dream catcher : afi

2.0

Me and Ashton hung out for a while at the park, talking. Something about Ashton was slightly different, he seemed...shy. But like, he was a happy shy...if that makes sense. More like bashful. So, my first thought was that he met someone and it made him happy, yet at the thought, my heart sunk a little. I'm not sure why it did, but I didn't love the idea of him with someone...else.

But I don't like him, so why should I care? I just think he's nice and cool. Yeah, nice and cool.

Anyways, if he did, I'd be happy and proud of him. He told me once that he wasn't sure he'd ever move on from Estelle. He felt too scared and guilty. He was sure he was in love with Estelle, and he won't move on.

"Why are you so bubbly?" I ask.

"Bubbly?" He chuckled. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"You're acting all bashful and shy like a teenage girl when she falls in love." I laughed.

"Yeah, well, I'm not in love." He chuckled.

"With someone?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Nope." He shook his head. "Single since last summer."

"Oh." I mumbled.

"Mm." He nodded his head slightly.

"How many times have you been in love?" I accidently blurt out while we were walking back to our homes.

"Once." He answered automatically. "Once and probably never again."

"Why?" I asked quietly.

"Well, I believe that, once you find true love it lives on." He mumbled. "Sometimes my dreams are so lively, and she...she's there. And she just keeps telling me that everything is fine, but somehow, I wish I was dead and by her side. I love and hate when those dreams come. Even when she's not here, I won't move on. There...There's no exact remedy for memories. Her face is like a melody, it won't leave my head. And I feel like her soul hasn't either."

I could only nod, not knowing exactly what to say.

"Almost like, she haunts you?" I ask.

"My dreams." He shrugs. "But...I don't get them much anymore."

"Do you know why?" I asked.

"I didn't, but I do now." He nodded.

"And...?" I trailed off.

"You." He said simply. "I hate you, but I don't. I think about you a lot, about what you've been through and how...unharmed you are about it all. I mean, I know you're harmed but you're strong headed and brave about it all. So, I think about you a lot and the reason I hate you is because it isn't Estelle on my mind. You remind me of her a lot too, you're both confident, weird in a good way, giggly, smiley and...happy. Ever since the accident, I've carried a heavy burden on my shoulders and never ending guilt, but when I'm with you, it all fades and I enjoy stuff. Why, Skyla? Why?"

"I don't know why, Ash." I mumbled. "But, if she keeps telling you it's fine...then maybe you should move on. I'm not saying you should forget her, because I know you won't. And I'm not telling you to stop loving her, I know you won't. But you still deserve to be happy, it was tragic, but you should find someone to make you smile and laugh all the time and keep that weight off your shoulders."

He sighed. "I dunno, Sky. I'm just so scared of fucking it up again."

"It was an accident." I reminded him.

"I was drunk, it was my own fault...we...we were fighting." He. sighed. I just looked at him waiting for him to continue. "And, she said something because the was angry, and I just faced here because I was too drunk to realize that my eyes should be on the road. And...and I didn't notice I ran a red light...and the car just...I didn't see it coming...and we hit eachother...E-Estelle...s-she didn't m-make it...I-I can still s-see her bloody, lifeless body layed across m-my l-lap..."