since.

ringing.

songs

anticrist - the 1975

my body - young the giant

often - the weeknd

my type - saint motel

//

"he's dead and it's my fault," the thought won't stop ringing around in my head. if i had kept my anger in, alex would be fine. my mom says it couldn't have been stopped. my dad hasn't said anything, but it's clear he blames me.

alex's family hasn't spoken to me since the funeral. his sister, who became the sister i'd never had, won't respond to my calls or texts. his family cut out their only son's fiancée, and there's nothing i can do about it.

we were supposed to get married exactly a month and four days on the day i killed alex. the wedding was going to happen on his grandparent's orange farm in florida. it was planned to be in may so the orange trees would be blossoming and everything would smell sweet. it was his idea to have it there and he may have been more excited about planning the wedding than i was.

not only did his imagination stop, his dreams stopped, or should i say i stopped his dreams. as sweet as he was, i don't think he would blame everything on me. he knew i was mad and fed up and couldn't put up with everything around me anymore. he was almost too sweet, like an orange tree blossoming.

god, i miss him.

i miss his goofy smirk and the shining in his eyes when an idea struck him. i miss the passion he had when he talked about something that excited him. alex's hands would flail around and he'd pace around the room in a way that would make me feel passionate about it as well. i miss the love he had even when he'd already been through so much.

and now everything i love about him, and alex himself, is gone all thanks to my selfishness. i wish I hadn't been so selfish.

now i just need to figure out how to stop loving something that's never coming back. there's only so long I can stay in my dorm before i'm required to attend classes, but school has no interest to me anymore. sure, i worked hard to keep my grades up so i can get into a graduate program, but it feels worthless without something, someone, to work for. to work for the future i'll never have.

there's an atrocious pattern on my dorm's wall. if i stay in here long enough, i could easily see myself turn into jane from the yellow wallpaper, screaming as i let the women free from their suffering. alex was creative enough to think of something like that but all i see is jagged lines, stabbing anything that intercepts it.

words also seem sharp to me all of a sudden. i never thought about how letters curve into crisp point and stab at your eyes. especially the words we don't need. hateful words and words we wish we could take back.

maybe that's why i've taken up writing. trying to move past the things i wish hadn't happened. accidents that i should be in jail for the rest of my life for making. writing with those sharp words take off the edge (pun intended) of the force behind them. i can't change what happened, but i can move past it. or at least i can try.

first, get rid of the ringing in my head. the screaming that tells me alex's death is my fault and that i should just join him.

\\

this story is definitely darker than my others and 100% made up by me. it may seen drawn out with some scenes, but i'm trying to accurately capture how i imagine depression feels to people who have lost someone close to them.

i am also not grammatically blind. i know you need to capitalize words and the beginning of a sentence, but there is logic behind it. just wait. updates will be less often with this book because it takes awhile to write longer paragraphs and really think through what i'm writing.

tell me what you think so far.

dedicated to my dearest wattpad friend exoticfinn for inspiring me to write a non-fanfiction story

edit: I'm adding a blurb I wrote when I started this bc it's extremely accurate

alex is dead. perrin is trying to write a story and move forward. philip has some nice hair. cleo is considering switching roomates.