Cancer//adopted by my chemical romance

Chapter 39:

I don't count how long I stay cuddled up to Mikey for, but it's long enough that the warmth of his body fluctuates over to mine.

I don't really listen to my thoughts in my head, instead enjoying the buzz of the tv that Frank had flicked over to a random channel, as well as the noise of everyone else in the room just chatting away.

I'm happy with how easy it is, that it's not awkward for any of them to be around me.

I'm happy that their able to exist and talk about their own lives and music stuff while I'm there. Other people may feel ignored, or left out, but I enjoy it. It proves me in my mind that I'm allowed to exist and take up room, and that my existence doesn't put anyone off.

It's not an ignored state either, I know the second I would speak and join in I would be listened to, but I'm not feeling up to it, I'm happy to just sink into the rooms atmosphere.

Frank and Ray are having an intense conversation about guitar parts, while Mikey and Gerard are chatting passionately about a comic series I've never heard of. From where I'm relaxed into his chest I feel it reverberate with every word, the hum of it being strangely comforting.

Every now and then I feel Mikeys eyes shift down to look at me, checking down to look at me, making sure I'm still here.

-

Eventually the conversation get turned to me, and I had a feeling it would be soon, as I could pick up the way brothers subtle looks towards each other; I'm getting better at reading both of them by the day.

"Raven" Gerard starts, looking over to me. I can see by the way he's looking over to me that he's searching my eyes, looking for panic or terror; he's becoming exceptionally good at reading me.

I feel a lump on my throat build and I feel my anxiety rising, but force myself to remain, to sit with the feeling, maybe it won't be bad, if it was bad surely it would have been brought up earlier.

If it was bad and they didn't want to be around me Mikey wouldn't still be sat with my body curled into his chest. He wouldn't be absentmindedly running his fingers along my arm in a calming way.

And yet I still worry, because I'm so used to being unwanted, and used. I force myself to make eye contact with Gerard; fighting my mind.

Maybe it's because Mikeys my comfort blanket, and he's come back into my life.

Well, he never really left; I pushed him away.

Or maybe I've had a mental switch; maybe I can get better.

But I nod at Gerard, acknowledging him.

"Since your mother's passing" he says, pausing slightly to read me, watching me. I don't react, I know he's trying to be as considerate as he can in mentioning it.

"You didn't have a legal guardian, so we sorted it out and got the paperwork filled out" he says, and I feel a small smile threatening to pull at my lips.

I knew I had nothing to worry about, their safe, they love you, they aren't going to hurt you.

I nod.

"I'm guessing it's you?" I question, but he shakes his head.

I feel Mikey tense up beside me, and I feel a bigger smile break out onto my lips.