Ace of Clubs

For You, I Would (Epilogue)

2018

Eventually, it gets tiring to play the waiting game. Whether or not times would change, maybe circumstances would be different, maybe things would be better. It gets tiring to ask the maybe's and live a life just waiting for things to happen.

Risa was tired of it.

The two women found themselves asking the universe for another one of those nights. Sure, Risa visited Leni in her office often, and they'd have closed-door meetings. But nothing ever really happened. They tried their best not to let things happen.

When one would lean a little too close, the other would pull away. They refused to talk about their feelings because there was no use in doing so when they couldn't act on them. When the conversation topic got too heavy, they would change it because they opted not to dwell on things they've already decided to put behind.

Those visits, however often they may be, were never enough because all they truly wanted was to be with each other, to touch, to hug, and to feel alive the same way that they did before.

That chance never came.

It's been almost 2 years and Risa's tired of asking the universe, which in her words are still 'fucked up', for another chance to see Leni in her purest form. To laugh with her, talk with her, be herself around her, uncaring of the consequences of tomorrow.

Like the night they signed the divorce papers, Risa still wanted to scream at the world because who were they kidding? They could never be friends after what happened. She could see her all the time but it was torture.

It was cruel to see Leni — her Leni —- and not be able to hug or kiss her, or to freely express her love for her.

It was cruel for Leni to see her — her Risa — and not be able to hug or kiss her, or to love her without fear or hesitation.

It was absolute torment to love and not choose that love because it will cost them their lives. To be restrained from expressing that love, chained and shackled by society and by the circumstances by which they live. To be loved and have no assurance that that love is still there.

They agreed to not tell each other I love you's since work started to get a little too hard because in Risa's words, "mas lalo lang nating sinasaktan 'yung mga sarili natin. Alam natin parehas na hindi sapat 'yung marinig lang. It hurts to tell you that I love you and know that I can't do anything about it."

One night, Risa laid in bed after bawling her eyes out because she missed Leni badly. Things have gotten worse in terms of work and it was taking a toll on her. That said, she knew it was also hard for the other woman.

That was the part that hurt the most. Knowing that Leni needed her and she couldn't be there for her because they couldn't be together, and knowing that she needed Leni and she wanted her to be there but she couldn't because they chose their lives above their love.

If the chance to be with Leni again comes, I'll accept it without hesitation, she thought. But I'm tired of chasing a love that can't be. I have exhausted myself trying to make things work under circumstances that don't allow it to work in the first place. Pagod na akong habulin ang pagmamahal na sa una pa lang hindi na talaga pwede.

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Anything for you, Leni would always say to Risa. She said it when she lent her jacket to her on the way to Dinagat, when her friends had invited Risa to join them for dinner when they were in Naga, and many other times throughout the course of their "relationship".

She would do anything for Risa, but not that which would truly make her happy.

In this life and in this world, there was nothing they could do to get what they truly wanted — to be together. There was nothing Leni could do to make things work and she knew that. This was absolutely, irreversibly, and heartbreakingly out of her reach.