a million times over again

ch.11 (tw sh)

I wake with my arm hanging off the edge of my bed. The first thing I see when I wake up is a bloody, dirty gauze wrap covering wounds that shouldn't even be there.

Not how I wanted to wake up.

Make more

No, shut up, why is my brain like this. I feel tired like I haven't slept in days.

I pull my arm back upset my blanket and try to gather my strength to get out of bed. I roll over and sit up before swinging my legs over the side and trying to stand up.

I almost immediately get light-headed and lose my balance, falling back into my bed. I try again and this time I'm able to stay up.

I replace my 3XL t-shirt with a sweater that has a band title on the front. It was barely readable when I bought it but not that I've had it for a few years and some of the design has chipped off you can't tell what it's supposed to be.

I shuffle out of my room, leaning against the wall because I'm still dizzy from standing up successfully. I can probably pass it off as tired.

I make my way to the kitchen and see Natasha trying to help Mr.stark make eggs while Loki looks like he's trying not to fall asleep. I sit down at the breakfast bar next to Loki.

"good morning peter" he yawns. "morning," I say, yawning back. "oh, morning kiddo!" Mr.stark says cheerily. He goes right back to arguing with nat about his cooking skills.

I still feel dizzy. I feel sick like I'd been spun around about a million times and pushed to the floor. The part of my brain I hate the most speaks up.

You feel good, right? No, I don't. You feel light, don't you? Like you're floating? I mean, kinda yeah.

"peter? Are you feeling alright? You look pale." Loki asks. "yeah, I'm okay, just tired." I say, plastering on a smile. my eyes are spinning, I feel weak like I'm about to pass out. I lay my head down on the counter just in case. a few seconds later I open my eyes to Loki shaking me awake. 

"peter? hey, peter" he keeps shaking my shoulder until I lift my head and see Mr.stark staring at me with furrowed brows and a worried look on his face. "I'm up, I'm up." I say, rubbing my eyes. "kid are you okay? you were out pretty hard." Mr.stark says. "I'm okay, like I said, really tired," I respond. 

"here, this should help wake you up a little." natasha say, putting  a cup of coffee in front of me. "thank you" i say, smiling at her. "do you have a preference on what kind of sweetner you use?" she asks, turning around and opening a cabinet full of diffrent kinds of sweetner. "oh, the way it is is good, unless you have zero cal sweetner." i say. 

"sweet n' low, got it. how much?" she asks. "idk, like 7 or 8? i like to carry some around with me too incase places don't have any." i say. she gives me a handful of sweetner and i dump about 4 packets into my coffee and taste it. i add one more before i keep drinking it. 

"no cream? just black coffee with sweetner?" natasha asks jokingly. "i'll say it, he takes after me." Mr. stark jokes. i try not to laugh before saying "like father like son." we all laugh and i start feeling less dizzy after the coffee. 

it takes me a second to realise i basically called Mr.stark my dad. i mean, he has treated me like family since i met him. after uncle ben died he took up the role of father figure pretty quickly, he had only known me for a few months but he was always there if i needed him. i guess thats why he got defacto custody of me when may died. 

"I'm going to go back to my room and work on an essay due on Monday." i say, grabbing the sweetner packets and standing up. I'm not dizzy this time, thats good. "weekend homework? good luck parker." loki says. "ill need it" i say before heading back to my room.

i don't actually have an essay, i don't know why i said that, i think i just wanted to be alone. 

i sit down in my bed and open my phone. maybe i should text ned and MJ. i open insta to message them and see that MJ posted on her story, she never does that. her story is a picture of her and ned holding hands at the mall with the words "first date :)" at the top. i won't bother them.

i close the app and decide to just put my headphones in instead. i end up with good riddence by greenday. of course with a song like that it's hard not to cry. despite my best efforts i cry anyway. atfirst I'm not sure why, maybe some kind of sad nostalgia?

eventually though my brain creates a reason for me to cry. what if i never actually get clean. Mr.stark will find out eventually and he wouldn't want to deal with that, i mean who would? 

fuck. 

it's been in the back of my mind this whole time, especially because i woke up this morning to the sight of bloody, dirty, damp bandages. i should change those, shouldn't i? at least put a clean bandage over it if they haven't scabbed over.

i gently roll up my sleeve and pull back the medical tape and unwrap the gauze. as i get to the last few layers i clench my jaw as i feel the scabs sticking to the gauze and ripping off. one of the old cuts starts to bleed again. it's not much but it's enough to push me over the edge. 

 do it, bleed, it'll make you feel better, it always does. 

no it won't, it doesn't. 

you handle physical pain better than emotional pain don't you? 

yes but that's not --

and you want to do it, don't you? you have the urge, why not give in? why not just do it already since you clearly want to.

fine. I wipe off the blood with my hand and dig through my things to find my blade. i look at my arm, then at the blade. i gently press the blade against my skin.

they don't care about you.

i slide the blade across lightly. it' a shallow cut. 

they'd all be better off without you.

i push down harder, the cut it deeper this time. the blood comes in streaks instead of beads.

you're so selfish for making them take care of you. what's wrong with you? why are you so self centered?

i cut even deeper. this time i go over it again and again. i must have cut in the same place about 10 times. i can see the layers of my skin separate for just a moment before it fills with blood. fuck.

i pick up the roll of gauze i had gotten for after care and try to wipe up as much blood as i can. i end up using the entire roll to clean myself up instead of bandaging my wounds. they've stopped bleeding for the most part so i just get dressed and try to ignore it. 

i throw on jeans and a plain white XXL sweater. most of the sweaters i own are a few sizes too big for me, i've always preferred it that way. i hear a knock at the door and open it to see loki standing there. "hey." i say, plastering on a smile.

"hi" loki smiles at me. "may i come in?" he asks. "sure! just give me a second to pick up a little." i say. i close the door and start to pick up. i hide the blade and gauze, push all of my dirty clothes into a neat pile in the corner, and rush to make my bed. it takes all of 30 seconds. 

i open my door again and invite loki in. "so whats up?" i ask. "just wanted to hang out, check in on you. i have a feeling your particularly good at hiding your emotions so I'm coming to ask how you're feeling." he says. the thought alone almost makes me cry. "I'm doing as good as i can." i respond.

"what happened to your arm?" he asks.