. If there wasn't anything sharp near, you'd find figure out another way to cause physical pain. Whether that be burning yourself, hitting yourself, or getting into trouble to encourage soldiers to beat you, you found a way to get that small relief. Even if it was just for a second, it was all you wanted.

Your vision is a little blurry but you are able to recognize General Ivanov's voice talking to someone else. Most likely the doctor who helped create who you are today. You know him as Doc, you don't know his actual name. Finally, you feel footsteps coming closer to you from the vibrations on the floor.