Always And Forever

Chapter 4: Bellany's POV

I tip toe silently down the stairs, careful not to wake my mum.

Creeeek.

"Bellany, is that you?"

Shit.

I don't say anything and continue to tip toe down the stairs, holding my breath.

I hear my mum let out a long sigh and then I hear some shuffling about. As I reach the end of the stairs, she appears at the top. I glance up at her and study her closely. She's wearing the same clothes she was wearing yesterday except they are all crumpled and wrinkly. She has dark bags beneath her eyes and her dark brown hair is all messy and knotty.

She let's out another sigh. "You know I didn't mean what I said last night. It wasn't me talking...it was the drink."

I look away from her and shrug. "I don't care," I reply simply.

I do. I really do.

She studies me for a few minutes before descending the stairs. She pulls me into her arms and I try with all my might not to let the tears fall.

"You know I love you more than anything in the world," she whispers softly.

Yeah, right.

I struggle out of her embrace and she stumbles back, shocked. "No you don't," I sneer, "If you did then you'd listen to me and stop drinking and smoking. You'd act like a real mother and take me on outings. You'd listen to all of my problems and give me the best advice you can. But you don't do any of those things. You do the exact opposite." Anger builds up inside me and the fury I am feeling now is undescribeable.

Her light brown eyes turn dark with rage and flash with anger. "You think I don't try? You think that I don't care about you?" She hisses. "Bellany Jules Hayne, if that's what you think then your delusional. I've told you time and time again, I.Love.You. What part do you not understand? I'm trying, I really am trying to quit smoking and drinking. We both know that I've started going to the A&A meetings. Fine, yesterday I got tipsy but we all learn from our mistakes-"

"Well you clearly don't because you keep making them over and over again," I say, my voice cracking. "Don't you see what your doing to yourself?" A tear slides down my cheek, leaving behind a trail of moisture behind.

My mother's face is puckered with guilt and she looks down at the floor, hanging her head in shame. "So I screwed up. But sometimes, Bellany, I just need a little treat once in a while, a drink."

"You get drunk so often, it's almost useless for you going to those A&A meetings. On the days that I do turn up at school, which is not often might I add, when I come home from school on the bus, I wonder if your going to get drunk, if I'm going to get a torrent of abuse. Do you have ANY idea how much it hurts?" Tears are uncontrollably falling down my face like a waterfall.

Moisture builds up in her eyes but she's stronger than I am and doesn't let a single tear fall.

I push past her into the kitchen and grab the coco pops cereal. I place the box onto the counter and walk lazily over to the fridge. I grab a new bottle of milk once I realize that the old one's finished and pour it into my cereal. I begin to eat my cereal but after a few spoonfuls my face twists in disgust and I push my cereal away from me.

Tastes like cardboard.

I whip out my phone and text my cousin, Bobby. He's only a year younger then me but he knows everything going on between my mum and I. We tell each other everything, and when I say everything, I mean everything.

Hey, I need a break from my mum. Let's meet up?

I send him the text and he replies back instantly.

Hi, I wish I could but you know my mum. She's always got something planned for me. Were heading over to her friend's house for dinner tonight. How about next week Saturday instead? Stay strong.

My face falls and hurt fills up inside me. My fingers move fast over the keyboard as I text him back.

No, don't worry. It's cool, I'm fine.

I'm not.

I switch off my phone when I see that I only have four percent battery and head upstairs to my room to plug it in the charger.

While it's charging I decide to take a bath. I run the tap and get out a fresh, clean, fluffy white towel. I lock the bathroom door behind me and take off all my clothes as I sink down into the clear, warm water. I close my eyes as I lean back and rest my head gently against the wall.

I take deep, large breaths and tell myself over and over two words. Two words that kept me going through the past few months.

Stay strong.

Those two words that my grandmother always used to gently whisper in my ear before I went to sleep.

Now it's my cousin's job to remind me, but it's just not the same.

I open my eyes and look at the damage I have done to myself.

Both my legs are covered in scars and bruises. The bruises are healing slowly but slightly and the scars aren't that big however they are quite visable. I lift up my arms and take a quick glance at each of them. Neither of my arms have bruises nor scars. The inside of my right wrist has many large, deep and painful cuts. My left wrist isn't as bad as my right, there's a few cuts here and there but they don't hurt.

I started self harming about a year ago, at around the same time I got depressed.

When I was younger, I never in a million years thought that I'd grow up to be a depressed, self-harming, miserable teenager. I thought I'd be happy. Oh, how wrong was I.

I push my straight, long, dark brown hair back and silently cry.

Why can't I be happy and beautiful?