Elijah (MxM)

Chapter Eighteen

A/N: Above is the song Elijah is named after.

He looked like he crawled through hell to get here, his clothes dirty and his face flushed with cold. "Kit," his voice broke and suddenly he was in tears, sobbing into his hands, shaking like a leaf.

A surge of relief coursed through me, immediately wrapping my arms around him, pulling him inside. With the door closed, I squeezed him to my chest, his hands clinging to my back like he might fall over. He cried into my shirt, his whole body trembling as he tried to catch his breath. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

I felt myself melting into him, willing to do anything to make his pain go away, my hand coming up to massage his scalp. "It's okay, baby, it's okay."

"I messed up. It's all my fault. Everything, it's all my fault." He fell apart, stumbling in my arms like he was having trouble holding himself up.

"Elijah," I whispered his name, trying to hold myself together. "Come sit down." I moved us into the bedroom, helping him onto my bed in an attempt to ground him. He pulled me tight against him, his face pressing into my stomach as I shushed him softly.

"I didn't know what else to do." He cried, fist balled in my shirt. "I ruined everything."

"Elijah, listen to me," I breathed shakily, "it's gonna be alright. You messed up but we'll fix it, okay? I'll help you."

"No—" he shook uncontrollably, barely being able to speak.

"Shh, calm down, calm down."

"I can't," he coughed, choking. "I deserve this, I'm a horrible person."

"Hey," I pulled back, looking him in the eye. His face was red and puffy, wet with tears that seemed to have no end. I raised a hand, wiping them away as he stifled a sob, fighting for breath.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, "I never wanted you to see me like this."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." I shook my head, giving him a sympathetic look. "Don't torture yourself like this."

"I don't know what to do." He whispered with utter defeat, his chest rattling with each breath. I didn't know what to do either and I was starting to wonder if the problem was me. Would Elijah be better off without me in his life? As much as it hurt to think about, I couldn't help but wonder if it was true. He seemed completely inconsolable and I didn't know how to make it better.

I caressed his cheek with my thumb, watching his bottom lip tremble like my affection was only making it worse. "What do you need?" I asked him, pressing my forehead to his. He exhaled softly, fingers curling in my hair, pulling me down to him. We kissed and he released a pained sound like he couldn't help it. I moved away from his mouth and to his cheek, kissing him there, tasting the saltiness on my lips. I repeated this, my hand sliding to his neck, kissing the spots of his face that I felt needed attention. He sniffled, his grip on my hair loosening and his anxious heartbeat slowing. I pulled back, searching his eyes.

Elijah shook his head, hands coming to my face bringing me to his mouth again. He deepened the kiss desperately, shakily getting to his feet and pressing himself against me, taking control of the moment. I understood what he wanted but it didn't feel right, my eyebrows furrowing in confusion as he slid his hand into my pants, groping me, all his movements so hurried and anxious. We stumbled slightly, my back hitting the wall sending excruciating pain shooting through me, my face pulling away from his as I shouted incoherently. I pulled his hand out of my pants angrily, doubling over as I collected myself.

He backed away like he was scared of himself, slumping back onto the bed, defeated. There was a long silence like he couldn't quite bring himself to speak after that. "Kit—did I hurt you?"