Grey IV - Chains

Chapter 38 - Show Me

Energy? Power? Lightening.

His electricity reached out from him, disturbing the air, the space, the entire room he occupied, filling it. He was alone in a mess hall, and from the looks of it, it hadn't been empty just a few minutes earlier. I didn't blame the Mages for fleeing. Having 'good' Darklings under their roof was one thing, but a Fallen, and not a particularly light one...if I was mainly Human I would keep my distance too.

He ate like Malachi did, like he knew what being hungry was and didn't want to feel it anytime soon. I felt a little prick of pain at that, of sympathy. And as soon as I realized what it was, recognized and named it, I clung to it, trying to grow it, to fan the little flame. I wanted to feel something for him, even if it wasn't James. Or maybe it was. Maybe he was right when he said he was still him. How could he not be? I wasn't sure what I believed. But I knew I felt a weak, cracked connection to him...and I wanted to, I wanted that. So I fed that little flame, fanning it gently. Even if I tried to tell myself it was only because he was a link to Heaven, that it was his power pulling me in - I didn't really care. I wanted to want him.

Regardless of where it came from, I felt something, and that was all that mattered in the moment.

"I'm going to go train with him. Please-"

"Stay away, I know. I will." Malachi cut me off in a bored tone I knew was feigned.

"Thank you."

He propped himself up on his elbows to watch me, rapid metallic clicks signaling that he was mulling over something more. I waited before he plopped back down and the moment blew away like the pathetic shield I had tried to use again James. It wasn't until I turned to the door that he mumbled words I doubted he had ever said before.

"Love you."

I smiled at the door I was facing, careful to not tense in any way he could see, though I knew he was still laying on the bed, staring at my ceiling.

"I love you too."

And then I left, following the wire that connected me to the Angel that was halfway to a gym already.

» ✦ «

My stomach hurt. And I knew why. Emotions had never been a strong skillset of mine, which was twistedly hilarious considering my Gift was to manipulate them. Or maybe that's why I wasn't good with the non-useful emotions - like happiness, acceptance, love. Bleh. To everyone else, emotions were something they just had, something they grew into and learned, but for me it was something I practiced, honed, and sharpened. And I had never trained the positive ones. There was no need to. After all, how could happiness help me beat an enemy? Why did I need to feel or understand or push love when lust was so much easier to use. So I had trained the other feelings, the useful ones, the ones that came naturally to me like anger and fear, hatred and despair and hopelessness, doubt.

Maybe that's why my stomach lurched and I barely made it to my room before I threw up.

Ailech appeared, as he always did now when he felt something wrong with me, when whatever strand that connected us quivered and alerted him that I wasn't ok. I hated that he saw me like this so often: panic attacks in the shower, puking because I couldn't even say a simple sentence...I was weak, out of control. And only he knew, only he saw it. But he never teased me about it, never even mentioned it. Instead, he held my hair back as I clutched the cold porcelain.

Eventually, I stopped and sat back, wanting nothing more than a scalding shower to get the feeling of sickness off me. But Ailech continued to sit back on his heels, watching me, like he had no plans on leaving.