The Boiling of the Bones

27. The Slaughterhouse

Something inside me resisted. Deep down inside, part of me was screaming, don't do this-it's not worth it. I couldn't force myself to take that last step.

Another part of me said, Shut up. This is hard enough as it is. I'm in pain. My life is already over. It's almost done--one more tiny step and it will all be over, and the pain will be gone. Life holds no meaning anymore. It's time to end it. It was time. Soph, if there is something after this life, I'll come find you. We'll be together again soon. It's time to seal the deal.

I remembered her last words.

I wanted you to know I always loved you.

And then,

I'm so, so sorry about everything. I'm such a horrible, horrible person.

"No, you're not Soph. You're the most beautiful, amazing, incredible person I know." Knew.

Her words pierced my heart like a dagger.

Then the ghost of Sophia came to me as a voice in my head.

"Don't do this. It's not your time. There's so much more for you to accomplish."

Tears of numbing hurt, anger, loss and pain rolled down my cheeks.

"How do you get to tell me not to do it?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. You deserved so much better."

"All I wanted was you. That was all I ever wanted. Now you're gone and look at me. I'm listening to voices in my head."

I laughed at how pathetic I was.

"Even the ghost of you still haunts me--a year later. I can't, won't ever find happiness or meaning again. This life holds nothing for me now. I desperately want to see you again. And maybe I will if there is some kind of life after this. I miss you. I want to be together with you again."

All of a sudden, I heard a girl screaming. At first, I thought it was Soph. For a split second, in my mind, she was calling out to me. This time I could save her. Without thinking, I automatically sprang into action. Somehow, I knew exactly what to do. It almost felt like I was a puppet with someone else pulling the strings.

I ran a hundred yards down the trail, around a corner to a group of rock climbers frozen in shock as they gazed down over the edge. I wrapped a chain around a tree, roped up and lowered myself downward in one fluid motion. All of a sudden, it hit me. I'd done this before. It was my recurring dream playing out in real life. Every detail was exactly the same. Confidence set in. It would be OK. I knew I'd save her.

Sure enough, I made it down and grabbed her. I clung to her with every ounce of energy I could muster, and everything played out exactly as it did in the dream. The Search and Rescue helicopter arrived and safely took her away and I rappelled to the bottom of the cliff.

I sat down on the boulders at the base of the cliff as the climbers congratulated me with smiles and warmth.

What now?

The dream didn't go any farther than that. I didn't know how it ended. I couldn't possibly hike back up to the top and finish what I'd come to do. Not after an experience like that. I was curious if the girl would be OK. She looked like she'd sustained multiple injuries—possibly some broken bones. I remembered the ill-fated ambulance ride to the hospital hoping and praying the paramedics would save Soph, but it wasn't to be...

But this case was different. This girl would live. I was sure of it. This time, I'd saved her. She was alive because of me. I got into my truck and drove home. I was exhausted so I crawled under my covers and went to sleep.