The Coldest Summer

A Melancholy Morning

The sun shone through the thin curtains of the bedroom we share. You swore to change them every day because you want to spend long mornings together. You missed reaching in front of you and feeling me there, pulling me close to drag out our time in bed. You always slung your leg around both of mine and wrapped your big, strong arms around me. You're the only man I like to restrict me like that, nuzzling my neck and planting soft kisses on the hickies you placed the night before.

Mmmm...

Now it is I who reaches and complains of not feeling your warm presence spooning me this sunrise. I must have finally dozed to sleep while the moon was still watching the sky. I don't sleep much these days. The sheets are stone cold when I reach over, it's awful. The smile I thought would dare grace my lips and transfer to yours flees far away from me for the thousandth time.

I wish you would've bought those darn curtains Zeph. You knew my body. You knew that as soon as I felt the sun's rays against my skin and the light hit my eyelids, you knew I had to get out of bed.

Why didn't you buy those darn curtains baby?

Last night completed my third bad one after weeks of being okay. Mom and Dalyn spent the past 3 months babysitting me but I sent them home last week. I needed them to go but I needed them to stay also. They would lay with me until I closed my eyes every night, stroking my hair as you did. You'd stroke my hair as you read to me after I'd had a rough day or when I wasn't feeling 100%.

I reach my weak hand up and try to stroke my own hair, but to no avail. The motions are uneven and uncomfortable. In despair, my hand falls back to my chest where your ring rests on my chain.

Mom and Dalyn couldn't stay, they had to go back to their homes, back to their lives. But they each said they'd be back on the weekend. What's wrong is you can't come home to me and the life we were building. I curl myself into a tighter ball.

I miss you Zephyr.

After three and a half months, I understand this isn't some big practical joke. You love me too much to be this cruel on purpose. But I love you too much to keep that as a permanent thought. I love you too much to move out of this bed where our bodies should be stuck together with morning perspiration.

I wish our love were strong enough. I wish it were strong enough to resurrect you. I wish it were strong enough to travel through time. I wish that our love was so strong, it would've provided a forcefield around you so that not a thing could cause you any physical or emotional harm.

But our love is only strong enough to paralyze me in this cold bed. Suffocating this bear. Sobbing. Again.

My love, I cannot find the strength today.