love letters | shourtney

xv.

We stay like this on the floor of Olivia's room for about an hour. Talking, not talking, it doesn't seem to matter to us.

Every so often, he runs his hand through my hair, making my nerves shiver with excitement. I went from being so on edge from feeling overwhelmed to being more relaxed than I've ever been. This whole time my heart's ached from the sweetness of the moment, but also because I know this isn't real. Like, relationship real.

"We should probably go back." Still lying on his legs, I roll over and look up at the ceiling. Shayne moves his eyes from his phone to me. I don't want to go, but I know that we can't stay here forever.

"Are you sure? I really don't mind if you want to stay." He puts his phone down and looks so deeply into my eyes I'm sure he's looking right through me.

"I..." Melting under his gaze, I can barely form words. "It's okay." He doesn't look like he believes me. "I'm okay, I promise."

"Okay." He runs his hand through my hair one last time. "But, if at any point you want to leave, just nudge me or text me and I'll drive you home. Promise?"

"Fine." I scrunch my nose up at him playfully. His everlasting kindness makes my heart burn with desire. "Still not gonna let me drive?" I tease as I sit up. He shakes his legs, trying to regain feeling in them. Pushing myself up off the floor, I can't help but feel bad for lying on him for so long.

"Nope." He stands up, leaning against the wall. "Damn." He runs his hand up and down the sides of his legs, discomfort clear on his face. 

"Sorry." I mutter subconsciously, looking down. 

"Hey." He stops and raises his hand, using it to lift my chin lightly, making my whole body tense up. I try desperately to stop myself from blushing, but I don't know how well it's working. "If it bothered me, I would have said something." All I can do is nod. If I tried to speak, I would have just spat out some jumbled-up letters. 

He lets his hand drop, making me simultaneously relax, but also internally scream at the loss of contact. I turn around to face the door so he can't see my probably extremely red face. His hand settles on the small of my back as he reaches out for the door handle. My heart thumps heavily before disregarding all logical thinking. I grab his outstretched wrist and pull it away from the door. 

Turning around to bury my face is his shoulder, I let go of his wrist and it almost immediately closes around me. We've been entangled just like we are now so many times over the past few days. I can't help the impulsive thought of never leaving his embrace and holding him as close as possible until the end of time. 

"One hour." He whispers. 

"What?" I pull away and check my phone. It's almost 9, it's hard to believe that I've been here for 7 hours. I guess feeling so empty and distant made time go by faster. 

"We're leaving in one hour." His eyes are soft, but his voice is stern. Running his hand against my arm, I try to understand his changed mind. And tone. "You didn't eat with us, and you're still... tired." The harsh tone in his voice drops. "I just... want to take care of you. To make sure you're taking care of yourself." He stops, looking for something in my eyes. My heart just about bursts from giddiness. 

"Okay." Why can't I say no to him? A soft smile curls his lips as he pulls me back into him. I press myself against him.

This boy is gonna be my downfall.

----------

Standing at the door of her room, we look back to Olivia's apartment. Most of the crew left, the room feeling a lot emptier now. They've split into two groups. Most the boys are in the living room, the rest of the remaining cast in the kitchen. Shayne, after being called over to the couch by Damien, gets my bag for me before settling down. 

"I swear, you guys are adorable." Olivia, her voice low so no one but me hears her, takes my hand, dragging me to a stool in the kitchen. I would roll my eyes, but all I do is smile. We are adorable. 

"Oh, hey Court. We thought you left." Jackie spins around on the stool next to me, using the counter as a force to push off of. She keeps spinning as I sit down. 

"I just uh... needed a pause." I nod, biting my lip, waiting sometime to ask the obvious question. Saige interrupts Jackie before she speaks again. 

"How's work? I miss being around." She sips her glass of water, eyes still resting on me, caution clear in them. 

"Honestly, it's pretty stressful right now, for alls of us." Kimmy hums, a distant smile on her face. She's sitting cross legged up on Olivia's counter. I reach a hand out and rest it on Saige's knee, thanking her for pulling the attention off of me. 

"Yeah, thank you for having all of us, Olivia. This is really nice." Amanda wraps an arm around Olivia's shoulder, smiling. 

"Courtney." My name pulls me from my blank stare. "You look like you could use a drink." Tommy hands me a cup of something alcoholic. Wary looks from Olivia and Saige tell me not to drink it, but I can't help myself. No matter how risky this is, I need a distraction. 

A distraction that isn't Shayne.

Even just the small sip I take burns my throat, not particularly in a good or bad way, but it stings for a while. Returning my eyes to the group, I find they're all looking at me. After a second of silence, they all raise their cups and take sips of their drinks. Conversation about work continues as I start to feel like I'm returning to the moment, joining in on jokes and laughter.

I stop drinking after a second cup of whatever Tommy made, the heavily present burn of alcohol in my mind a good enough distraction for now.

"We should dance." I say, the group all looking to me as I take off Shayne's jacket. A look of excitement crosses Olivia's face before she pulls me to the open space between where the living room and her kitchen counter. Pulling her phone from her pocket, she connects it to her Bluetooth speakers and starts playing something I've probably heard on the radio before.

A mixture of hunger and alcohol making the world spin, I can only really focus on one thing at a time. At first it was watching blurry bodies follow Olivia and I to the 'dance floor'. Then it was calling out to the group on the couch who promptly get up and attempt dancing. But now it's Shayne.

Who am I kidding? It was probably Shayne the whole time. I never stop thinking about him.

He steps up behind me and places a steady hand on my arm. "You're getting very close to the one hour mark." He whispers, a grin clear in his voice.

"Shush." I turn to face him. "Dance with me." I place my arms over his shoulders, having to hold my wrist to keep them from falling.

The world seems to stop spinning the second I lock eyes with him. Even through the shirt of his I'm wearing, his hands loosely settling around my waist send sparks across my skin. I bend my arms, pulling him closer to me. I feel like I've lost all control. Drinking whatever Tommy gave me was a horrible idea. His lips are so close to mine. It wouldn't take much to just shuffle that little bit closer and press them into mine.

Suddenly crashing back into reality, I jolt away from him, afraid of what I'll do if I stay close. 

"You okay?" The worry in his voice crashes into me. "Court-."

"Can we just go?" I feel horrible. "Please?"

He doesn't say anything for what feels like hours. "Yeah, okay."

xv.